I went into this semester thinking I could conquer the world. Now, some mornings, it's a fight to make myself get out of bed and into the classroom. In all honesty, there are times when I relentlessly question myself, "What am I doing here? Why? I am not doing a bit of good here..." And I just feel so helpless and worthless.
Every time someone asks me how my first-year teaching experience is going, I feel awful. I feel like I am going to burst into tears right there in front of them. And I try to explain how I feel, but I look into their eyes and realize that many of them don't want a real answer; they just want to ask me the "right catch-up questions" and get the "I'm fine" response that so often follows. But what about what's really in my heart? Am I just a scaredy cat? And I just feel so helpless and worthless.
Today is Christmas day, when I celebrate the birth of Jesus, who came to earth because I was helpless and worthless. And now, I have a hope that endures all. However, I spent most of the day thinking in my mind, "No! It's already Christmas day! This break is going by way too quickly, and soon I'll have to go back and face my classroom and feel SO helpless and worthless again and again."
And this brings me to think about individuals. There are real people who walk into my classroom every day just begging for attention. I want so badly to shower each one of them with all the love that is necessary, and I hate that there is only one of me to be able to do that, and unfortunately, that "love" has to come out in discipline. I want to teach them. But I don't know how to teach when I can barely get through a lesson without someone exploding. I see and hear of all of these amazing stories of teachers who changed the world of their students, but then I look at myself and see no fruit at all. Is that just completely selfish? I don't want to see the fruit in me; I want to see them changing and learning. I want them to see my love for them...but how is that translating? And I just feel so helpless and worthless.
So now I sit pondering. My family went and saw the movie Blindside this evening. I kinda thought it would just be another football movie, but I actually loved it. It made me think about my students ten times over; they have stories that would tear your heart apart, but I don't know how to make those things better for them. I don't want them to come to school hungry and then take out their hunger pains in anger toward me because I'm making them read. I don't want them to wonder why I tell them to do things for "their good" when they've never been able to trust adults before. I don't want them to have to choose to follow a cycle of wrong choices just because that is what has always been laid out for them from the start. How can we break free from the cycle of this chain that absolutely breaks my heart? How can I do anything more? I think about them all the time, and I don't want this to come out as bitterness anymore. They are not my enemies. But I have to help them learn that they must break free. They must know that they have to make their own choices; I can't do it for them. But I try this every day and it seems that nothing changes. Even when I just feel so helpless and worthless, all I can do is stay the course.
Love conquers all, and that is all I can leave with you.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Teaching Stories, part I
So I realize that I have not yet given any interesting stories from my first-year teaching experience, and if I do not release them, I will not remember them all! Some, I admit, are too personal for blog-world, but, my dears, I will reveal a few.
The first few weeks of school, I cried every other day or so, thinking I was a terrible teacher and I would never "reach" them and they would hate me forever. Yet slowly, I am seeing that my toughness on them has developed a little fruit.
For instance, I had a few students in particular who used to talk back/yell at/roll eyes/scream/(the list goes on), etc. at me every single day to exhaustion. Recently, those same students have been the ones who tell the rest of the class to "quiet down and listen to Ms. Lind she's trying to teach you something!" ...My eyes water and my jaw still drops every time.
One afternoon I asked my class to write a journal entry about someone who has influenced them, and one student wrote about her "dear Ms. Lind," who she thought might hate her because she does not speak English well, but the one she loves because the teacher always cares and helps her no matter what. Then there was the girl who almost broke my arm today because she wanted to run out of my classroom into the hall and attack the girl who was walking with her man. I slammed the door and told her to breathe, and she actually listened. There was not fight. If that had happened a week and a half ago, forget it.
OF course, I have had my awful days. The days when I burst into tears after the last backback has disappeared, and I force myself out of bed the next morning, promising myself it will get better.
But I have also had some great ones. The days I watch my strategic reading students REALLY working hard to get their questions answered so that they will get a purple smiley drawn on their paper instead of a frowny face that I draw when they do not complete their work, and the times when I see them truly looking at me in a way that I know means they understand and perhaps even enjoy the schoolwork. Even little things show me that they trust me--I mean, which teacher did you ask if you could leave your extra pair of shoes in the back of the room, the one you didn't want to see again at the end of the day? (I don't think so)
And so, right now, things are going pretty well. I am tired, but I am getting used to the way things roll. Sometimes I am still lonely, but I know it's okay.
Thus, I bid you goodnight.
The first few weeks of school, I cried every other day or so, thinking I was a terrible teacher and I would never "reach" them and they would hate me forever. Yet slowly, I am seeing that my toughness on them has developed a little fruit.
For instance, I had a few students in particular who used to talk back/yell at/roll eyes/scream/(the list goes on), etc. at me every single day to exhaustion. Recently, those same students have been the ones who tell the rest of the class to "quiet down and listen to Ms. Lind she's trying to teach you something!" ...My eyes water and my jaw still drops every time.
One afternoon I asked my class to write a journal entry about someone who has influenced them, and one student wrote about her "dear Ms. Lind," who she thought might hate her because she does not speak English well, but the one she loves because the teacher always cares and helps her no matter what. Then there was the girl who almost broke my arm today because she wanted to run out of my classroom into the hall and attack the girl who was walking with her man. I slammed the door and told her to breathe, and she actually listened. There was not fight. If that had happened a week and a half ago, forget it.
OF course, I have had my awful days. The days when I burst into tears after the last backback has disappeared, and I force myself out of bed the next morning, promising myself it will get better.
But I have also had some great ones. The days I watch my strategic reading students REALLY working hard to get their questions answered so that they will get a purple smiley drawn on their paper instead of a frowny face that I draw when they do not complete their work, and the times when I see them truly looking at me in a way that I know means they understand and perhaps even enjoy the schoolwork. Even little things show me that they trust me--I mean, which teacher did you ask if you could leave your extra pair of shoes in the back of the room, the one you didn't want to see again at the end of the day? (I don't think so)
And so, right now, things are going pretty well. I am tired, but I am getting used to the way things roll. Sometimes I am still lonely, but I know it's okay.
Thus, I bid you goodnight.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I finished six weeks as a fo' sho' teacher!
I know, I haven't written in oodles of time, but seriously, this job is so much more than you could ever imagine until you're IN it...I feel like it's a 24/7 shift...I can't even sleep without dreaming about being in the classroom!
I have indeed survived the first six weeks of school in my own classroom--and what a roller coaster it has been! I don't even know how to describe the emotions I've experienced thus far in the semester.
I am in love with what I'm doing. I have to be; if I were not, I would have called it quit a month ago. Because it's hard, hard, hard. But I go in everyday, and I say, "Love them." I have that phrase written on a sticky note below my podium. Some days, a verse from my mini New Testament in my desk or a familiar hymn are the only things that get me through half the day when I just don't know if I'll be able to handle it all.
Some days, I have shed tears during my planning block or after school; others, I am skipping and doing cartwheels in the halls when the day is done. I take every day as it comes, because that is what I must do. I have students who I think may take me over the edge, but somehow, I find ways to speak to them, and it's a constant battle--but I am willing to fight for them--because I do love them (not fight with them, mind you, but for them).
I don't ever want to hear anyone say that teachers have it "easy" because they only work till 3 and get summers off. LIES! I have worked 12 hour days AT school, only to go home and still have some grading or planning to do. I know I am a perfectionist, and that is something I am trying to work on in dividing my time, but this job is craziness! I get up around 5:45, get to work an hour early, and then stay later than most in the parking lot until I give up and pack my work to finish at home after 4 or so.
Maybe the reason I do this at times is because I know I get lonely here. I am in a place where--well, there's not much, really. I don't really have a community here right now that is building me up in the Lord on a personal and daily level; I am on my own and figuring out what it is to "be a grownup" and WOAH it's just hard some days. I am blessed to have a job, and I enjoy the people there, but I also know that I'm always wanting something else. In time. I will wait upon the Lord, oh my soul.
I've been reading through Romans, and it seems like everyday I see exactly what I need in those verses. Paul's right on target with my wandering heart. I pray I will run with endurance the race that is marked for me and see my future HOPE instead of focusing on my daily "getting to tomorrow." I know that Christ is my all; I must live that.
I am going home to visit my family this Friday, which I am excited about. I am ready to gain comfort and encouragement there.
Mostly, I still can't believe that I'm actually doing this. Everyday. I am seriously in charge of 50 teenagers and their ever-molding minds! Why am I there? Because I do love them. Sometimes, that's easy to forget. But I have a savior who loves me no matter what, and that is my ever-true-and-never-failing hope.
I have indeed survived the first six weeks of school in my own classroom--and what a roller coaster it has been! I don't even know how to describe the emotions I've experienced thus far in the semester.
I am in love with what I'm doing. I have to be; if I were not, I would have called it quit a month ago. Because it's hard, hard, hard. But I go in everyday, and I say, "Love them." I have that phrase written on a sticky note below my podium. Some days, a verse from my mini New Testament in my desk or a familiar hymn are the only things that get me through half the day when I just don't know if I'll be able to handle it all.
Some days, I have shed tears during my planning block or after school; others, I am skipping and doing cartwheels in the halls when the day is done. I take every day as it comes, because that is what I must do. I have students who I think may take me over the edge, but somehow, I find ways to speak to them, and it's a constant battle--but I am willing to fight for them--because I do love them (not fight with them, mind you, but for them).
I don't ever want to hear anyone say that teachers have it "easy" because they only work till 3 and get summers off. LIES! I have worked 12 hour days AT school, only to go home and still have some grading or planning to do. I know I am a perfectionist, and that is something I am trying to work on in dividing my time, but this job is craziness! I get up around 5:45, get to work an hour early, and then stay later than most in the parking lot until I give up and pack my work to finish at home after 4 or so.
Maybe the reason I do this at times is because I know I get lonely here. I am in a place where--well, there's not much, really. I don't really have a community here right now that is building me up in the Lord on a personal and daily level; I am on my own and figuring out what it is to "be a grownup" and WOAH it's just hard some days. I am blessed to have a job, and I enjoy the people there, but I also know that I'm always wanting something else. In time. I will wait upon the Lord, oh my soul.
I've been reading through Romans, and it seems like everyday I see exactly what I need in those verses. Paul's right on target with my wandering heart. I pray I will run with endurance the race that is marked for me and see my future HOPE instead of focusing on my daily "getting to tomorrow." I know that Christ is my all; I must live that.
I am going home to visit my family this Friday, which I am excited about. I am ready to gain comfort and encouragement there.
Mostly, I still can't believe that I'm actually doing this. Everyday. I am seriously in charge of 50 teenagers and their ever-molding minds! Why am I there? Because I do love them. Sometimes, that's easy to forget. But I have a savior who loves me no matter what, and that is my ever-true-and-never-failing hope.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
A Teachable Moment
I am going to post a great big fat "My first few weeks as a real teacher" entry as soon as I can, but I just have not been able to get around to that yet. Thus, I am copying an essay that I wrote for my Strategic Reading classes as an example of something they are working on for a project...they are supposed to write Compare/Contrast essays on how they see themselves v. how others see them, and I told them I would never give them an assignment that I would not be willing to do myself, and they needed some clarification. Thus, I like the way it turned out, and I will share:
A. Lind
September 9, 2009
Strategic Reading 1st/2nd Block
NCSCS Objectives: 1.01, 6.01, 6.02
Compare and Contrast Essay: “I See Inside Myself; You See My Mirror”
Ever since I was a little girl, I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted to be called; my name was always Abigail, and always will be Abigail. I do not go by Abby; that’s not my name and I will never allow anyone to pretend that it is. Abigail means “Source of Joy,” and that name means a lot to me, so I strive to live that out, but I often wonder if other people see me as I see myself.
The way that I see myself is based upon the situations that have occurred in my life thus far. I believe that I am intelligent because I always worked hard in school, and now I am a teacher. I also see myself as very outgoing because I usually make friends easily and I can entertain a crowd by telling a quick-witted story (which could also be due to my background in theater and gymnastics). Furthermore, I think that my best characteristic is my ability to laugh in any situation, and the fact that I have a very unusual laugh only adds to the joy that I hope it brings to the people around me. I was voted “most humorous” by my class when I was a senior in High School, so this ability has been revealed to me on multiple occasions. Thus, the way I see myself is sometimes the same but sometimes different from the way that others see me.
When other people look at me, they see a young woman who is small in stature but loud in voice. I think that my laugh is often the first thing that many people notice about me, so in that regard, others can see the joy that I know I have within me. However, there are many things about me that other people do not know. I often get sidetracked into believing that I am not smart enough or not good enough at certain things, which I think is something that many people struggle with but are not willing to admit. People look at me and assume things that may never be true, but how will they ever know until they truly form a relationship with me? I desire that everyone gets to know me as I attempt to know them, because relationships are difficult as people are difficult to understand. When I look in the mirror I know what’s beyond the face, but do other people have any idea? If we all make efforts to dig deeper, maybe we will all find out more about each other that we never knew existed, and that is what brings joy to my heart.
That's all for now, folks.
A. Lind
September 9, 2009
Strategic Reading 1st/2nd Block
NCSCS Objectives: 1.01, 6.01, 6.02
Compare and Contrast Essay: “I See Inside Myself; You See My Mirror”
Ever since I was a little girl, I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted to be called; my name was always Abigail, and always will be Abigail. I do not go by Abby; that’s not my name and I will never allow anyone to pretend that it is. Abigail means “Source of Joy,” and that name means a lot to me, so I strive to live that out, but I often wonder if other people see me as I see myself.
The way that I see myself is based upon the situations that have occurred in my life thus far. I believe that I am intelligent because I always worked hard in school, and now I am a teacher. I also see myself as very outgoing because I usually make friends easily and I can entertain a crowd by telling a quick-witted story (which could also be due to my background in theater and gymnastics). Furthermore, I think that my best characteristic is my ability to laugh in any situation, and the fact that I have a very unusual laugh only adds to the joy that I hope it brings to the people around me. I was voted “most humorous” by my class when I was a senior in High School, so this ability has been revealed to me on multiple occasions. Thus, the way I see myself is sometimes the same but sometimes different from the way that others see me.
When other people look at me, they see a young woman who is small in stature but loud in voice. I think that my laugh is often the first thing that many people notice about me, so in that regard, others can see the joy that I know I have within me. However, there are many things about me that other people do not know. I often get sidetracked into believing that I am not smart enough or not good enough at certain things, which I think is something that many people struggle with but are not willing to admit. People look at me and assume things that may never be true, but how will they ever know until they truly form a relationship with me? I desire that everyone gets to know me as I attempt to know them, because relationships are difficult as people are difficult to understand. When I look in the mirror I know what’s beyond the face, but do other people have any idea? If we all make efforts to dig deeper, maybe we will all find out more about each other that we never knew existed, and that is what brings joy to my heart.
That's all for now, folks.
Thursday, August 6, 2009
The Riches of Grace, in "Blessings" or Sorrow
I just consumed a bowl of raisin bran for an almost-midnight snack. Lovely!
Since it is almost midnight, it is also a perfect time for me to do some thinking and analyzing. Recently, a lot of things have changed in my life. I have started to rent my own apartment (with a great roomie of course!), bought my own furniture (for the first time in my life I'll be sleeping on a FULL bed, not just a twin!), and slowly had the realization that this is a "real" job, and this is my "new" life. I am so excited and nervous all at the same time that my emotions are in a whirlwind and I've fallen almost flat because my mind has so many intersections. What is is going to be like when I'm "on my own"? (Yes, at this point you can begin singing the beautiful song from Les Mis, I'll join right in.)
Something that has struck me as interesting in my thought process is the idea of being "blessed." I have struggled a lot with that term recently because I just don't know what people mean when they say it, to be honest. Do I even know what I mean when I'm saying it?
Some Christians who came through my line at Food Lion this summer would quickly pass a tract to me and tell me to "have a blessed day;" I've seen people cry "God bless America" loudly on the streets of NYC; and "I am blessed" is a tune that we could all get stuck in our heads...but are these terms one and the same? Do we really know what we're throwing around?
The scriptures speak often of the Lord's chosen as a "blessed people," but I don't think that means he gives them whatever they want (and when they have what they want, they call themselves "blessed" as if they did something worthy of being blessed). [If you go to studylight.org and do a search on "blessed people" or "chosen people," you're likely to come up with many verses.] Basically, we're not worthy of being blessed ever, and that's why it's called a blessing--it's a special favor or act of mercy to us--those who deserve no mercy--those who are chosen, because we could not choose right on our own. [Grace is so beautiful--how could I ever forget that His goodness really makes no sense because it is so undeserved on our part?]
What I'm saying is that we should not say we're blessed just when everything is fancy dancy. Of course I know I'm blessed to have a job and a new apartment and supportive friends and family and church, but what about the believers and people everywhere who have no job, no home, no community, no food? Are they cursed because they did something to deserve wrath for the day? I would like to say no, because the Lord's ways are so much higher than mine. And when I think about all that I have right now--this job, etc.--I realize how undeserving that I am. I am not entitled to anything that I've been given, and it doesn't make sense why I've been given these things right now; but for some reason, I have. And I will use them for His glory. My own fame is worthless in the sight of the brightness of The Light of the Son. And so, I am blessed when I am flying high or in the depths of despair. It still doesn't make perfect sense to me, but it never ceases to make me see how deep/wide/beautiful the riches of His grace are, even when we don't feel outwardly "blessed." Because the gospel is not about comfort and worldly riches. If it were, there would be no grace at all because we would have no need of it. So thanks be to God for the glory in which he shows himself through grace--whether it be in our outward blessings or the beauty of knowing that a soul is rich in Jesus. What else have we need of?
Thus, I hope to be more careful in the way that I view a blessing, because I'm blessed in beauty or ashes. Still, my soul will seek Jesus. I need nothing more.
Since it is almost midnight, it is also a perfect time for me to do some thinking and analyzing. Recently, a lot of things have changed in my life. I have started to rent my own apartment (with a great roomie of course!), bought my own furniture (for the first time in my life I'll be sleeping on a FULL bed, not just a twin!), and slowly had the realization that this is a "real" job, and this is my "new" life. I am so excited and nervous all at the same time that my emotions are in a whirlwind and I've fallen almost flat because my mind has so many intersections. What is is going to be like when I'm "on my own"? (Yes, at this point you can begin singing the beautiful song from Les Mis, I'll join right in.)
Something that has struck me as interesting in my thought process is the idea of being "blessed." I have struggled a lot with that term recently because I just don't know what people mean when they say it, to be honest. Do I even know what I mean when I'm saying it?
Some Christians who came through my line at Food Lion this summer would quickly pass a tract to me and tell me to "have a blessed day;" I've seen people cry "God bless America" loudly on the streets of NYC; and "I am blessed" is a tune that we could all get stuck in our heads...but are these terms one and the same? Do we really know what we're throwing around?
The scriptures speak often of the Lord's chosen as a "blessed people," but I don't think that means he gives them whatever they want (and when they have what they want, they call themselves "blessed" as if they did something worthy of being blessed). [If you go to studylight.org and do a search on "blessed people" or "chosen people," you're likely to come up with many verses.] Basically, we're not worthy of being blessed ever, and that's why it's called a blessing--it's a special favor or act of mercy to us--those who deserve no mercy--those who are chosen, because we could not choose right on our own. [Grace is so beautiful--how could I ever forget that His goodness really makes no sense because it is so undeserved on our part?]
What I'm saying is that we should not say we're blessed just when everything is fancy dancy. Of course I know I'm blessed to have a job and a new apartment and supportive friends and family and church, but what about the believers and people everywhere who have no job, no home, no community, no food? Are they cursed because they did something to deserve wrath for the day? I would like to say no, because the Lord's ways are so much higher than mine. And when I think about all that I have right now--this job, etc.--I realize how undeserving that I am. I am not entitled to anything that I've been given, and it doesn't make sense why I've been given these things right now; but for some reason, I have. And I will use them for His glory. My own fame is worthless in the sight of the brightness of The Light of the Son. And so, I am blessed when I am flying high or in the depths of despair. It still doesn't make perfect sense to me, but it never ceases to make me see how deep/wide/beautiful the riches of His grace are, even when we don't feel outwardly "blessed." Because the gospel is not about comfort and worldly riches. If it were, there would be no grace at all because we would have no need of it. So thanks be to God for the glory in which he shows himself through grace--whether it be in our outward blessings or the beauty of knowing that a soul is rich in Jesus. What else have we need of?
Thus, I hope to be more careful in the way that I view a blessing, because I'm blessed in beauty or ashes. Still, my soul will seek Jesus. I need nothing more.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I have a Title.
Today is a day that I will never forget! I have been waiting in anxious anticipation for it, and quite honestly just wanted to get it over with because I had no clue what would hit me in the face today!
I had what I thought would be my "final interview" at Triton this morning, so when I (A) walked in, I am greeted by the principal (P) saying, "Are you ready to get started?" Let me just give you the conversation. The stuff in parenthesis is what my brain was saying inside my head:
P: Are you ready to get started?
A:(Started? What am I supposed to begin if I have no idea what it is?) Yeah, definitely!
P: Well, do you have any questions for me right now?
A: (Questions about what? Like "do I have the job?") I think the main thing would be I would just like to know what I'll be doing next so that I can get started on planning and everything! (Double meaning: either where I'll be school-wise or where I could be within THIS school-wise)
P: Alright, well I have you down for Freshman Seminar in the Fall for 3 blocks and then 4th block planning; then in the Spring you'll have planning 1st and 2 regular and 1 Honors English I.
A: Oh, wow! That sounds great! (Do I look super surprised or is this ridiculous grin just giving away my professionalism?)
P: Wonderful. So, I will send in for your contract and we'll be on our way! New teacher orientation will begin August eleventh and last three days, then the rest of the teachers come back the 17th. School starts the next week. Any other questions?
A: Do you have the curriculum for me to look over before the school year starts? (Wait, he didn't say "You're hired," but I'm pretty sure he just hired me. My name is on all of his charts. I'm an English teacher--it's official!!!)
P: Yes, I will walk you over to the lady who has those and she can make you some copies. Great to see you again!
And that was it. I had my job in my pocket (the whole time, it seems, doesn't it?). The crazy thing is, my summer was so forlorn at times and I felt as though nothing was going to come together for me at all. I had finally come to the point where I realized that if I didn't get a teaching position, I would have to be okay doing something else for a while, and things would work out in time. Many of my friends still do not have jobs, and I feel very honored to have this opportunity. It's all so surreal! I can't believe it happened in one day!
So here's what I think about this whole situation: if it were an easy summer and I had known the whole time that I had it in the bag and I didn't have to strive for my goal and search everywhere that I could for a position and be rejected a few times (all the while working at Food Lion which is just indescribable how much it makes me yearn to feel purpose in my work), I would not have appreciated this as much as I truly do right now. This job is a gift. My "birthday wish" ten days ago was to get a job. But on top of that silliness, I cried and prayed many a day and night this summer in expectation of what would occur in the end. I wanted to bring glory to the Lord in whatever work I ended up doing, and I didn't want to give up on what I thought he had gifted me in doing. So I pressed on.
This morning before my interview, I read a little in Isaiah when he says, "Here am I! send me" (6:8), and then I happened across 1 Corinthians 15:58, "Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." These verses were a perfect reminder of His grace in my life. I started my day saying "Lord, I'm yours. I do not know what's coming, but send me to do what you will have for me. My work thus far has been hard hard hard, but I will work for you. If it be teaching or something else, put me where you will." I'm not saying that the Lord will give you whatever you want on a given day, but if we realize that His grace is sufficient for each day, we also know that "sufficient for the day is its own trouble," (Mt. 6:34)and the Lord cares for His beloved. Not that I am in any way deserving of that, but because He is love, he loves me. I do not love, or serve, or teach, or do [anything] without Him. [Yes, I am screaming and singing halleloo, and you can too!]
So, I acquired my job and set off for home. I drove all the way down 421 to the exit to 40/85 and heard this strange noise. A car pulled up beside me and the driver started motioning to my back tire and mouthing, "IT's FLAT! YOUR TIRE!" So I pulled over. The car stopped a bit in front of me and a guy walked up with a bottle of air in a can or something crazy and pumped it up for me. He said the tire looked fine, I just needed to get the valve fixed. Wheew! I just had a flat not too long ago at the end of last semester, and now here's another! Well, I started driving again and realized that poof my jankety jank tire was down again, so I called home and sent Dad to the rescue. What a crazy end to a perfect day! I was feeling so good about myself, and then I sat in a hot car all sweaty in my pretty blouse and skirt till Dad came and helped me put the little donut on my back left wheel and we drove home.
When I arrived home, I walked into the living room to find streamers and a big "Congratulations Teacher Ab!" sign in yellow. Mom made a chocolate cake with chocolate icing (my favorite food, by the way!) and we all celebrated--complete with mint choc chip ice cream!
The next couple of weeks will be crazy--next week will be my final week at Food Lion, and then the first week of August my family is going down to AL/FL to visit "the cousins" (yay!). I will need to move to Harnett County that next weekend, because I start the 11th! That's less than 3 weeks away!
And thus, I have a title. I am officially an English Teacher at Triton High School. Go Hawks!
I had what I thought would be my "final interview" at Triton this morning, so when I (A) walked in, I am greeted by the principal (P) saying, "Are you ready to get started?" Let me just give you the conversation. The stuff in parenthesis is what my brain was saying inside my head:
P: Are you ready to get started?
A:(Started? What am I supposed to begin if I have no idea what it is?) Yeah, definitely!
P: Well, do you have any questions for me right now?
A: (Questions about what? Like "do I have the job?") I think the main thing would be I would just like to know what I'll be doing next so that I can get started on planning and everything! (Double meaning: either where I'll be school-wise or where I could be within THIS school-wise)
P: Alright, well I have you down for Freshman Seminar in the Fall for 3 blocks and then 4th block planning; then in the Spring you'll have planning 1st and 2 regular and 1 Honors English I.
A: Oh, wow! That sounds great! (Do I look super surprised or is this ridiculous grin just giving away my professionalism?)
P: Wonderful. So, I will send in for your contract and we'll be on our way! New teacher orientation will begin August eleventh and last three days, then the rest of the teachers come back the 17th. School starts the next week. Any other questions?
A: Do you have the curriculum for me to look over before the school year starts? (Wait, he didn't say "You're hired," but I'm pretty sure he just hired me. My name is on all of his charts. I'm an English teacher--it's official!!!)
P: Yes, I will walk you over to the lady who has those and she can make you some copies. Great to see you again!
And that was it. I had my job in my pocket (the whole time, it seems, doesn't it?). The crazy thing is, my summer was so forlorn at times and I felt as though nothing was going to come together for me at all. I had finally come to the point where I realized that if I didn't get a teaching position, I would have to be okay doing something else for a while, and things would work out in time. Many of my friends still do not have jobs, and I feel very honored to have this opportunity. It's all so surreal! I can't believe it happened in one day!
So here's what I think about this whole situation: if it were an easy summer and I had known the whole time that I had it in the bag and I didn't have to strive for my goal and search everywhere that I could for a position and be rejected a few times (all the while working at Food Lion which is just indescribable how much it makes me yearn to feel purpose in my work), I would not have appreciated this as much as I truly do right now. This job is a gift. My "birthday wish" ten days ago was to get a job. But on top of that silliness, I cried and prayed many a day and night this summer in expectation of what would occur in the end. I wanted to bring glory to the Lord in whatever work I ended up doing, and I didn't want to give up on what I thought he had gifted me in doing. So I pressed on.
This morning before my interview, I read a little in Isaiah when he says, "Here am I! send me" (6:8), and then I happened across 1 Corinthians 15:58, "Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." These verses were a perfect reminder of His grace in my life. I started my day saying "Lord, I'm yours. I do not know what's coming, but send me to do what you will have for me. My work thus far has been hard hard hard, but I will work for you. If it be teaching or something else, put me where you will." I'm not saying that the Lord will give you whatever you want on a given day, but if we realize that His grace is sufficient for each day, we also know that "sufficient for the day is its own trouble," (Mt. 6:34)and the Lord cares for His beloved. Not that I am in any way deserving of that, but because He is love, he loves me. I do not love, or serve, or teach, or do [anything] without Him. [Yes, I am screaming and singing halleloo, and you can too!]
So, I acquired my job and set off for home. I drove all the way down 421 to the exit to 40/85 and heard this strange noise. A car pulled up beside me and the driver started motioning to my back tire and mouthing, "IT's FLAT! YOUR TIRE!" So I pulled over. The car stopped a bit in front of me and a guy walked up with a bottle of air in a can or something crazy and pumped it up for me. He said the tire looked fine, I just needed to get the valve fixed. Wheew! I just had a flat not too long ago at the end of last semester, and now here's another! Well, I started driving again and realized that poof my jankety jank tire was down again, so I called home and sent Dad to the rescue. What a crazy end to a perfect day! I was feeling so good about myself, and then I sat in a hot car all sweaty in my pretty blouse and skirt till Dad came and helped me put the little donut on my back left wheel and we drove home.
When I arrived home, I walked into the living room to find streamers and a big "Congratulations Teacher Ab!" sign in yellow. Mom made a chocolate cake with chocolate icing (my favorite food, by the way!) and we all celebrated--complete with mint choc chip ice cream!
The next couple of weeks will be crazy--next week will be my final week at Food Lion, and then the first week of August my family is going down to AL/FL to visit "the cousins" (yay!). I will need to move to Harnett County that next weekend, because I start the 11th! That's less than 3 weeks away!
And thus, I have a title. I am officially an English Teacher at Triton High School. Go Hawks!
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Grammar to the Glory of God
Soli Deo Gloria. If we as believers must truly desire to give glory to God in all aspects of life, then why should we forget what some would call "minute" details? Come along with me on this one; I think it might be an eye-opening Sunday afternoon drive.
I have been slowly chewing on the ideas in a book called Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss. She bestows quite a hilarious approach to grammar and encourages the reader to "unleash your Inner Stickler" when it comes to grammatical atrocities. I have to admit, a little part of my heart dies every time I see any of the following (which is not an all-encompassing list, believe me):
The dog took it's bone to the grass.
You're sister is so sweet.
Him and I love going to the park.
The darker it gets, the more I love the star's.
But why do mistakes similar to these matter in the whole scheme of things? In an ever-changing world of texting/internet/twitter/facebook/etc. where fewer and fewer people know how to write or speak correctly, I must insist that grammar is an imperative aspect of taking hold of our postmodern (or post-postmodern) culture.
Anything goes! If it's right for you, then it's good; just don't hurt anyone else (or splice anyone's comma). I beg to differ. As Christians in this time, we are compelled to set ourselves apart as fellow sufferers for the gospel--and if the gospel permeates us, it envelopes everything in our lives and causes us to yearn to glorify God in all things. Thus, we must hold on to the knowledge that we know to be true, and realize that through it we might glorify the Lord as we "set the believers an example in SPEECH, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity" (1 Timothy 4:12).
Think about the way that language affects us on a daily basis. If not for communication--in multiple aspects--we would not be able to share in conversation, write out our thoughts, discuss valid aspects of life, and the list goes on. Each culture shares its own language complete with expressions through words along with gestures. English has come a long way in the manner that it has adapted due to necessity with culture or simply adding new words because of the mixture of varying cultures. I am not against the morphing of language due to the increase of usable words (without this English might have been a dead language by now anyway); I am simply advocating for the correct usage of the grammar that is currently in place and its importance in our global society. [However, I will add that some of our current "new" words are less-than par: "pwned" and "noob"? I'll pass.] I will also point out the importance of grammar in the spread of the gospel as the scriptures have been translated to other languages because scholars have exhausted countless hours studying and converting words and syntax into the original tongue of other cultures so that Christ may be known. The same can be said about missionaries who study language to carry the gospel in word and deed...and how beautiful it is! If we have a lack of consistent communication in our own language, how are we to learn to share the gospel effectively to other peoples (or, even others in our own language)?
Thus, I leave you with this thought: how captivated are you by the glory of Christ and how he reveals himself even in the minute details? Have we slipped so far from the core of the gospel that we forget that the Lord does not neglect details? Of course I am not negating His grace and how powerful that is in our lives, but we are called to be holy--and that is a lofty calling. Today, pay attention to the details that come together to create a beautiful picture in the realm of the gospel. Do not neglect to glorify the Lord by holding onto the beauty that is in structure, just like he has patterned the universe.
So, "soli Deo gloria en grammaria"?
(Don't be alarmed; I made that up)
(P.S. A special thanks to my brother Joel for giving me the initiative to author this post!)
I have been slowly chewing on the ideas in a book called Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss. She bestows quite a hilarious approach to grammar and encourages the reader to "unleash your Inner Stickler" when it comes to grammatical atrocities. I have to admit, a little part of my heart dies every time I see any of the following (which is not an all-encompassing list, believe me):
The dog took it's bone to the grass.
You're sister is so sweet.
Him and I love going to the park.
The darker it gets, the more I love the star's.
But why do mistakes similar to these matter in the whole scheme of things? In an ever-changing world of texting/internet/twitter/facebook/etc. where fewer and fewer people know how to write or speak correctly, I must insist that grammar is an imperative aspect of taking hold of our postmodern (or post-postmodern) culture.
Anything goes! If it's right for you, then it's good; just don't hurt anyone else (or splice anyone's comma). I beg to differ. As Christians in this time, we are compelled to set ourselves apart as fellow sufferers for the gospel--and if the gospel permeates us, it envelopes everything in our lives and causes us to yearn to glorify God in all things. Thus, we must hold on to the knowledge that we know to be true, and realize that through it we might glorify the Lord as we "set the believers an example in SPEECH, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity" (1 Timothy 4:12).
Think about the way that language affects us on a daily basis. If not for communication--in multiple aspects--we would not be able to share in conversation, write out our thoughts, discuss valid aspects of life, and the list goes on. Each culture shares its own language complete with expressions through words along with gestures. English has come a long way in the manner that it has adapted due to necessity with culture or simply adding new words because of the mixture of varying cultures. I am not against the morphing of language due to the increase of usable words (without this English might have been a dead language by now anyway); I am simply advocating for the correct usage of the grammar that is currently in place and its importance in our global society. [However, I will add that some of our current "new" words are less-than par: "pwned" and "noob"? I'll pass.] I will also point out the importance of grammar in the spread of the gospel as the scriptures have been translated to other languages because scholars have exhausted countless hours studying and converting words and syntax into the original tongue of other cultures so that Christ may be known. The same can be said about missionaries who study language to carry the gospel in word and deed...and how beautiful it is! If we have a lack of consistent communication in our own language, how are we to learn to share the gospel effectively to other peoples (or, even others in our own language)?
Thus, I leave you with this thought: how captivated are you by the glory of Christ and how he reveals himself even in the minute details? Have we slipped so far from the core of the gospel that we forget that the Lord does not neglect details? Of course I am not negating His grace and how powerful that is in our lives, but we are called to be holy--and that is a lofty calling. Today, pay attention to the details that come together to create a beautiful picture in the realm of the gospel. Do not neglect to glorify the Lord by holding onto the beauty that is in structure, just like he has patterned the universe.
So, "soli Deo gloria en grammaria"?
(Don't be alarmed; I made that up)
(P.S. A special thanks to my brother Joel for giving me the initiative to author this post!)
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
The job search ensues (and other news)...
This morning, I had an interview at Western Harnett High School (in the boonies of Lillington, NC). Last night I could not sleep at all...I got so nervous for some reason! I don't know why, but this one just seemed really imperative to me and I kept thinking about all the questions and how I might respond honestly, clearly, and intelligently to each one. I wore my new black and white birthday skirt (which mom let me use even though my birthday is next week), my new turquoise ring from Cherokee, and my pearl necklace. Everything felt exactly right for me to walk in there and show them my love of teaching (but more so the students). When I arrived, I was greeted in the little board room by the principal, and assistant principal, and the chairlady of the English department. The interview went quite well, I must say. I felt very confident and comfortable with them, and I enjoyed gleaning from their insight as well as sharing some of my own experiences thus far. My roomie from Campbell's mom teaches there, so I was able to do a little name-dropping as well, which I was fo'sho' gonna do!
Last week, I interviewed with Dudley High in Greensboro, and at Wesleyan, where I went to High School. Both of those went okay, but I didn't hear anything back from either school, so I am assuming I didn't strike their fancy. But I am okay with that, because anywhere that I do not get a job offer is a door that the Lord is closing so that he will put me in the place exactly fit for me. I want my first year of teaching to be a great experience where I can learn and grow and really settle down and enjoy what I am doing. I want to be organized and involved in every way that I can without drowning...and that is exactly what I intend to do!
I am a teacher. I know in my little heart that if I were not a teacher deep down inside, then I would have no desire to teach; I would throw it all behind me and look for the quickest way outta this profession. But I simply cannot do that. There are days when it is and will be the longest and most frustrating job that I will ever encounter, but there are also moments when I will see the look in my students' eyes and understand why the Lord has placed me in this position. Yes, I will teach literature, but I will also teach applicable lessons about life. I will love my students even when they hate me. I have been reading The Freedom Writers Diary, and it's been very encouraging to see the way one teacher impacted her students' lives to spur on change in their community. I am learning from the way that she challenged each student individually and encouraged them to learn because she believed that they could. I will not give up on my students; I will expect the best from them, because I know that they can and will succeed.
Other than that, I went camping in the Smoky Mtns. this past weekend with my family and it was great! We hiked up to Mt. Laconte, an 11 mile round trip! My legs hated me, and I realized that chacos are not meant to take the place of hiking boots but I wore them anyway :o) I didn't shower for 4 days, and I enjoyed the beauty of creation.
And so, I look forward to what's coming in my life. I have no idea what the next moment brings, but I trust in the faithfulness of my savior. I will not get caught in moments of fear when I think I will be stuck at food lion forever. I will believe that the Lord's provision is sufficient for each day. And I will glorify and thank him for his mercy and grace that lasts beyond what my mind can comprehend.
To Him be the glory forever! Amen.
Last week, I interviewed with Dudley High in Greensboro, and at Wesleyan, where I went to High School. Both of those went okay, but I didn't hear anything back from either school, so I am assuming I didn't strike their fancy. But I am okay with that, because anywhere that I do not get a job offer is a door that the Lord is closing so that he will put me in the place exactly fit for me. I want my first year of teaching to be a great experience where I can learn and grow and really settle down and enjoy what I am doing. I want to be organized and involved in every way that I can without drowning...and that is exactly what I intend to do!
I am a teacher. I know in my little heart that if I were not a teacher deep down inside, then I would have no desire to teach; I would throw it all behind me and look for the quickest way outta this profession. But I simply cannot do that. There are days when it is and will be the longest and most frustrating job that I will ever encounter, but there are also moments when I will see the look in my students' eyes and understand why the Lord has placed me in this position. Yes, I will teach literature, but I will also teach applicable lessons about life. I will love my students even when they hate me. I have been reading The Freedom Writers Diary, and it's been very encouraging to see the way one teacher impacted her students' lives to spur on change in their community. I am learning from the way that she challenged each student individually and encouraged them to learn because she believed that they could. I will not give up on my students; I will expect the best from them, because I know that they can and will succeed.
Other than that, I went camping in the Smoky Mtns. this past weekend with my family and it was great! We hiked up to Mt. Laconte, an 11 mile round trip! My legs hated me, and I realized that chacos are not meant to take the place of hiking boots but I wore them anyway :o) I didn't shower for 4 days, and I enjoyed the beauty of creation.
And so, I look forward to what's coming in my life. I have no idea what the next moment brings, but I trust in the faithfulness of my savior. I will not get caught in moments of fear when I think I will be stuck at food lion forever. I will believe that the Lord's provision is sufficient for each day. And I will glorify and thank him for his mercy and grace that lasts beyond what my mind can comprehend.
To Him be the glory forever! Amen.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Future Hope
Some days I just don't have a clue what I'm thinking. Sometimes the Lord is so surprising. Well, all the time, actually. I trust His sovereignty, even when I am surrounded by a cloud of confusion and can't seem to see my next step. I fall on the arms of my beautiful savior who calls me beloved.
"Sing me a song, so I can close my eyes..." -Sandra McCracken
So, I don't have a whole lot of clarity in a few different things in my life, but I am willing to wait on the Lord. I must. He is so good.
"Sing me a song, so I can close my eyes..." -Sandra McCracken
So, I don't have a whole lot of clarity in a few different things in my life, but I am willing to wait on the Lord. I must. He is so good.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
News of the day
I would like to announce that I am writing a story, and I like it so far. I am not revealing it until it is complete, so I hope that you await it with anticipation, but don't wet your pants yet. It's gonna be good. I'll give you one sentence: "For some reason, 'Old Miss Mag' was a legend in town. Emmalyn had heard that her real name was Magnolia Taylor, but she hated her first name, and her last name was a constant reminder that she never married, so she didn't use either."
Ok, that's all I'm giving you for now...and it doesn't give much away, it's just to wet your appetite--I hope you're hungry. I'm hoping to finish it quickly...I was always afraid to write before because I thought I would find that I am no good at it. But I promise to attempt.
In other news, I had another meeting at Triton...I went there and talked to the principal a full FIVE minutes. It was ridiculous. He told me that he would like to have me...he's going to call my references soon and he will keep in touch and hopefully we can get this all straightened out in the next few weeks. There is still a hiring freeze, so not too much we can cut through there. But I was able to go spend time with my students and read The Odyssey...what fun! I really enjoyed being there for part of the day, and hopefully I can soon call it my home and have my own classroom there. It's where I want to be.
I'm going to start working at Food Lion again next week. Woowhee, here comes the summer. But I'm okay with that, it's a job and in my free time I can read and write and prepare for what's to come. Hopefully I can pull away some weekends for traveling to see the ones I love that are a bit far away..
Ok, that's all I'm giving you for now...and it doesn't give much away, it's just to wet your appetite--I hope you're hungry. I'm hoping to finish it quickly...I was always afraid to write before because I thought I would find that I am no good at it. But I promise to attempt.
In other news, I had another meeting at Triton...I went there and talked to the principal a full FIVE minutes. It was ridiculous. He told me that he would like to have me...he's going to call my references soon and he will keep in touch and hopefully we can get this all straightened out in the next few weeks. There is still a hiring freeze, so not too much we can cut through there. But I was able to go spend time with my students and read The Odyssey...what fun! I really enjoyed being there for part of the day, and hopefully I can soon call it my home and have my own classroom there. It's where I want to be.
I'm going to start working at Food Lion again next week. Woowhee, here comes the summer. But I'm okay with that, it's a job and in my free time I can read and write and prepare for what's to come. Hopefully I can pull away some weekends for traveling to see the ones I love that are a bit far away..
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Ah, those summer nights
I should be sleeping, but staying up late is what summers are for, right?
Some things I've been thinking about lately:
a. I should do better at summer reading. I think people expect me to be a huge reading nerd bc I majored in English, but I really have to buckle down and make time to read it seems. I do love it (although I still think I'm a slow-ish reader), but I'm usually a bum and do other random things instead...and a lot of my time recently has been filled with applications, organizing my room, and trying to see some friends before they go away for a long time. So it's acceptable I think. But soon, I shall re-embark on the MANY new and exciting (yet classic) book finds from yardsales that have been gathering dust on my newly set-up bookcases in my room.
b. What has happened to my heart? There are times when I am so up, and times when I am so down. There is just no in-between for me. I have always known that and seen that in my life, but I feel like recently I've been so sad inside for stupid, selfish reasons. I envy the lives of people I know, and I think that things "should have been different" for me...and it's a load of blah. I have been looking back on many things that I find in my room: trinkets, letters, yearbooks, etc. And realizing that there are times in my life that I have been so completely in love with the Lord that my heart just swells with joy and it comes out in the things that I write, say, and do. I don't know where I am exactly right now, but I know that I am not where I should be. I am crying out for Christ to be my all, but inside I am thinking "if only I had this...then everything would be okay.." But I will NEVER find myself in anything else but the One who redeemed my life from the pit of emptiness and death. So I pray that my heart will be renewed..."refresh my heart in Christ!"
c. I think any other problems I've been thinking about will always relay back to b, so I will go "this far and no further....we must draw the line here!" (if you can tell me what that's from you will get your name in my happy book)
d. I'm ready to be a teacher and have my own classroom and my own students, who will become what I secretly call my "babies" even though they're not that young. I am so excited to have my own room and decorate it and teach them.
Call to the Lord, and He will answer. This I believe.
Some things I've been thinking about lately:
a. I should do better at summer reading. I think people expect me to be a huge reading nerd bc I majored in English, but I really have to buckle down and make time to read it seems. I do love it (although I still think I'm a slow-ish reader), but I'm usually a bum and do other random things instead...and a lot of my time recently has been filled with applications, organizing my room, and trying to see some friends before they go away for a long time. So it's acceptable I think. But soon, I shall re-embark on the MANY new and exciting (yet classic) book finds from yardsales that have been gathering dust on my newly set-up bookcases in my room.
b. What has happened to my heart? There are times when I am so up, and times when I am so down. There is just no in-between for me. I have always known that and seen that in my life, but I feel like recently I've been so sad inside for stupid, selfish reasons. I envy the lives of people I know, and I think that things "should have been different" for me...and it's a load of blah. I have been looking back on many things that I find in my room: trinkets, letters, yearbooks, etc. And realizing that there are times in my life that I have been so completely in love with the Lord that my heart just swells with joy and it comes out in the things that I write, say, and do. I don't know where I am exactly right now, but I know that I am not where I should be. I am crying out for Christ to be my all, but inside I am thinking "if only I had this...then everything would be okay.." But I will NEVER find myself in anything else but the One who redeemed my life from the pit of emptiness and death. So I pray that my heart will be renewed..."refresh my heart in Christ!"
c. I think any other problems I've been thinking about will always relay back to b, so I will go "this far and no further....we must draw the line here!" (if you can tell me what that's from you will get your name in my happy book)
d. I'm ready to be a teacher and have my own classroom and my own students, who will become what I secretly call my "babies" even though they're not that young. I am so excited to have my own room and decorate it and teach them.
Call to the Lord, and He will answer. This I believe.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
The job search..
The days go on here in the life of Ab...
I graduated from Campbell University on May 9, 2009 with a Bachelor's Degree in English with Teacher Licensure, and a 3.921 GPA.
I moved home to HP, and now I'm hanging out with my family and some friends here for the summer. I'm looking to find a part time job until I start teaching in the Fall...and it looks like I might end up back at Food Lion, but at least I won't have to start anything new and it'll bring in some money to get me started on buying furniture/home supplies/rent for the fall...which brings me to...
I had an interview at Triton High, where I did my student teaching. I really enjoy the school--I've been very comfortable there, and I just keep coming back to knowing that it's where I want to begin teaching. I went to the Harnett Co. teacher job fair this past Monday, and it went pretty well...I enjoyed talking to the principal and assistant principals from Triton, and I got to see my cooperating teacher...love her! I also talked to a few other principals, but nothing else seemed promising...and I'm okay with that. Two days after the fair, I got an email from the Triton prinipal saying he would like for me to come back and talk to him about the open English position...I really have a hunch that he is going to hire me. I don't want to say for sure, but I'm almost certain. So, I'll be going back sometime in the next few weeks, and that'll be MISS LIND, to those freshman coming up next year! woo hoo!
I also had an interview at HPCA today, but they don't actually have a position open right now, just wanted to talk to me...so I'm gonna call it "good experience" in getting more interviews. yay.
Anyways, it's interesting beginning a new life outside of "college." I know I haven't exactly gone out on my own yet, but I think I will be doing that soon because I will have to figure out housing and costs along with good budgeting and saving methods. I really want to be a good steward of the money that I earn. I just don't want to go back and get in a rut...I'm afraid of what's to come of course...I don't want to be lonely, but I also don't want to feel like I'm still in college because most of my friends around there still are. So I'm praying for the Lord to send me a few really good close friends that I can rely on there to spend time with, and that I will be able to find roommates so that I can keep housing costs down.
So, the great news is that I might have a job soon, and the Lord is always good!
LoveLoveLove.
Abs
I graduated from Campbell University on May 9, 2009 with a Bachelor's Degree in English with Teacher Licensure, and a 3.921 GPA.
I moved home to HP, and now I'm hanging out with my family and some friends here for the summer. I'm looking to find a part time job until I start teaching in the Fall...and it looks like I might end up back at Food Lion, but at least I won't have to start anything new and it'll bring in some money to get me started on buying furniture/home supplies/rent for the fall...which brings me to...
I had an interview at Triton High, where I did my student teaching. I really enjoy the school--I've been very comfortable there, and I just keep coming back to knowing that it's where I want to begin teaching. I went to the Harnett Co. teacher job fair this past Monday, and it went pretty well...I enjoyed talking to the principal and assistant principals from Triton, and I got to see my cooperating teacher...love her! I also talked to a few other principals, but nothing else seemed promising...and I'm okay with that. Two days after the fair, I got an email from the Triton prinipal saying he would like for me to come back and talk to him about the open English position...I really have a hunch that he is going to hire me. I don't want to say for sure, but I'm almost certain. So, I'll be going back sometime in the next few weeks, and that'll be MISS LIND, to those freshman coming up next year! woo hoo!
I also had an interview at HPCA today, but they don't actually have a position open right now, just wanted to talk to me...so I'm gonna call it "good experience" in getting more interviews. yay.
Anyways, it's interesting beginning a new life outside of "college." I know I haven't exactly gone out on my own yet, but I think I will be doing that soon because I will have to figure out housing and costs along with good budgeting and saving methods. I really want to be a good steward of the money that I earn. I just don't want to go back and get in a rut...I'm afraid of what's to come of course...I don't want to be lonely, but I also don't want to feel like I'm still in college because most of my friends around there still are. So I'm praying for the Lord to send me a few really good close friends that I can rely on there to spend time with, and that I will be able to find roommates so that I can keep housing costs down.
So, the great news is that I might have a job soon, and the Lord is always good!
LoveLoveLove.
Abs
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
College minus class
College really is fun without the classes. Although I do admit to total nerdiness and love of learning, I love having time to hang out with people and truly enjoy conversation and quality time without worrying about the work I need to accomplish.
So, this week so far, I've done a lot due to the FACT that I am DONE with college:
Friday-Ben's 21st bday party with some amazing people
Saturday-Hung out in Raleigh with Kristin and Robyn (the beach trip washed away due to a rain forecast): brunch, $1.50 movie, long nap, dinner complete with amazing mashed taters, and good conversation
Sunday-Church at Grace PCA, an adventurous day with Diane at Raven rock complete with sweat, laughs, poetry, mountains, and strawberry picking! Then a huge taco dinner and a movie
Monday-AMAZING interview at Triton with the principal (not set in stone, but it looks like I have a job for the next school year!) then--fun day with Laurie turning in license paperwork and shopping in Smithfield (I met my husband haha) and eating shaved ice, then dinner with the boys and Diane--then a sleepover with Diane!
Tuesday-More adventures with Laurie at the board of ed. and Tubby's diner in Erwin, then hung out with the Crosses, and finally dinner with Kristin, Ruth, and Robyn...followed by SUNNI SKY'S!
To come:
Wednesday: Lunch at Dr. Peterman's with some lovely, intelligent senior girls, then ROAD TRIP with CeCe to go see Erin at Liberty U!
Thursday: Still at Liberty...then coming back
Friday: (planning in progress) but mostly packing up the dorm room
Saturday: GRADUATION FROM CAMPBELL UNIVERSITY: Abigail Grace Lind, BA in English Education, Summa Cum Laude!!!!! Saying goodbyes, hugs, tears, and a bonfire at the patty.
Sunday: church, then heading home for the summer to find some kind of job around HP...
Love to you.
Abs
So, this week so far, I've done a lot due to the FACT that I am DONE with college:
Friday-Ben's 21st bday party with some amazing people
Saturday-Hung out in Raleigh with Kristin and Robyn (the beach trip washed away due to a rain forecast): brunch, $1.50 movie, long nap, dinner complete with amazing mashed taters, and good conversation
Sunday-Church at Grace PCA, an adventurous day with Diane at Raven rock complete with sweat, laughs, poetry, mountains, and strawberry picking! Then a huge taco dinner and a movie
Monday-AMAZING interview at Triton with the principal (not set in stone, but it looks like I have a job for the next school year!) then--fun day with Laurie turning in license paperwork and shopping in Smithfield (I met my husband haha) and eating shaved ice, then dinner with the boys and Diane--then a sleepover with Diane!
Tuesday-More adventures with Laurie at the board of ed. and Tubby's diner in Erwin, then hung out with the Crosses, and finally dinner with Kristin, Ruth, and Robyn...followed by SUNNI SKY'S!
To come:
Wednesday: Lunch at Dr. Peterman's with some lovely, intelligent senior girls, then ROAD TRIP with CeCe to go see Erin at Liberty U!
Thursday: Still at Liberty...then coming back
Friday: (planning in progress) but mostly packing up the dorm room
Saturday: GRADUATION FROM CAMPBELL UNIVERSITY: Abigail Grace Lind, BA in English Education, Summa Cum Laude!!!!! Saying goodbyes, hugs, tears, and a bonfire at the patty.
Sunday: church, then heading home for the summer to find some kind of job around HP...
Love to you.
Abs
Thursday, April 30, 2009
If I hear the word economy again, I will shriek..
Current thoughts:
Dear NC legislature:
Stop cutting teacher jobs and teacher pay. If you diminish advances in education, you automatically impoverish our future.
Not much love,
Abigail
Ok, so I am not thinking this just because I need a teaching job. However, I'm tired of the fact that all I hear from principals is, "We would love to have you, but I don't know if I can hire anyone because I'm waiting to hear from the county..." I just can't help but realize that cutting education is a huge mistake in the long run. It CAN'T happen. That's all there is to it. Making classes larger and getting rid of teachers makes less time for individual learning, and neglects many students who will fall to the wayside just because they are not vocal enough to demand attention they need. It hurts my heart. Of course I'm worried that I will not get a job...for some reason, I'm pretty sure I will...maybe because I'm prideful and I know that I'm way too awesome for them to turn me down, but I'm just so frustrated.
I'm not even that excited about graduating because I'm so nervous about what's coming next. I don't know where I'm going to be next year, how I'm going to figure out where to live/who to live with/furniture to buy/etc... so I can't even enjoy what's going on right now. Plus, I am trying to find some little summer job near high point to keep me afloat until I do get a real "big girl" job in the Fall. I just never expected for things to be like this...all I heard about coming into education was the "teacher shortage, especially in High School," so it just doesn't make any sense to me.
Ok, I will stop now. I know that the Lord has a plan, it's just very hard to see myself surrounded by a cloud of confusion.
Oh, the wonder of life!
Dear NC legislature:
Stop cutting teacher jobs and teacher pay. If you diminish advances in education, you automatically impoverish our future.
Not much love,
Abigail
Ok, so I am not thinking this just because I need a teaching job. However, I'm tired of the fact that all I hear from principals is, "We would love to have you, but I don't know if I can hire anyone because I'm waiting to hear from the county..." I just can't help but realize that cutting education is a huge mistake in the long run. It CAN'T happen. That's all there is to it. Making classes larger and getting rid of teachers makes less time for individual learning, and neglects many students who will fall to the wayside just because they are not vocal enough to demand attention they need. It hurts my heart. Of course I'm worried that I will not get a job...for some reason, I'm pretty sure I will...maybe because I'm prideful and I know that I'm way too awesome for them to turn me down, but I'm just so frustrated.
I'm not even that excited about graduating because I'm so nervous about what's coming next. I don't know where I'm going to be next year, how I'm going to figure out where to live/who to live with/furniture to buy/etc... so I can't even enjoy what's going on right now. Plus, I am trying to find some little summer job near high point to keep me afloat until I do get a real "big girl" job in the Fall. I just never expected for things to be like this...all I heard about coming into education was the "teacher shortage, especially in High School," so it just doesn't make any sense to me.
Ok, I will stop now. I know that the Lord has a plan, it's just very hard to see myself surrounded by a cloud of confusion.
Oh, the wonder of life!
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Blessed Assurance
Sometimes I make these big plans for myself...and then they all come crashing down.
Which brings me to my knees, as well.
Ouch, sometimes I hit my face.
So I found out that I did not get the RD job at Campbell for next year...and I am still uncertain as to where I will get a teaching job. Triton still looks pretty promising, but no guarantees there either. Pooie, it looks like I'm going to have to grow up a little faster than I thought I would have to. Blah I just get so selfish and frustrated inside when my awesome "plans" don't work out the way I thought they should.
I really wanted to be an RD and get to know some more young girls coming into college and have an influence and blahdee blah...but then again, I know I will be able to focus on my students 100% my first year of teaching. YET, I will have to find a place to live (and get a job), and will not be able to save as much money as I had hoped during my first few years of teaching. I just wanna save up money and go to grad school and learn about Southern Literature and perhaps get a TA position at State or something. With my 3.9 GPA, it's a possibility; but I would like to take off time from teaching to focus on that at some point too, which is hard to do without any funds to support myself.
Another thought: why is it that people who are getting married can have people "shower" them with gifts and go to Target and pick out anything in the store and people go buy it for them, but people who are single and need to start a new life would be considered completely rude and weird to have a gift registry for things they need? I don't really have the money to buy things I need like towels and kitchen supplies for an apartment, but since I'm single and not getting married anywhere in the near future, I don't get a party thrown for me? Yes, singleness in itself is a gift...but getting married has its gifty perks! Oh, the irony. Haha! (Ok ok I'm done with that outbursting ramble!)
In the end, I am reminded of the old tune "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine..." And that is the only assurance that is completely certain and unfading. My plans fail. Always. His plans are sovereign, and I trust him. He will secure my needs. Hallelloo...if I trusted myself, I'd be in a very dark place, I'm sure..
"Everybody knows it hurts to grow up..." [Ben Folds]
Which brings me to my knees, as well.
Ouch, sometimes I hit my face.
So I found out that I did not get the RD job at Campbell for next year...and I am still uncertain as to where I will get a teaching job. Triton still looks pretty promising, but no guarantees there either. Pooie, it looks like I'm going to have to grow up a little faster than I thought I would have to. Blah I just get so selfish and frustrated inside when my awesome "plans" don't work out the way I thought they should.
I really wanted to be an RD and get to know some more young girls coming into college and have an influence and blahdee blah...but then again, I know I will be able to focus on my students 100% my first year of teaching. YET, I will have to find a place to live (and get a job), and will not be able to save as much money as I had hoped during my first few years of teaching. I just wanna save up money and go to grad school and learn about Southern Literature and perhaps get a TA position at State or something. With my 3.9 GPA, it's a possibility; but I would like to take off time from teaching to focus on that at some point too, which is hard to do without any funds to support myself.
Another thought: why is it that people who are getting married can have people "shower" them with gifts and go to Target and pick out anything in the store and people go buy it for them, but people who are single and need to start a new life would be considered completely rude and weird to have a gift registry for things they need? I don't really have the money to buy things I need like towels and kitchen supplies for an apartment, but since I'm single and not getting married anywhere in the near future, I don't get a party thrown for me? Yes, singleness in itself is a gift...but getting married has its gifty perks! Oh, the irony. Haha! (Ok ok I'm done with that outbursting ramble!)
In the end, I am reminded of the old tune "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine..." And that is the only assurance that is completely certain and unfading. My plans fail. Always. His plans are sovereign, and I trust him. He will secure my needs. Hallelloo...if I trusted myself, I'd be in a very dark place, I'm sure..
"Everybody knows it hurts to grow up..." [Ben Folds]
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Miss...uh...Lynn?
Well, student teaching is coming to a close almost! I have officially finished more than enough teaching hours (142 out of 125 to be exact), and I will still teach a few more days before the semester closes, I'm sure. Honestly, the whole deal has been a lot less stressful than I thought it would be. I only had one full breakdown day, and it was near the beginning when I had just started Romeo and Juliet and I just freaked out and stopped breathing for a little bit, cried my eyes out, and talked to people I knew would help me. They encouraged me and brought me back to where I knew I should be: knowing that I am capable and completely ready to teach.
Yes, I have complained about my situation...more so at the beginning because I was still very unsure of what I was doing and decided to put blame on situations and innocent people rather than myself, I admit. But the more comfortable I became with my students and the school, the less I worried about thinking too hard; I just DID it. I can't even explain how, it just came to me. I love teaching, there can be no denying it.
The thing I love the most about teaching is interacting with my students. They have really become my own; and I truly love each one of them. Sometimes they grate my nerves and make me call them down, but that's a necessary part of growing and learning. I know that the education system is messed up and politics are flying everywhere and there's no money in the economy for education, so we're going to send future generations down the drain (ok, so I'm being a little harsh, but it irks me). I have heard it all. But I also know that I am willing to work hard to be a great teacher. I know I can teach students who think that they can't do anything; because I know that they can. It's frustrating when they write essays like they are texting, but those are boundaries I am going to have to break.
Ok, so you're wondering about the title. I have learned every single student's name...that's about 70, okay? And my name is written clearly on the whiteboard next to the date every day. Yet these precious lambs still cannot remember my name. "Miss, I have a question...Miss..." "Miss Lynnn? Wheaare are yOu frommm?" "High Point." "Aoohhh. I knew you weren't from 'round down hearr." Precious lambs? Yes, indeed.
One of my favorite things is to start the class off by singing in opera, "The bell has rung!" It's super fun and makes them think I'm crazy. I love that.
Yes, I have complained about my situation...more so at the beginning because I was still very unsure of what I was doing and decided to put blame on situations and innocent people rather than myself, I admit. But the more comfortable I became with my students and the school, the less I worried about thinking too hard; I just DID it. I can't even explain how, it just came to me. I love teaching, there can be no denying it.
The thing I love the most about teaching is interacting with my students. They have really become my own; and I truly love each one of them. Sometimes they grate my nerves and make me call them down, but that's a necessary part of growing and learning. I know that the education system is messed up and politics are flying everywhere and there's no money in the economy for education, so we're going to send future generations down the drain (ok, so I'm being a little harsh, but it irks me). I have heard it all. But I also know that I am willing to work hard to be a great teacher. I know I can teach students who think that they can't do anything; because I know that they can. It's frustrating when they write essays like they are texting, but those are boundaries I am going to have to break.
Ok, so you're wondering about the title. I have learned every single student's name...that's about 70, okay? And my name is written clearly on the whiteboard next to the date every day. Yet these precious lambs still cannot remember my name. "Miss, I have a question...Miss..." "Miss Lynnn? Wheaare are yOu frommm?" "High Point." "Aoohhh. I knew you weren't from 'round down hearr." Precious lambs? Yes, indeed.
One of my favorite things is to start the class off by singing in opera, "The bell has rung!" It's super fun and makes them think I'm crazy. I love that.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Heavy Heart...
Why is is that sometimes my heart is oh-so-heavy? It feels as though it has sunk down into the depths of my lungs somewhere. Oh, the heaviness makes me feel as though I can barely breathe. Days like this come from nowhere, it seems.
But I know why. I'm one of those don't-think-about-it-repress-it-until-you-can-get-over-it kind of people, and then one day everything just decides to come pouring out. But by that time, I don't even know what I've been repressing anymore.
Perhaps today set me off, because I was thinking about what's coming next (a frequent thought these days, I admit)...I realize that I may be here for a while longer than I ever thought or hoped. Which is good and bad, indeed. Good: it looks like I may get a job at the school where I am student teaching (the principal is supposed to come speak to me soon!) -- with all the talk of teacher freezes in many NC counties, that is music to my ears. Bad: I feel as though I'm heading for a rut. I feel so enclosed and captured here sometimes. I never truly felt I really had a place here for some reason. But maybe there's a bright change on the horizon. The Lord will provide; he's opened these doors so far.
Also, I taught an overview/introductory lesson for the next novel I'm teaching (MAUS) on the holocaust. I do hope this unit goes well, I feel it will be somewhat draining...I was pretty drained by the end of today...another reason for a heavy heart is thinking about the pain of humanity that I associate with issues such as genocide...I was all the more reminded of what I consider the genocide that's been going on for years in our midst, that being the unborn. There are so many things that I am passionate about that I just don't know what to do or say or think. I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson "Keep Breathing"...it's a beautiful song, but when I listened to the lyrics, I realized its emptiness..."I want to change the world...instead I sleep. I want to believe in more than you and me... But all that I know is I'm breathing...All I can do is keep breathing." Really, how hopeless are our hearts today? Do we have nothing more to think of than the breath that is eradicated as quickly as it enters every moment? I fear this is true.
And so, yes, my heart is weighty. I will do more than breathe, for I have the hope of a promise and a love that will never let me go, and it exceeds any earthly love or hate that overpowers.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Romeo and such...
So, I've learned that when you teach, you learn a lot. A lot about things you never knew you'd have to think about. About the topics you're teaching (obviously), about relationships, about hardships, about ...yourself.
And through a lot of thinking and wondering, I've learned all the more that I am one of the most selfish people you'll ever meet. When I talk, I use (1st person) personal pronouns way too much. But I need to expand those to include the "you"s and the "we"s... The Lord has really been hitting me with some things recently that make me fall to my knees because there's no where else to go...the fact is, the world continually lets me down. People let me down...even friendships that I think will really last. And I see that all is fleeting.
Of course, everything in my life is relating to Romeo and Juliet, bc that's what I spend most of my time studying and discussing every day...times three. So I'm not taking the stance of "this is the most beautiful love story of all time--wah wah wah..." I'm taking the stance of "these are selfish, hasty youngins who made bad decisions and then they died bc all they did was think about the MOMENT and what they wanted RIGHT THEN." I'm sorry if that's a harsh outlook, but it's so true.
I just desire honesty in relationships. If I could truly look at all of my friends and tell them how much they mean to me, my heart would seep out of every pore of my being and only then could they see my love. I want something real that outlasts this fleeting breath that I take in and out every moment. I want to live in and through Christ, and see others in that light.
But how can the broken things be made straight? Sometimes, things break. Sometimes, you print a paper and it's beautiful and you've put so much hard work into it, and then you think you're done and the work is over, but as you pick up the pages, you get a papercut. And it's a little cut, but it hurts. And it still takes time to heal.
I'm so full of flowery metaphors, and I'm sorry. I'm just full of thoughts that I can't explain bc I can't stop questioning why... so, I don't know why in one sense, but I do know that my Lord is the sovereign God who controls the universe, down to every prick of my heart. And although I incessantly feel that I don't match up to the standards of the people around me, I don't have to. Because the God who made me also made every other beautiful thing in creation, and I have everlasting value.
And through a lot of thinking and wondering, I've learned all the more that I am one of the most selfish people you'll ever meet. When I talk, I use (1st person) personal pronouns way too much. But I need to expand those to include the "you"s and the "we"s... The Lord has really been hitting me with some things recently that make me fall to my knees because there's no where else to go...the fact is, the world continually lets me down. People let me down...even friendships that I think will really last. And I see that all is fleeting.
Of course, everything in my life is relating to Romeo and Juliet, bc that's what I spend most of my time studying and discussing every day...times three. So I'm not taking the stance of "this is the most beautiful love story of all time--wah wah wah..." I'm taking the stance of "these are selfish, hasty youngins who made bad decisions and then they died bc all they did was think about the MOMENT and what they wanted RIGHT THEN." I'm sorry if that's a harsh outlook, but it's so true.
I just desire honesty in relationships. If I could truly look at all of my friends and tell them how much they mean to me, my heart would seep out of every pore of my being and only then could they see my love. I want something real that outlasts this fleeting breath that I take in and out every moment. I want to live in and through Christ, and see others in that light.
But how can the broken things be made straight? Sometimes, things break. Sometimes, you print a paper and it's beautiful and you've put so much hard work into it, and then you think you're done and the work is over, but as you pick up the pages, you get a papercut. And it's a little cut, but it hurts. And it still takes time to heal.
I'm so full of flowery metaphors, and I'm sorry. I'm just full of thoughts that I can't explain bc I can't stop questioning why... so, I don't know why in one sense, but I do know that my Lord is the sovereign God who controls the universe, down to every prick of my heart. And although I incessantly feel that I don't match up to the standards of the people around me, I don't have to. Because the God who made me also made every other beautiful thing in creation, and I have everlasting value.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
A Warrior
Internal screaming, ensue.
I just have this constant knot in my stomach. But I will not be overtaken by my worry.
"O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of man." (Neh. 1: 11)
Oh, let me be a woman of prayer: one who thinks before she speaks, and who finds joy in praising the God of the universe who made her to delight in him. Let me not stray away from my deepest love, the father who created my inmost being and knows me better than any other person ever will. I will not find myself in anything but his presence, for "[my] life is hidden with Christ in God." (Col. 3:3) Indeed! Hidden, enveloped, submersed, enclosed...let others see nothing but Christ radiating from my being!
I will not give in to the temptation to take control of every aspect of my life; I will strive to trust the Lord. I will understand that selfishness is not a fruit of the spirit.
I will live to love my Jesus.
I just have this constant knot in my stomach. But I will not be overtaken by my worry.
Nehemiah prayed incessantly.
"O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of man." (Neh. 1: 11)
Oh, let me be a woman of prayer: one who thinks before she speaks, and who finds joy in praising the God of the universe who made her to delight in him. Let me not stray away from my deepest love, the father who created my inmost being and knows me better than any other person ever will. I will not find myself in anything but his presence, for "[my] life is hidden with Christ in God." (Col. 3:3) Indeed! Hidden, enveloped, submersed, enclosed...let others see nothing but Christ radiating from my being!
I will not give in to the temptation to take control of every aspect of my life; I will strive to trust the Lord. I will understand that selfishness is not a fruit of the spirit.
I will live to love my Jesus.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Everybody knows it hurts to grow up...
On campus--
During Spring break.
Barely anyone around.
And I,
I wake up before the sun--
And emerge as it does,
Greeting the world,
But thinking I am too young to be in this role.
I don't know why I felt the need to write that "poetically," but I did. I think a lot of things are hitting me today. Especially because I'm here on campus with no one else around because I sort of have a real job (minus the huge paychecks that come with the teaching profession). And because I'm going to begin teaching tomorrow fulltime, and it's going to be longer than I thought, as the words from my cooperating teacher today hit me with an internal freakout: "I don't have any more lesson planning to do now that you're taking over!" (When another teacher asked her if she wanted an activity sheet for later in the semester) MEANING: Miss Lind has to come up with lesson plans beyond the ones she's been brooding over for this Romeo and Juliet mere 2 week unit....
Then I did some math. For me to get my 125 teaching hours in, I must teach for 3 full weeks beyond these 2 for Shakespeare. So, it looks like I'm going to teach for 5 straight weeks starting tomorrow. I don't know why this never hit me before, but it just didn't. So now I'm kinda going insane inside a little bit. But ok it makes perfect sense, this is "student teaching," and in the Fall, I will be "for real teaching" everyday, not just when I've decided that I'm ready and someone else can take over when I don't feel like getting in front of a classroom of 25 giggling, squirming, or sleeping 9th graders.
AND! If I teach for these 5 weeks straight, I will be DONE with my teaching before my Spring break (the week after Easter)! Which means I will be able to relax and really work on putting together my portfolio after my break.
So, there are ups and downs, but this is life. I just can't believe I'm already here. I've worked my little Abigail fanny off for 3 and a half years to make it to this point, but I never thought it would come--it was always this faraway dream caught in a cloud that I couldn't truly see. And now it's here in reality. But I still can't grasp that it's happening to me right now!
Ok enough of the craziness, just had to type it all out.
I hate being here alone all week! Yesterday, I ate lunch and dinner in Marshbanks by myself and I had fun conversations in my head -- which could mean I'm crazy or I could make a good writer.
Pray for my heart's peace.
Abs
During Spring break.
Barely anyone around.
And I,
I wake up before the sun--
And emerge as it does,
Greeting the world,
But thinking I am too young to be in this role.
I don't know why I felt the need to write that "poetically," but I did. I think a lot of things are hitting me today. Especially because I'm here on campus with no one else around because I sort of have a real job (minus the huge paychecks that come with the teaching profession). And because I'm going to begin teaching tomorrow fulltime, and it's going to be longer than I thought, as the words from my cooperating teacher today hit me with an internal freakout: "I don't have any more lesson planning to do now that you're taking over!" (When another teacher asked her if she wanted an activity sheet for later in the semester) MEANING: Miss Lind has to come up with lesson plans beyond the ones she's been brooding over for this Romeo and Juliet mere 2 week unit....
Then I did some math. For me to get my 125 teaching hours in, I must teach for 3 full weeks beyond these 2 for Shakespeare. So, it looks like I'm going to teach for 5 straight weeks starting tomorrow. I don't know why this never hit me before, but it just didn't. So now I'm kinda going insane inside a little bit. But ok it makes perfect sense, this is "student teaching," and in the Fall, I will be "for real teaching" everyday, not just when I've decided that I'm ready and someone else can take over when I don't feel like getting in front of a classroom of 25 giggling, squirming, or sleeping 9th graders.
AND! If I teach for these 5 weeks straight, I will be DONE with my teaching before my Spring break (the week after Easter)! Which means I will be able to relax and really work on putting together my portfolio after my break.
So, there are ups and downs, but this is life. I just can't believe I'm already here. I've worked my little Abigail fanny off for 3 and a half years to make it to this point, but I never thought it would come--it was always this faraway dream caught in a cloud that I couldn't truly see. And now it's here in reality. But I still can't grasp that it's happening to me right now!
Ok enough of the craziness, just had to type it all out.
I hate being here alone all week! Yesterday, I ate lunch and dinner in Marshbanks by myself and I had fun conversations in my head -- which could mean I'm crazy or I could make a good writer.
Pray for my heart's peace.
Abs
Thursday, February 26, 2009
A Sonnet
I've always wanted to write a sonnet, so during 4th block today, I did (although I think it sounds like a country song, it's my first attempt, and don't laugh at me, this is real life, yo.)
Sonnet # 1
What if I told you I have fallen --
Would you leave me there alone?
When these lonely thoughts come callin',
I'm left shivering to the bone.
One night you hugged me tightly;
The next you forgot my existence --
Should I take these phonecalls lightly
Or ask my heart to feign resistance?
Can I forget the laughs we shared,
Or the times we spent conversing?
You became the one for whom I cared
But to you, I was a thought reversing.
"Just friends," those words I hate to hear;
They're posted on my face, I fear.
Would you leave me there alone?
When these lonely thoughts come callin',
I'm left shivering to the bone.
One night you hugged me tightly;
The next you forgot my existence --
Should I take these phonecalls lightly
Or ask my heart to feign resistance?
Can I forget the laughs we shared,
Or the times we spent conversing?
You became the one for whom I cared
But to you, I was a thought reversing.
"Just friends," those words I hate to hear;
They're posted on my face, I fear.
Monday, February 23, 2009
The Revolution
"I must be a light there..."
If only a glimmer;
A slight sparkle to separate from the mass of harsh, black night.
Who am I to attempt to break the boundaries of cultural revolution?
(Those "boundaries" cover the hostile seclusion of individual needs.)
Indeed, a revolutionary -- I must be.
Love is the fruition; Light is the hope of the finality.
Each tiny flame gathers to the center
And creates enough light for a few others to catch a spark --
Then, they join the force.
How will they know if they are not told (or shown)?
How will you love if you have no hope in Light?
They say, "We must shine." I say, "If I do not, I am overcome by the darkness."
This little light will shine; even --
If only a glimmer.
AGL
I Finished another full day of teaching, and my thoughts have run rampant throughout this process. "Why am I here/ What am I doing?/ Internal screaming!" AND "Wow, that made this whole day worth it." What is a revolution? It does not have to necessitate a negative connotation.
I will start a revolution of light -- loving one student at a time.
I am a teacher. I am a believer.
I will start a revolution of light -- loving one student at a time.
I am a teacher. I am a believer.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
The Teacher "Look"
It's a cold stare that means business.
It's the narrowing of the eyes and the hand on the hip.
It's the dead silence that can be cut with a knife.
It's...the teacher "look."
Well, I taught my first full day of school yesterday, and the comments from Mrs. C. were, "I have nothing to tell you to improve upon...the only thing for you to think about is time management, and it's just something you'll gain with practice." "You are a natural, there's nothing more I can say."
Wow, what a relief. So, I have appeased the master -- but, I think that's what I did -- I taught like her. So I have decided I'm slowly going to kick up my feet and start bringing in some new ideas. If I have already proven that I have the ability to teach well, then I can prove that I can teach well with a variety of activities, too. And most of all, I've proven to myself that I love doing this, no matter how hard it is at certain times. I've always heard teaching is a gift, and I've unwrapped it and tried it on; and well, it fits! And that's so exciting for me. I know I do and will complain, but I know that I still love it. Because I love those students, and I am willing to give, give, give...no matter the long hours of preparation, the drooping eyes in the classroom (because just a few "I get it!" looks are worthwhile), the incessant chattering that I hush by my witty remarks ("Just because I walked to another part of the room does not mean I've disappeared!"), or the fights in the hallways that will never cease. They need someone to give them love, because it may not come from anywhere else.
So, I'm perfecting my "I-mean-business" look that covers the look that cares more than they know. Draining, yes. Worth it, yes.
This semester is going to seem long but short all at the same time. I want to spend time with people but it's so hard to balance my "bedtime" and lesson planning with truly knowing and loving those around me. So, "time management" needs to smack me in the face in all realms of living. Why is it that sometimes you don't see something big until it seems almost too late? Am I running out of time, or do we really have all the time in the world?
Love never fails.
Abigail
It's the narrowing of the eyes and the hand on the hip.
It's the dead silence that can be cut with a knife.
It's...the teacher "look."
Well, I taught my first full day of school yesterday, and the comments from Mrs. C. were, "I have nothing to tell you to improve upon...the only thing for you to think about is time management, and it's just something you'll gain with practice." "You are a natural, there's nothing more I can say."
Wow, what a relief. So, I have appeased the master -- but, I think that's what I did -- I taught like her. So I have decided I'm slowly going to kick up my feet and start bringing in some new ideas. If I have already proven that I have the ability to teach well, then I can prove that I can teach well with a variety of activities, too. And most of all, I've proven to myself that I love doing this, no matter how hard it is at certain times. I've always heard teaching is a gift, and I've unwrapped it and tried it on; and well, it fits! And that's so exciting for me. I know I do and will complain, but I know that I still love it. Because I love those students, and I am willing to give, give, give...no matter the long hours of preparation, the drooping eyes in the classroom (because just a few "I get it!" looks are worthwhile), the incessant chattering that I hush by my witty remarks ("Just because I walked to another part of the room does not mean I've disappeared!"), or the fights in the hallways that will never cease. They need someone to give them love, because it may not come from anywhere else.
So, I'm perfecting my "I-mean-business" look that covers the look that cares more than they know. Draining, yes. Worth it, yes.
This semester is going to seem long but short all at the same time. I want to spend time with people but it's so hard to balance my "bedtime" and lesson planning with truly knowing and loving those around me. So, "time management" needs to smack me in the face in all realms of living. Why is it that sometimes you don't see something big until it seems almost too late? Am I running out of time, or do we really have all the time in the world?
Love never fails.
Abigail
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Grace in the Valley
If only I had time to say everything right now, I would. There are many things on my mind...
All I know is that through uncertainty, Christ is my solid foundation.
"The Valley of Vision" (A Puritan Prayer)
Lord, High and Holy, Meek and Lowly,
thou hast brought me up to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells,
and the deeper wells the brighter thy stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.
All I know is that through uncertainty, Christ is my solid foundation.
"The Valley of Vision" (A Puritan Prayer)
Lord, High and Holy, Meek and Lowly,
thou hast brought me up to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells,
and the deeper wells the brighter thy stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.
Let it be for me.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Alas, it's Valentine's Day...
Every year I go through these up-and-down moments on this very day...why? Because I'm a stupid girl. I really do love Valentine's day...how beautiful it is to set aside a day completely devoted to the most amazing thing the Lord made...because He is love (And it doesn't matter if I have a "valentine" or not). But, we have skewed it to what we want it to be, instead of taking it for what it is. Almost every song written has something to do with this "love," it seems, and I wonder the true definition of it. I have asked so many times what it could truly feel like to be in love, and I get a different answer every time, because it can't be truly explained in mere words. "To love" is a verb indeed.
On the other hand, my mind wanders to my own helplessness in this whole realm. Perhaps it's the silliest thing, but I've always been a thinker, and my thoughts circle around and around themselves. Of course I want to be in love, but I want it to be right, and I don't want to go through hurt again...but sometimes it seems it's worth a try, right? To quote my sister last semester, "You just have bad luck with boys!" And, well, that's quite true. But I believe that the Lord will work it all out in his timing, and I have to believe that. I will not give into lies about not being good enough, or pretty enough, or interesting enough, or talented enough, or smart enough, or witty enough. Christ is enough, and he is all (and no, I'm not saying he's my boyfriend, that's dumb, it's completely different, thank you). But one day there will be a man who will see me as I am, and love me. I just get so frustrated with myself because I make myself believe things that aren't true -- I either "read into" every pithy situation, or...well, to change this into stream-of-consciousness, boys just don't know how to handle situations. At all. And I've cried too many unnecessary tears. But every time, I fall again -- there's just no controlling my heart. But to love swiftly and abundantly is better than not loving at all, right?
I'm glad I've been writing a bit more this semester. I have my personal journal but I just haven't been picking up the pen lately because of the madness of daily life -- so these little snippets help me to remember my thoughts, I just hope no one laughs at me. And if anyone does, so be it. I give you my heart, there is nothing more to give. So laugh with me, cry with me, and, well, love me.
Happy Valentine's Day. I love you.
P.S. I found out that I am a (insert 16 "greats") granddaughter to William of Orange...therefore, I'm a princess.
On the other hand, my mind wanders to my own helplessness in this whole realm. Perhaps it's the silliest thing, but I've always been a thinker, and my thoughts circle around and around themselves. Of course I want to be in love, but I want it to be right, and I don't want to go through hurt again...but sometimes it seems it's worth a try, right? To quote my sister last semester, "You just have bad luck with boys!" And, well, that's quite true. But I believe that the Lord will work it all out in his timing, and I have to believe that. I will not give into lies about not being good enough, or pretty enough, or interesting enough, or talented enough, or smart enough, or witty enough. Christ is enough, and he is all (and no, I'm not saying he's my boyfriend, that's dumb, it's completely different, thank you). But one day there will be a man who will see me as I am, and love me. I just get so frustrated with myself because I make myself believe things that aren't true -- I either "read into" every pithy situation, or...well, to change this into stream-of-consciousness, boys just don't know how to handle situations. At all. And I've cried too many unnecessary tears. But every time, I fall again -- there's just no controlling my heart. But to love swiftly and abundantly is better than not loving at all, right?
I'm glad I've been writing a bit more this semester. I have my personal journal but I just haven't been picking up the pen lately because of the madness of daily life -- so these little snippets help me to remember my thoughts, I just hope no one laughs at me. And if anyone does, so be it. I give you my heart, there is nothing more to give. So laugh with me, cry with me, and, well, love me.
Happy Valentine's Day. I love you.
P.S. I found out that I am a (insert 16 "greats") granddaughter to William of Orange...therefore, I'm a princess.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I'm a [student] teacher!
First official day of student teaching: splendiferific (and yes, I made up that word, and I can, because I'm an English teacher).
Basically, I just sat in the back at my own personal desk and observed; but I am trying to get a good understanding of the students and I'm getting to know the backs of their heads really well--I'm getting quite good at that.
Then, there's the super ADD kid who constantly leans his desk back on two legs:
Miss Lind: "How many legs does that desk have?"
ADD: "Whaa?"
Miss Lind: "How many legs does that desk have?"
ADD: "ummm, four" (holding up four fingers and giving me a "duh" look)
Miss Lind: "Well then, maybe it should stand on all four of its legs."
[Showed him, yo.]
haha, but really--there are so many ways to deal with students, and right now, they need to know that a. I love them and care about them, and b. they're not gonna get away with crap from me. And on top of that, it kinda rocks that c. I'm super fun and if they behave they're going to have a great time in my class. Yes, they are.
Above all, teaching can be--and is--a ministry. Even if I'm not speaking Jesus' name to them, I am praying for them, and displaying His love--not on my own ability, but through the grace of the Lord, I am what I am.
PS--It's good for my heart to admire certain people. And I do.
Basically, I just sat in the back at my own personal desk and observed; but I am trying to get a good understanding of the students and I'm getting to know the backs of their heads really well--I'm getting quite good at that.
Then, there's the super ADD kid who constantly leans his desk back on two legs:
Miss Lind: "How many legs does that desk have?"
ADD: "Whaa?"
Miss Lind: "How many legs does that desk have?"
ADD: "ummm, four" (holding up four fingers and giving me a "duh" look)
Miss Lind: "Well then, maybe it should stand on all four of its legs."
[Showed him, yo.]
haha, but really--there are so many ways to deal with students, and right now, they need to know that a. I love them and care about them, and b. they're not gonna get away with crap from me. And on top of that, it kinda rocks that c. I'm super fun and if they behave they're going to have a great time in my class. Yes, they are.
Above all, teaching can be--and is--a ministry. Even if I'm not speaking Jesus' name to them, I am praying for them, and displaying His love--not on my own ability, but through the grace of the Lord, I am what I am.
PS--It's good for my heart to admire certain people. And I do.
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Extravagant Devotion
It's the perfect day for a picnic, so I'm wearing my Sunday dress all day today. Weather like this makes me want to run out into a field of flowers barefoot and sing at the top of my lungs. It reminds me of a Kate Chopin quote from The Awakening: "Delicious February days, with all the summer's promise hovering in the air..." Yep, that's today.
Anyway, this weekend was an absolute refreshment for me...I went to the 20/20 conference at Southeastern (which made me miss my big brother a lot), and it was entitled, "The Gospel Comes to Life." How beautiful it is to renew an outlook of what the gospel means to us as Christians today: the gospel is as relevant now as it was way back in the times when everyone wore long itchy robes and had huge callouses on their dusty feet. We are not to conform to our culture, but to allow the gospel to exude from us and bring truth to our culture. We love our cities, our people...and we are commanded to be the city within the city that will pray and love. Christ is redeeming all of creation, including the culture in which we live, and what a blessing that he allows us to send out the gospel, although we are so undeserving to even speak his lovely name. We must love and worship in a Biblical way: one that does not accept views that denounce scripture, but one that shows the truth through the love of Christ that sets us free.
How beautiful it could be if I could have a heart like Mary who pours the perfume on Jesus...an act of extravagant love and devotion to her savior in the midst of the whisperings of her culture. I desire to love Christ above all my desires; may they be a future job, a husband, or any pithy homework assignments that try to cloud my mind. We must take hearts filled with devotion to our culture--with right devotion in humility of the Grace of our Lord.
Soli Deo Gloria.
Anyway, this weekend was an absolute refreshment for me...I went to the 20/20 conference at Southeastern (which made me miss my big brother a lot), and it was entitled, "The Gospel Comes to Life." How beautiful it is to renew an outlook of what the gospel means to us as Christians today: the gospel is as relevant now as it was way back in the times when everyone wore long itchy robes and had huge callouses on their dusty feet. We are not to conform to our culture, but to allow the gospel to exude from us and bring truth to our culture. We love our cities, our people...and we are commanded to be the city within the city that will pray and love. Christ is redeeming all of creation, including the culture in which we live, and what a blessing that he allows us to send out the gospel, although we are so undeserving to even speak his lovely name. We must love and worship in a Biblical way: one that does not accept views that denounce scripture, but one that shows the truth through the love of Christ that sets us free.
How beautiful it could be if I could have a heart like Mary who pours the perfume on Jesus...an act of extravagant love and devotion to her savior in the midst of the whisperings of her culture. I desire to love Christ above all my desires; may they be a future job, a husband, or any pithy homework assignments that try to cloud my mind. We must take hearts filled with devotion to our culture--with right devotion in humility of the Grace of our Lord.
Soli Deo Gloria.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Why be a teacher? You're Crazy!
I have been feeling quite weary recently...there is a lot on my mind. First of all, I can't believe that I will be graduating college in 96 days, but mostly it's everything that comes with that fact. "Growing up" has never felt so real...bc it has hit me in the face and it hurts. ow.
I met my cooperating teacher at Triton High last week, and I am very excited to be student teaching one honors and two regular English I classes this semester. I want to teach because I have a passion for it. There is no explanation as to why I would be crazy enough in anyone else's mind...but that's ok, I'm crazy. But to be a teacher, you have to LOVE teaching, or else you will go insane. I want to reach my students and know them individually so that they can learn more than the basics of my "content area." The classroom can be an environment of so much more than just "learning the material." And as much as I complain about my ed classes, I realize that I've learned ideas in there that go beyond what I need to know about English. I love English, but I also must love what I'm doing with it, and that is truly loving my students. What an opportunity for ministry.
So, I have my foundation. I know that I am going to be a teacher, and that I am a hard worker. I am organized; and a perfectionist, which sometimes takes up way too much of my time. But I'm proud of the work that I do, because I know that I can accomplish things I set my mind to. And I desire to be the best teacher that I can be. But I just don't know where I'm going next....I hate not seeing what's right ahead. On one hand, there are so many opportunities and choices and that's exciting--I get to start again, anew, and really "grow up"! On the other hand, I can't make any set plans because I have no idea where I'm going to get a job. That's very scary to me...but I also know that the Lord is good, and he will never leave me. So I pray. That's all that I can do, and all that I should do. I do the work set before me right now, and take the world as it comes.
Hope is clear.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The Wings We Bear
She falls into the night.
The broken wings have lost their stamina--
To press on is impossible
The end,
Inevitable.
Lying on the cold earth
Her eyes sink into the darkness
With nothing to surround her--
Nothing to maintain warmth.
The end,
Inevitable.
Noises besiege her timid presence.
She darts her weak eyes
Yet her body remains motionless--
And stricken with pain.
The end,
Inevitable.
Morning breaks.
Light seems a stranger to her
One so unfamiliar
And yet so personal--
The end,
Withers.
The crooked wings by her sides
Gain strength
In the radiance of hope--
She knows not the now, but
The end,
Diminished.
The broken wings have lost their stamina--
To press on is impossible
The end,
Inevitable.
Lying on the cold earth
Her eyes sink into the darkness
With nothing to surround her--
Nothing to maintain warmth.
The end,
Inevitable.
Noises besiege her timid presence.
She darts her weak eyes
Yet her body remains motionless--
And stricken with pain.
The end,
Inevitable.
Morning breaks.
Light seems a stranger to her
One so unfamiliar
And yet so personal--
The end,
Withers.
The crooked wings by her sides
Gain strength
In the radiance of hope--
She knows not the now, but
The end,
Diminished.
I am so often caught in what I see before me--because sometimes I seem to see nothing at all. I look around and I am captured by the lies that the world flings at me. Yes; my wings are broken. They are weak and mangled. But I am promised a joy that seeks me through the darkness and brings brilliance to my scarred eyes. You know that song "I'll fly away"? What a precious picture of the restoration of our broken wings on this earth--we are broken creatures...but we won't die; we will live on in the presence of the Lord of the universe, and we will see the world mended. What right have I to wallow in my feelings of self-pity and neglect the promises that the Lord reveals to me every day of my life? No, I don't know what's to come, but the light of the gospel transcends what I think may be the end. The only end that is certain is the end of darkness.
And my wings will be free.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
broken beauty
We live in a beautiful, broken world.
The nation is broken, the organizations within it are broken, the church is broken, and the individuals are broken. Sometimes I just feel so useless because I don't know how to express my faith in real actions; or am I just a cop-out when it comes to truly standing up for my beliefs? Therefore, I'm denying my savior. I desire for the gospel to infiltrate my heart so much that it just bubbles out of me--and I need to spend more time in the Word and studying and knowing how to defend my faith. Honestly, because I am an English major, I have become pretty good at making eloquent generalities without really saying anything at all. But the gospel does not need sugar-coating: Jesus came to set me free from guilt and sin, and through him I can defeat that sting of sin--and death! And yet, just like Paul, I can never understand why I continue to do the things that I do. And even so, the Lord is in control.
Praise Him that the brokenness is being restored, and will one day be perfected.
And that is beautiful.
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