A Rediscovery

So, I found this post from last year, and I wanted to post it again because I've realized that sometimes I learn things, and then I seem to forget them so easily. So my own previous thoughts can once again inspire change in how I see the world as a believer...

"I must be a light there..."

If only a glimmer;
A slight sparkle to separate from the mass of harsh, black night.
Who am I to attempt to break the boundaries of cultural revolution?
(Those "boundaries" cover the hostile seclusion of individual needs.)

Indeed, a revolutionary -- I must be.
Love is the fruition; Light is the hope of the finality.
Each tiny flame gathers to the center
And creates enough light for a few others to catch a spark --
Then, they join the force.

How will they know if they are not told (or shown)?
How will you love if you have no hope in Light?
They say, "We must shine." I say, "If I do not, I am overcome by the darkness."

This little light will shine; even --
If only a glimmer.

AGL

(I will start a revolution of light -- loving one student at a time.
I am a teacher. I am a believer.)

On Writing (or forcing myself to do so)

I feel I have the imagination of a butterfly: so many colors surround me that could act as springboards for stories, yet my heart and mind flutter from one flower to another without stopping long enough to truly take in the matter at hand.

I want to write.

I so often have ideas for so many different things to write about, and then I let myself down and never follow through. What a better time in my life than this? I am a young teacher with free summers and nothing to tie me down: I'm not going back for my master's yet, I'm not dating anyone, and I'm free, free, free! Yet, I feel that when I try to make myself sit down, my mind clouds with things I think I should be filling my time with, and then I just end up wasting more time thinking about ridiculous things than ever truly going for it.

Fear. Perhaps fear is holding me back; but isn't that the excuse of anyone who desires to do anything? I've been absorbed in a book called The Faith of a Writer by Joyce Carol Oates. It's been a good book for me, because it's more of a semi-academic read, which is a refreshment from the books that I teach throughout the school year (which are great, but often overdone when I have to teach them 3+ times a day). I have also heard of a book called The Writing Life by Annie Dillard that I want to pick up soon. I am trying to drill some inspiration into my brain...and now I feel that the summer is too quickly passing!

Hopefully I will have some time to sit and let the river of words flow soon.

So, if anyone has any encouragement for me, please give it! I beg of you. Love!

Frivolity and Unrequited Love

It's late, and I should be sleeping, but it's summertime and I'm allowing myself a few nights of frivolity where I stay up late and write my little heart out. I found this quote today, which really reminds me of ... well ... me.

"People keep telling me that I fall in love too easily - that I should protect my heart, that I shouldn’t wear my heart on my sleeve… I fall in love at least 20 times a day. I fall in love with the sky and the sun and the flowers and my children. I fall in love with smiles, with music on the radio and with french fries and Dr. Pepper. I fall in love with the sound of laughter, blue jeans, accents… Sometimes I fall in love with complete strangers, especially the ones holding hands and kissing in public. The ones who aren’t afraid to be in love with the idea of being in love either. I don’t mind the pain of unrequited love so much, because I think they’re wrong. Love looks good on me."

-Natalie Anne Erlanson

See, what I've learned about myself is that I am quick to trust and love other people. I put so much into the relationships that I have because I value people so much, but I often feel that I put a lot into something and then never see any return there, and I know that many people experience this.

However, J.M. Barrie said it much better than I can:
Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.

I often feel very insufficient; I can never be "good enough" for some people. I know this is a lie, but I feel as though there's some kind of wall that I hit and there's just nothing that can break it down. I just have a hard time with surface-level friendships that will never go anywhere.

It's okay if I don't make any sense at 2:37 am. Good night!

My Heart's Wanderings

Recently, I have had to pray for my soul to be still. I have seen so much brokenness and sorrow this year. I simply can't explain how much I have learned through the stories of my students and through the experiences I've had lately.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Ji-Hwan (John) Kim: 1987-2010

John was a very dear friend my first two years at Campbell. He was in the cast of the two musicals (Seussical and The Boyfriend) and the play (The Increased Difficulty of Concentration) that I performed in at CU. We went to Spring Formal together as well.

He was such an encouragement. He is one of those people who could just be friends with anyone, and I had the privilege of calling him "friend."

We always had a joke that we took too many pictures together, but now I cherish these memories. We were just buddies, and were together all the time; he was my brother. Our personalities just clicked so well, and we had so much fun together!

After he transferred to a different college in Maryland, we did not keep in touch as much as I wish we could have, but the Lord brings different people into your life perhaps at the time when you really need them. I am thankful for the memories that I have to think fondly on him, and the joy that he brought to my life.

I truly wish I could have been able to say goodbye, but I know that John was a believer and is with the Lord. So, here is my farewell to him.

I have learned a lot through finding out that John passed away of a heart attack recently. My heart couldn't believe it at first, but it has slowly hit me, and I have since released a lot of emotion about the whole situation. I have realized that I am such an externally emotive person; I cannot deal with things in my own mind until I let them out aloud. I was literally making myself sick a few days after I found out because I had not really talked to anyone about how I felt. I couldn't figure out why I felt light-headed and was just hurting inside until I talked about it to a few close friends. Yes, I miss him, and I just can't understand how it all happened, and I don't know how to gain an understanding of the situation, but I know that my hope is in the Lord and he is sovereign. The despair is covered by the grace of the Lord, who understands my sorrow and heals my tear-stained cheeks.

I wrote these the day after I found out about his death:

#1
A broken World;
A fleeting life.
He marks the steps of men
Whether they be long,
Or short.
All we know and have is substance --
If we cannot
Touch
Taste
Smell
Hear
See --
It is not in Existence.
Sovereignty reaches beyond
The grasp of man.

#2
They said these times of turmoil
Soon would pass along;
They said my tears would
Die away;
They said, "I hurt for you."
I do no know my heart right now;
Its clouding covers clarity.
These memories of you --
So clear, so calm, yet far --
The times
We laughed,
We danced,
We smiled,
Yet -- the question stands:
"Where are you?"
(I must say farewell, and hope.)

It seems there are many other things looming in my mind as well, but I really wanted to release all of this so that my heart could see it and accept it. This summer is already flying by, and I am going to be 23 in a little over a week. Growing up is such a crazy thing, I've come to find. I feel like I still face the same things that I did 10 years ago, but hopefully I have a new approach. This is life.

And so, my soul, be still.