Thoughts on Christmas from a Former Scrooge

I went into this semester thinking I could conquer the world. Now, some mornings, it's a fight to make myself get out of bed and into the classroom. In all honesty, there are times when I relentlessly question myself, "What am I doing here? Why? I am not doing a bit of good here..." And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

Every time someone asks me how my first-year teaching experience is going, I feel awful. I feel like I am going to burst into tears right there in front of them. And I try to explain how I feel, but I look into their eyes and realize that many of them don't want a real answer; they just want to ask me the "right catch-up questions" and get the "I'm fine" response that so often follows. But what about what's really in my heart? Am I just a scaredy cat? And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

Today is Christmas day, when I celebrate the birth of Jesus, who came to earth because I was helpless and worthless. And now, I have a hope that endures all. However, I spent most of the day thinking in my mind, "No! It's already Christmas day! This break is going by way too quickly, and soon I'll have to go back and face my classroom and feel SO helpless and worthless again and again."

And this brings me to think about individuals. There are real people who walk into my classroom every day just begging for attention. I want so badly to shower each one of them with all the love that is necessary, and I hate that there is only one of me to be able to do that, and unfortunately, that "love" has to come out in discipline. I want to teach them. But I don't know how to teach when I can barely get through a lesson without someone exploding. I see and hear of all of these amazing stories of teachers who changed the world of their students, but then I look at myself and see no fruit at all. Is that just completely selfish? I don't want to see the fruit in me; I want to see them changing and learning. I want them to see my love for them...but how is that translating? And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

So now I sit pondering. My family went and saw the movie Blindside this evening. I kinda thought it would just be another football movie, but I actually loved it. It made me think about my students ten times over; they have stories that would tear your heart apart, but I don't know how to make those things better for them. I don't want them to come to school hungry and then take out their hunger pains in anger toward me because I'm making them read. I don't want them to wonder why I tell them to do things for "their good" when they've never been able to trust adults before. I don't want them to have to choose to follow a cycle of wrong choices just because that is what has always been laid out for them from the start. How can we break free from the cycle of this chain that absolutely breaks my heart? How can I do anything more? I think about them all the time, and I don't want this to come out as bitterness anymore. They are not my enemies. But I have to help them learn that they must break free. They must know that they have to make their own choices; I can't do it for them. But I try this every day and it seems that nothing changes. Even when I just feel so helpless and worthless, all I can do is stay the course.

Love conquers all, and that is all I can leave with you.