One Reason Why I Teach

December 20 2010

Dear Ms. Lind

Miss Lind you been supporting me ever since the first day of school. I am very happy that you doing this me cause you didn't had to do that for me. When I'm at my graduation, I promise I will call you up to the stage! I hope you be safe and have a wonderful New Year! Merry Christmas Ms. Lind!

I Love You!

Love,

Student Name

I received this today from a student in my Freshman Seminar class. This child is constantly picked on by his classmates, and he is in the specialized education program. I have been on the verge of tears the rest of the afternoon because of this. This year has been SO tough for me thus far, but this note reminded me why I do this. It reminded me that I get up every day because there are close to 100 students who come and sit in my desks everyday who are REAL people with real feelings and needs. Sometimes I think I just won't make it to the end of the day without my head exploding, but then I look around and see the hurt these kids face every day. It's in their eyes; it's in the way they fight against me until they realize there's something good to what I want them to learn and understand. Many of them are so difficult to deal with, but I love them so much. I want to fight for them, and to help them to feel valued and loved.

I am a teacher.
I will press on.

A Rediscovery

So, I found this post from last year, and I wanted to post it again because I've realized that sometimes I learn things, and then I seem to forget them so easily. So my own previous thoughts can once again inspire change in how I see the world as a believer...

"I must be a light there..."

If only a glimmer;
A slight sparkle to separate from the mass of harsh, black night.
Who am I to attempt to break the boundaries of cultural revolution?
(Those "boundaries" cover the hostile seclusion of individual needs.)

Indeed, a revolutionary -- I must be.
Love is the fruition; Light is the hope of the finality.
Each tiny flame gathers to the center
And creates enough light for a few others to catch a spark --
Then, they join the force.

How will they know if they are not told (or shown)?
How will you love if you have no hope in Light?
They say, "We must shine." I say, "If I do not, I am overcome by the darkness."

This little light will shine; even --
If only a glimmer.

AGL

(I will start a revolution of light -- loving one student at a time.
I am a teacher. I am a believer.)

On Writing (or forcing myself to do so)

I feel I have the imagination of a butterfly: so many colors surround me that could act as springboards for stories, yet my heart and mind flutter from one flower to another without stopping long enough to truly take in the matter at hand.

I want to write.

I so often have ideas for so many different things to write about, and then I let myself down and never follow through. What a better time in my life than this? I am a young teacher with free summers and nothing to tie me down: I'm not going back for my master's yet, I'm not dating anyone, and I'm free, free, free! Yet, I feel that when I try to make myself sit down, my mind clouds with things I think I should be filling my time with, and then I just end up wasting more time thinking about ridiculous things than ever truly going for it.

Fear. Perhaps fear is holding me back; but isn't that the excuse of anyone who desires to do anything? I've been absorbed in a book called The Faith of a Writer by Joyce Carol Oates. It's been a good book for me, because it's more of a semi-academic read, which is a refreshment from the books that I teach throughout the school year (which are great, but often overdone when I have to teach them 3+ times a day). I have also heard of a book called The Writing Life by Annie Dillard that I want to pick up soon. I am trying to drill some inspiration into my brain...and now I feel that the summer is too quickly passing!

Hopefully I will have some time to sit and let the river of words flow soon.

So, if anyone has any encouragement for me, please give it! I beg of you. Love!

Crafting Escapades

This evening, I visited a dear friend, Robyn.

When I arrived, I helped her make some yummy rice and spinach "cakes," which we thoroughly enjoyed.

Then, we set up shop in the living room to explore crafty new worlds.

I decided that sprucing up my purple pens would make grading more fun:
(Click any image to enlarge, oooh and aahhh)





(These pens can also be used for when students forget their own, and must be forced to borrow one from the crazy purple lady teacher.)

I think they're adorable. You?

Thoughts on Christmas from a Former Scrooge

I went into this semester thinking I could conquer the world. Now, some mornings, it's a fight to make myself get out of bed and into the classroom. In all honesty, there are times when I relentlessly question myself, "What am I doing here? Why? I am not doing a bit of good here..." And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

Every time someone asks me how my first-year teaching experience is going, I feel awful. I feel like I am going to burst into tears right there in front of them. And I try to explain how I feel, but I look into their eyes and realize that many of them don't want a real answer; they just want to ask me the "right catch-up questions" and get the "I'm fine" response that so often follows. But what about what's really in my heart? Am I just a scaredy cat? And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

Today is Christmas day, when I celebrate the birth of Jesus, who came to earth because I was helpless and worthless. And now, I have a hope that endures all. However, I spent most of the day thinking in my mind, "No! It's already Christmas day! This break is going by way too quickly, and soon I'll have to go back and face my classroom and feel SO helpless and worthless again and again."

And this brings me to think about individuals. There are real people who walk into my classroom every day just begging for attention. I want so badly to shower each one of them with all the love that is necessary, and I hate that there is only one of me to be able to do that, and unfortunately, that "love" has to come out in discipline. I want to teach them. But I don't know how to teach when I can barely get through a lesson without someone exploding. I see and hear of all of these amazing stories of teachers who changed the world of their students, but then I look at myself and see no fruit at all. Is that just completely selfish? I don't want to see the fruit in me; I want to see them changing and learning. I want them to see my love for them...but how is that translating? And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

So now I sit pondering. My family went and saw the movie Blindside this evening. I kinda thought it would just be another football movie, but I actually loved it. It made me think about my students ten times over; they have stories that would tear your heart apart, but I don't know how to make those things better for them. I don't want them to come to school hungry and then take out their hunger pains in anger toward me because I'm making them read. I don't want them to wonder why I tell them to do things for "their good" when they've never been able to trust adults before. I don't want them to have to choose to follow a cycle of wrong choices just because that is what has always been laid out for them from the start. How can we break free from the cycle of this chain that absolutely breaks my heart? How can I do anything more? I think about them all the time, and I don't want this to come out as bitterness anymore. They are not my enemies. But I have to help them learn that they must break free. They must know that they have to make their own choices; I can't do it for them. But I try this every day and it seems that nothing changes. Even when I just feel so helpless and worthless, all I can do is stay the course.

Love conquers all, and that is all I can leave with you.

Teaching Stories, part I

So I realize that I have not yet given any interesting stories from my first-year teaching experience, and if I do not release them, I will not remember them all! Some, I admit, are too personal for blog-world, but, my dears, I will reveal a few.

The first few weeks of school, I cried every other day or so, thinking I was a terrible teacher and I would never "reach" them and they would hate me forever. Yet slowly, I am seeing that my toughness on them has developed a little fruit.

For instance, I had a few students in particular who used to talk back/yell at/roll eyes/scream/(the list goes on), etc. at me every single day to exhaustion. Recently, those same students have been the ones who tell the rest of the class to "quiet down and listen to Ms. Lind she's trying to teach you something!" ...My eyes water and my jaw still drops every time.

One afternoon I asked my class to write a journal entry about someone who has influenced them, and one student wrote about her "dear Ms. Lind," who she thought might hate her because she does not speak English well, but the one she loves because the teacher always cares and helps her no matter what. Then there was the girl who almost broke my arm today because she wanted to run out of my classroom into the hall and attack the girl who was walking with her man. I slammed the door and told her to breathe, and she actually listened. There was not fight. If that had happened a week and a half ago, forget it.

OF course, I have had my awful days. The days when I burst into tears after the last backback has disappeared, and I force myself out of bed the next morning, promising myself it will get better.

But I have also had some great ones. The days I watch my strategic reading students REALLY working hard to get their questions answered so that they will get a purple smiley drawn on their paper instead of a frowny face that I draw when they do not complete their work, and the times when I see them truly looking at me in a way that I know means they understand and perhaps even enjoy the schoolwork. Even little things show me that they trust me--I mean, which teacher did you ask if you could leave your extra pair of shoes in the back of the room, the one you didn't want to see again at the end of the day? (I don't think so)

And so, right now, things are going pretty well. I am tired, but I am getting used to the way things roll. Sometimes I am still lonely, but I know it's okay.

Thus, I bid you goodnight.

I finished six weeks as a fo' sho' teacher!

I know, I haven't written in oodles of time, but seriously, this job is so much more than you could ever imagine until you're IN it...I feel like it's a 24/7 shift...I can't even sleep without dreaming about being in the classroom!

I have indeed survived the first six weeks of school in my own classroom--and what a roller coaster it has been! I don't even know how to describe the emotions I've experienced thus far in the semester.

I am in love with what I'm doing. I have to be; if I were not, I would have called it quit a month ago. Because it's hard, hard, hard. But I go in everyday, and I say, "Love them." I have that phrase written on a sticky note below my podium. Some days, a verse from my mini New Testament in my desk or a familiar hymn are the only things that get me through half the day when I just don't know if I'll be able to handle it all.

Some days, I have shed tears during my planning block or after school; others, I am skipping and doing cartwheels in the halls when the day is done. I take every day as it comes, because that is what I must do. I have students who I think may take me over the edge, but somehow, I find ways to speak to them, and it's a constant battle--but I am willing to fight for them--because I do love them (not fight with them, mind you, but for them).

I don't ever want to hear anyone say that teachers have it "easy" because they only work till 3 and get summers off. LIES! I have worked 12 hour days AT school, only to go home and still have some grading or planning to do. I know I am a perfectionist, and that is something I am trying to work on in dividing my time, but this job is craziness! I get up around 5:45, get to work an hour early, and then stay later than most in the parking lot until I give up and pack my work to finish at home after 4 or so.

Maybe the reason I do this at times is because I know I get lonely here. I am in a place where--well, there's not much, really. I don't really have a community here right now that is building me up in the Lord on a personal and daily level; I am on my own and figuring out what it is to "be a grownup" and WOAH it's just hard some days. I am blessed to have a job, and I enjoy the people there, but I also know that I'm always wanting something else. In time. I will wait upon the Lord, oh my soul.

I've been reading through Romans, and it seems like everyday I see exactly what I need in those verses. Paul's right on target with my wandering heart. I pray I will run with endurance the race that is marked for me and see my future HOPE instead of focusing on my daily "getting to tomorrow." I know that Christ is my all; I must live that.

I am going home to visit my family this Friday, which I am excited about. I am ready to gain comfort and encouragement there.

Mostly, I still can't believe that I'm actually doing this. Everyday. I am seriously in charge of 50 teenagers and their ever-molding minds! Why am I there? Because I do love them. Sometimes, that's easy to forget. But I have a savior who loves me no matter what, and that is my ever-true-and-never-failing hope.

A Teachable Moment

I am going to post a great big fat "My first few weeks as a real teacher" entry as soon as I can, but I just have not been able to get around to that yet. Thus, I am copying an essay that I wrote for my Strategic Reading classes as an example of something they are working on for a project...they are supposed to write Compare/Contrast essays on how they see themselves v. how others see them, and I told them I would never give them an assignment that I would not be willing to do myself, and they needed some clarification. Thus, I like the way it turned out, and I will share:

A. Lind
September 9, 2009
Strategic Reading 1st/2nd Block
NCSCS Objectives: 1.01, 6.01, 6.02
Compare and Contrast Essay: “I See Inside Myself; You See My Mirror”

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted to be called; my name was always Abigail, and always will be Abigail. I do not go by Abby; that’s not my name and I will never allow anyone to pretend that it is. Abigail means “Source of Joy,” and that name means a lot to me, so I strive to live that out, but I often wonder if other people see me as I see myself.

The way that I see myself is based upon the situations that have occurred in my life thus far. I believe that I am intelligent because I always worked hard in school, and now I am a teacher. I also see myself as very outgoing because I usually make friends easily and I can entertain a crowd by telling a quick-witted story (which could also be due to my background in theater and gymnastics). Furthermore, I think that my best characteristic is my ability to laugh in any situation, and the fact that I have a very unusual laugh only adds to the joy that I hope it brings to the people around me. I was voted “most humorous” by my class when I was a senior in High School, so this ability has been revealed to me on multiple occasions. Thus, the way I see myself is sometimes the same but sometimes different from the way that others see me.

When other people look at me, they see a young woman who is small in stature but loud in voice. I think that my laugh is often the first thing that many people notice about me, so in that regard, others can see the joy that I know I have within me. However, there are many things about me that other people do not know. I often get sidetracked into believing that I am not smart enough or not good enough at certain things, which I think is something that many people struggle with but are not willing to admit. People look at me and assume things that may never be true, but how will they ever know until they truly form a relationship with me? I desire that everyone gets to know me as I attempt to know them, because relationships are difficult as people are difficult to understand. When I look in the mirror I know what’s beyond the face, but do other people have any idea? If we all make efforts to dig deeper, maybe we will all find out more about each other that we never knew existed, and that is what brings joy to my heart.

That's all for now, folks.

I have a Title.

Today is a day that I will never forget! I have been waiting in anxious anticipation for it, and quite honestly just wanted to get it over with because I had no clue what would hit me in the face today!

I had what I thought would be my "final interview" at Triton this morning, so when I (A) walked in, I am greeted by the principal (P) saying, "Are you ready to get started?" Let me just give you the conversation. The stuff in parenthesis is what my brain was saying inside my head:

P: Are you ready to get started?
A:(Started? What am I supposed to begin if I have no idea what it is?) Yeah, definitely!
P: Well, do you have any questions for me right now?
A: (Questions about what? Like "do I have the job?") I think the main thing would be I would just like to know what I'll be doing next so that I can get started on planning and everything! (Double meaning: either where I'll be school-wise or where I could be within THIS school-wise)
P: Alright, well I have you down for Freshman Seminar in the Fall for 3 blocks and then 4th block planning; then in the Spring you'll have planning 1st and 2 regular and 1 Honors English I.
A: Oh, wow! That sounds great! (Do I look super surprised or is this ridiculous grin just giving away my professionalism?)
P: Wonderful. So, I will send in for your contract and we'll be on our way! New teacher orientation will begin August eleventh and last three days, then the rest of the teachers come back the 17th. School starts the next week. Any other questions?
A: Do you have the curriculum for me to look over before the school year starts? (Wait, he didn't say "You're hired," but I'm pretty sure he just hired me. My name is on all of his charts. I'm an English teacher--it's official!!!)
P: Yes, I will walk you over to the lady who has those and she can make you some copies. Great to see you again!

And that was it. I had my job in my pocket (the whole time, it seems, doesn't it?). The crazy thing is, my summer was so forlorn at times and I felt as though nothing was going to come together for me at all. I had finally come to the point where I realized that if I didn't get a teaching position, I would have to be okay doing something else for a while, and things would work out in time. Many of my friends still do not have jobs, and I feel very honored to have this opportunity. It's all so surreal! I can't believe it happened in one day!

So here's what I think about this whole situation: if it were an easy summer and I had known the whole time that I had it in the bag and I didn't have to strive for my goal and search everywhere that I could for a position and be rejected a few times (all the while working at Food Lion which is just indescribable how much it makes me yearn to feel purpose in my work), I would not have appreciated this as much as I truly do right now. This job is a gift. My "birthday wish" ten days ago was to get a job. But on top of that silliness, I cried and prayed many a day and night this summer in expectation of what would occur in the end. I wanted to bring glory to the Lord in whatever work I ended up doing, and I didn't want to give up on what I thought he had gifted me in doing. So I pressed on.

This morning before my interview, I read a little in Isaiah when he says, "Here am I! send me" (6:8), and then I happened across 1 Corinthians 15:58, "Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." These verses were a perfect reminder of His grace in my life. I started my day saying "Lord, I'm yours. I do not know what's coming, but send me to do what you will have for me. My work thus far has been hard hard hard, but I will work for you. If it be teaching or something else, put me where you will." I'm not saying that the Lord will give you whatever you want on a given day, but if we realize that His grace is sufficient for each day, we also know that "sufficient for the day is its own trouble," (Mt. 6:34)and the Lord cares for His beloved. Not that I am in any way deserving of that, but because He is love, he loves me. I do not love, or serve, or teach, or do [anything] without Him. [Yes, I am screaming and singing halleloo, and you can too!]

So, I acquired my job and set off for home. I drove all the way down 421 to the exit to 40/85 and heard this strange noise. A car pulled up beside me and the driver started motioning to my back tire and mouthing, "IT's FLAT! YOUR TIRE!" So I pulled over. The car stopped a bit in front of me and a guy walked up with a bottle of air in a can or something crazy and pumped it up for me. He said the tire looked fine, I just needed to get the valve fixed. Wheew! I just had a flat not too long ago at the end of last semester, and now here's another! Well, I started driving again and realized that poof my jankety jank tire was down again, so I called home and sent Dad to the rescue. What a crazy end to a perfect day! I was feeling so good about myself, and then I sat in a hot car all sweaty in my pretty blouse and skirt till Dad came and helped me put the little donut on my back left wheel and we drove home.

When I arrived home, I walked into the living room to find streamers and a big "Congratulations Teacher Ab!" sign in yellow. Mom made a chocolate cake with chocolate icing (my favorite food, by the way!) and we all celebrated--complete with mint choc chip ice cream!

The next couple of weeks will be crazy--next week will be my final week at Food Lion, and then the first week of August my family is going down to AL/FL to visit "the cousins" (yay!). I will need to move to Harnett County that next weekend, because I start the 11th! That's less than 3 weeks away!

And thus, I have a title. I am officially an English Teacher at Triton High School. Go Hawks!

The job search ensues (and other news)...

This morning, I had an interview at Western Harnett High School (in the boonies of Lillington, NC). Last night I could not sleep at all...I got so nervous for some reason! I don't know why, but this one just seemed really imperative to me and I kept thinking about all the questions and how I might respond honestly, clearly, and intelligently to each one. I wore my new black and white birthday skirt (which mom let me use even though my birthday is next week), my new turquoise ring from Cherokee, and my pearl necklace. Everything felt exactly right for me to walk in there and show them my love of teaching (but more so the students). When I arrived, I was greeted in the little board room by the principal, and assistant principal, and the chairlady of the English department. The interview went quite well, I must say. I felt very confident and comfortable with them, and I enjoyed gleaning from their insight as well as sharing some of my own experiences thus far. My roomie from Campbell's mom teaches there, so I was able to do a little name-dropping as well, which I was fo'sho' gonna do!

Last week, I interviewed with Dudley High in Greensboro, and at Wesleyan, where I went to High School. Both of those went okay, but I didn't hear anything back from either school, so I am assuming I didn't strike their fancy. But I am okay with that, because anywhere that I do not get a job offer is a door that the Lord is closing so that he will put me in the place exactly fit for me. I want my first year of teaching to be a great experience where I can learn and grow and really settle down and enjoy what I am doing. I want to be organized and involved in every way that I can without drowning...and that is exactly what I intend to do!

I am a teacher. I know in my little heart that if I were not a teacher deep down inside, then I would have no desire to teach; I would throw it all behind me and look for the quickest way outta this profession. But I simply cannot do that. There are days when it is and will be the longest and most frustrating job that I will ever encounter, but there are also moments when I will see the look in my students' eyes and understand why the Lord has placed me in this position. Yes, I will teach literature, but I will also teach applicable lessons about life. I will love my students even when they hate me. I have been reading The Freedom Writers Diary, and it's been very encouraging to see the way one teacher impacted her students' lives to spur on change in their community. I am learning from the way that she challenged each student individually and encouraged them to learn because she believed that they could. I will not give up on my students; I will expect the best from them, because I know that they can and will succeed.

Other than that, I went camping in the Smoky Mtns. this past weekend with my family and it was great! We hiked up to Mt. Laconte, an 11 mile round trip! My legs hated me, and I realized that chacos are not meant to take the place of hiking boots but I wore them anyway :o) I didn't shower for 4 days, and I enjoyed the beauty of creation.

And so, I look forward to what's coming in my life. I have no idea what the next moment brings, but I trust in the faithfulness of my savior. I will not get caught in moments of fear when I think I will be stuck at food lion forever. I will believe that the Lord's provision is sufficient for each day. And I will glorify and thank him for his mercy and grace that lasts beyond what my mind can comprehend.

To Him be the glory forever! Amen.

Miss...uh...Lynn?

Well, student teaching is coming to a close almost! I have officially finished more than enough teaching hours (142 out of 125 to be exact), and I will still teach a few more days before the semester closes, I'm sure. Honestly, the whole deal has been a lot less stressful than I thought it would be. I only had one full breakdown day, and it was near the beginning when I had just started Romeo and Juliet and I just freaked out and stopped breathing for a little bit, cried my eyes out, and talked to people I knew would help me. They encouraged me and brought me back to where I knew I should be: knowing that I am capable and completely ready to teach.

Yes, I have complained about my situation...more so at the beginning because I was still very unsure of what I was doing and decided to put blame on situations and innocent people rather than myself, I admit. But the more comfortable I became with my students and the school, the less I worried about thinking too hard; I just DID it. I can't even explain how, it just came to me. I love teaching, there can be no denying it.

The thing I love the most about teaching is interacting with my students. They have really become my own; and I truly love each one of them. Sometimes they grate my nerves and make me call them down, but that's a necessary part of growing and learning. I know that the education system is messed up and politics are flying everywhere and there's no money in the economy for education, so we're going to send future generations down the drain (ok, so I'm being a little harsh, but it irks me). I have heard it all. But I also know that I am willing to work hard to be a great teacher. I know I can teach students who think that they can't do anything; because I know that they can. It's frustrating when they write essays like they are texting, but those are boundaries I am going to have to break.

Ok, so you're wondering about the title. I have learned every single student's name...that's about 70, okay? And my name is written clearly on the whiteboard next to the date every day. Yet these precious lambs still cannot remember my name. "Miss, I have a question...Miss..." "Miss Lynnn? Wheaare are yOu frommm?" "High Point." "Aoohhh. I knew you weren't from 'round down hearr." Precious lambs? Yes, indeed.

One of my favorite things is to start the class off by singing in opera, "The bell has rung!" It's super fun and makes them think I'm crazy. I love that.

Everybody knows it hurts to grow up...

On campus--
During Spring break.
Barely anyone around.
And I,
I wake up before the sun--
And emerge as it does,
Greeting the world,
But thinking I am too young to be in this role.

I don't know why I felt the need to write that "poetically," but I did. I think a lot of things are hitting me today. Especially because I'm here on campus with no one else around because I sort of have a real job (minus the huge paychecks that come with the teaching profession). And because I'm going to begin teaching tomorrow fulltime, and it's going to be longer than I thought, as the words from my cooperating teacher today hit me with an internal freakout: "I don't have any more lesson planning to do now that you're taking over!" (When another teacher asked her if she wanted an activity sheet for later in the semester) MEANING: Miss Lind has to come up with lesson plans beyond the ones she's been brooding over for this Romeo and Juliet mere 2 week unit....

Then I did some math. For me to get my 125 teaching hours in, I must teach for 3 full weeks beyond these 2 for Shakespeare. So, it looks like I'm going to teach for 5 straight weeks starting tomorrow. I don't know why this never hit me before, but it just didn't. So now I'm kinda going insane inside a little bit. But ok it makes perfect sense, this is "student teaching," and in the Fall, I will be "for real teaching" everyday, not just when I've decided that I'm ready and someone else can take over when I don't feel like getting in front of a classroom of 25 giggling, squirming, or sleeping 9th graders.

AND! If I teach for these 5 weeks straight, I will be DONE with my teaching before my Spring break (the week after Easter)! Which means I will be able to relax and really work on putting together my portfolio after my break.

So, there are ups and downs, but this is life. I just can't believe I'm already here. I've worked my little Abigail fanny off for 3 and a half years to make it to this point, but I never thought it would come--it was always this faraway dream caught in a cloud that I couldn't truly see. And now it's here in reality. But I still can't grasp that it's happening to me right now!

Ok enough of the craziness, just had to type it all out.
I hate being here alone all week! Yesterday, I ate lunch and dinner in Marshbanks by myself and I had fun conversations in my head -- which could mean I'm crazy or I could make a good writer.

Pray for my heart's peace.
Abs

The Revolution

"I must be a light there..."

If only a glimmer;
A slight sparkle to separate from the mass of harsh, black night.
Who am I to attempt to break the boundaries of cultural revolution?
(Those "boundaries" cover the hostile seclusion of individual needs.)

Indeed, a revolutionary -- I must be.
Love is the fruition; Light is the hope of the finality.
Each tiny flame gathers to the center
And creates enough light for a few others to catch a spark --
Then, they join the force.

How will they know if they are not told (or shown)?
How will you love if you have no hope in Light?
They say, "We must shine." I say, "If I do not, I am overcome by the darkness."

This little light will shine; even --
If only a glimmer.

AGL

I Finished another full day of teaching, and my thoughts have run rampant throughout this process. "Why am I here/ What am I doing?/ Internal screaming!" AND "Wow, that made this whole day worth it." What is a revolution? It does not have to necessitate a negative connotation.
I will start a revolution of light -- loving one student at a time.
I am a teacher. I am a believer.

The Teacher "Look"

It's a cold stare that means business.
It's the narrowing of the eyes and the hand on the hip.
It's the dead silence that can be cut with a knife.
It's...the teacher "look."

Well, I taught my first full day of school yesterday, and the comments from Mrs. C. were, "I have nothing to tell you to improve upon...the only thing for you to think about is time management, and it's just something you'll gain with practice." "You are a natural, there's nothing more I can say."

Wow, what a relief. So, I have appeased the master -- but, I think that's what I did -- I taught like her. So I have decided I'm slowly going to kick up my feet and start bringing in some new ideas. If I have already proven that I have the ability to teach well, then I can prove that I can teach well with a variety of activities, too. And most of all, I've proven to myself that I love doing this, no matter how hard it is at certain times. I've always heard teaching is a gift, and I've unwrapped it and tried it on; and well, it fits! And that's so exciting for me. I know I do and will complain, but I know that I still love it. Because I love those students, and I am willing to give, give, give...no matter the long hours of preparation, the drooping eyes in the classroom (because just a few "I get it!" looks are worthwhile), the incessant chattering that I hush by my witty remarks ("Just because I walked to another part of the room does not mean I've disappeared!"), or the fights in the hallways that will never cease. They need someone to give them love, because it may not come from anywhere else.

So, I'm perfecting my "I-mean-business" look that covers the look that cares more than they know. Draining, yes. Worth it, yes.

This semester is going to seem long but short all at the same time. I want to spend time with people but it's so hard to balance my "bedtime" and lesson planning with truly knowing and loving those around me. So, "time management" needs to smack me in the face in all realms of living. Why is it that sometimes you don't see something big until it seems almost too late? Am I running out of time, or do we really have all the time in the world?

Love never fails.
Abigail

Why be a teacher? You're Crazy!

I have been feeling quite weary recently...there is a lot on my mind. First of all, I can't believe that I will be graduating college in 96 days, but mostly it's everything that comes with that fact. "Growing up" has never felt so real...bc it has hit me in the face and it hurts. ow.

I met my cooperating teacher at Triton High last week, and I am very excited to be student teaching one honors and two regular English I classes this semester. I want to teach because I have a passion for it. There is no explanation as to why I would be crazy enough in anyone else's mind...but that's ok, I'm crazy. But to be a teacher, you have to LOVE teaching, or else you will go insane. I want to reach my students and know them individually so that they can learn more than the basics of my "content area." The classroom can be an environment of so much more than just "learning the material." And as much as I complain about my ed classes, I realize that I've learned ideas in there that go beyond what I need to know about English. I love English, but I also must love what I'm doing with it, and that is truly loving my students. What an opportunity for ministry.

So, I have my foundation. I know that I am going to be a teacher, and that I am a hard worker. I am organized; and a perfectionist, which sometimes takes up way too much of my time. But I'm proud of the work that I do, because I know that I can accomplish things I set my mind to. And I desire to be the best teacher that I can be. But I just don't know where I'm going next....I hate not seeing what's right ahead. On one hand, there are so many opportunities and choices and that's exciting--I get to start again, anew, and really "grow up"! On the other hand, I can't make any set plans because I have no idea where I'm going to get a job. That's very scary to me...but I also know that the Lord is good, and he will never leave me. So I pray. That's all that I can do, and all that I should do. I do the work set before me right now, and take the world as it comes.

Hope is clear.

Ramblings of a Future English Teacher

I find it interesting that I'm writing again in a wee morning hour--but it simply goes to prove that these are the only moments I have to myself--to get away and think, to take a break from the loads of work I know I need to be accomplishing. But what is the line between truly working my hardest and killing myself for something almost unobtainable--in sacrifice of genuine friendships? This, my loves, bears a dilemma. I truly thought I could find some sort of balance between school work and fulfilling my social persona, but then I realize I'm lacking sleep and building tension all the while. And that comes down to the beginnings of procrastination and lack of wisdom in planning my not-so-abundant amounts of time each day.

Dad told me a week or so ago to memorize the Serenity Prayer:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Fortunately, I have it up on my wall next to my desk, and my eyes glance on it (or perhaps right through it) on an almost daily basis. But do the things I know I must realize truly penetrate the workings of my mind?

Anyway, I did indeed begin teaching practicum last Wednesday. And the 9.5029803 (or whatever) hours I've spent so far in Mrs. Bailey's English II classes have been wonderful. I can't say exactly that I feel I've been prepared by the Education department of Campbell, but I can say that for some reason, the Lord has led me here. And when I was finally able to gather a small group of 10th grade students and discuss a few chapters in a novel the other day, it all clicked. I thought to myself, "I can actually do this. All this time I could do nothing but doubt myself, my abilities, degrade my intelligence...and this is...the culmination of everything I've been working towards..." And...to be vainfully honest, I think I'm gonna be dang good at it. And so I strive on...in learning, in studying, lesson planning, papering...this is the life of a future English teacher. Even if most of her students are taller than her.

Sorry that my writing is so stream-of-consciousness. But then again, so is my brain, so it only makes sense.

I simply feel I am still missing something. Perhaps I feel a longing for someone to share everything with. I'm not looking for a sappy response or a feeling of sorrow, I just desire for someone to truly know me. And for that not to scare anyone. I want to grow up, but I don't know how. And yet, I want to stay locked in the corners of the bookstore in my mind: all these stories I've studied, all these tears I've cried empathizing for others...where is my love story? As for me now, it's on hold, for I will "not stir up or awaken love until it pleases" (Song of Sol. 2:7, 3:5, 8:4). Why do I feel so far removed from what I thought everything would be when I was twenty-one years old? But I'm not old. And I'm full of life.