A Rediscovery

So, I found this post from last year, and I wanted to post it again because I've realized that sometimes I learn things, and then I seem to forget them so easily. So my own previous thoughts can once again inspire change in how I see the world as a believer...

"I must be a light there..."

If only a glimmer;
A slight sparkle to separate from the mass of harsh, black night.
Who am I to attempt to break the boundaries of cultural revolution?
(Those "boundaries" cover the hostile seclusion of individual needs.)

Indeed, a revolutionary -- I must be.
Love is the fruition; Light is the hope of the finality.
Each tiny flame gathers to the center
And creates enough light for a few others to catch a spark --
Then, they join the force.

How will they know if they are not told (or shown)?
How will you love if you have no hope in Light?
They say, "We must shine." I say, "If I do not, I am overcome by the darkness."

This little light will shine; even --
If only a glimmer.

AGL

(I will start a revolution of light -- loving one student at a time.
I am a teacher. I am a believer.)

My Heart's Wanderings

Recently, I have had to pray for my soul to be still. I have seen so much brokenness and sorrow this year. I simply can't explain how much I have learned through the stories of my students and through the experiences I've had lately.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Ji-Hwan (John) Kim: 1987-2010

John was a very dear friend my first two years at Campbell. He was in the cast of the two musicals (Seussical and The Boyfriend) and the play (The Increased Difficulty of Concentration) that I performed in at CU. We went to Spring Formal together as well.

He was such an encouragement. He is one of those people who could just be friends with anyone, and I had the privilege of calling him "friend."

We always had a joke that we took too many pictures together, but now I cherish these memories. We were just buddies, and were together all the time; he was my brother. Our personalities just clicked so well, and we had so much fun together!

After he transferred to a different college in Maryland, we did not keep in touch as much as I wish we could have, but the Lord brings different people into your life perhaps at the time when you really need them. I am thankful for the memories that I have to think fondly on him, and the joy that he brought to my life.

I truly wish I could have been able to say goodbye, but I know that John was a believer and is with the Lord. So, here is my farewell to him.

I have learned a lot through finding out that John passed away of a heart attack recently. My heart couldn't believe it at first, but it has slowly hit me, and I have since released a lot of emotion about the whole situation. I have realized that I am such an externally emotive person; I cannot deal with things in my own mind until I let them out aloud. I was literally making myself sick a few days after I found out because I had not really talked to anyone about how I felt. I couldn't figure out why I felt light-headed and was just hurting inside until I talked about it to a few close friends. Yes, I miss him, and I just can't understand how it all happened, and I don't know how to gain an understanding of the situation, but I know that my hope is in the Lord and he is sovereign. The despair is covered by the grace of the Lord, who understands my sorrow and heals my tear-stained cheeks.

I wrote these the day after I found out about his death:

#1
A broken World;
A fleeting life.
He marks the steps of men
Whether they be long,
Or short.
All we know and have is substance --
If we cannot
Touch
Taste
Smell
Hear
See --
It is not in Existence.
Sovereignty reaches beyond
The grasp of man.

#2
They said these times of turmoil
Soon would pass along;
They said my tears would
Die away;
They said, "I hurt for you."
I do no know my heart right now;
Its clouding covers clarity.
These memories of you --
So clear, so calm, yet far --
The times
We laughed,
We danced,
We smiled,
Yet -- the question stands:
"Where are you?"
(I must say farewell, and hope.)

It seems there are many other things looming in my mind as well, but I really wanted to release all of this so that my heart could see it and accept it. This summer is already flying by, and I am going to be 23 in a little over a week. Growing up is such a crazy thing, I've come to find. I feel like I still face the same things that I did 10 years ago, but hopefully I have a new approach. This is life.

And so, my soul, be still.

A Sonnet

I've always wanted to write a sonnet, so during 4th block today, I did (although I think it sounds like a country song, it's my first attempt, and don't laugh at me, this is real life, yo.)

Sonnet # 1

What if I told you I have fallen --
Would you leave me there alone?
When these lonely thoughts come callin',
I'm left shivering to the bone.

One night you hugged me tightly;
The next you forgot my existence --
Should I take these phonecalls lightly
Or ask my heart to feign resistance?

Can I forget the laughs we shared,
Or the times we spent conversing?
You became the one for whom I cared
But to you, I was a thought reversing.

"Just friends," those words I hate to hear;
They're posted on my face, I fear.

The Revolution

"I must be a light there..."

If only a glimmer;
A slight sparkle to separate from the mass of harsh, black night.
Who am I to attempt to break the boundaries of cultural revolution?
(Those "boundaries" cover the hostile seclusion of individual needs.)

Indeed, a revolutionary -- I must be.
Love is the fruition; Light is the hope of the finality.
Each tiny flame gathers to the center
And creates enough light for a few others to catch a spark --
Then, they join the force.

How will they know if they are not told (or shown)?
How will you love if you have no hope in Light?
They say, "We must shine." I say, "If I do not, I am overcome by the darkness."

This little light will shine; even --
If only a glimmer.

AGL

I Finished another full day of teaching, and my thoughts have run rampant throughout this process. "Why am I here/ What am I doing?/ Internal screaming!" AND "Wow, that made this whole day worth it." What is a revolution? It does not have to necessitate a negative connotation.
I will start a revolution of light -- loving one student at a time.
I am a teacher. I am a believer.

The Wings We Bear

She falls into the night.
The broken wings have lost their stamina--
To press on is impossible
The end,
Inevitable.

Lying on the cold earth
Her eyes sink into the darkness
With nothing to surround her--
Nothing to maintain warmth.
The end,
Inevitable.

Noises besiege her timid presence.
She darts her weak eyes
Yet her body remains motionless--
And stricken with pain.
The end,
Inevitable.

Morning breaks.
Light seems a stranger to her
One so unfamiliar
And yet so personal--
The end,
Withers.

The crooked wings by her sides
Gain strength
In the radiance of hope--
She knows not the now, but
The end,
Diminished.

I am so often caught in what I see before me--because sometimes I seem to see nothing at all. I look around and I am captured by the lies that the world flings at me. Yes; my wings are broken. They are weak and mangled. But I am promised a joy that seeks me through the darkness and brings brilliance to my scarred eyes. You know that song "I'll fly away"? What a precious picture of the restoration of our broken wings on this earth--we are broken creatures...but we won't die; we will live on in the presence of the Lord of the universe, and we will see the world mended. What right have I to wallow in my feelings of self-pity and neglect the promises that the Lord reveals to me every day of my life? No, I don't know what's to come, but the light of the gospel transcends what I think may be the end. The only end that is certain is the end of darkness.

And my wings will be free.

Tension and Renewal

Trees blooming on a Spring day.
The watch still ticks--
She thinks she knows herself
He loves but she desires selfish gain.

The struggle
Ensues.

Night falls as the crickets emerge.
The moon tells time now--
He lets her go
She waits but he doesn't come.

The passion
Is gone.

The morning arrives and the crisp air bites.
Time passes with the footsteps--
She will return
He cannot return the initial butterflies and yet he loves.

The delight
Begins.

An afternoon like any other.
But the clock stands still--
She is captured
He does not show but he is.

The finality
Reawakens.

Ideals crushed. Hope disjointed.

And then I realize--
I am just like them.

(A response to Eudora Welty's novel, Delta Wedding.)

Bethany

A compact young girl

Deathly afraid of storms

Hiding under the covers

Shivering

Shying away from the reality

Of the lightning outside the windowpane.

The older sister

Sweet, empathetic to the little one’s cries

Cuddles up next to her

Makes her vulnerable to the storm

By removing the blanket from her face.

Holds her hand up to the window

In the darkness

Fingers outspread

“Hold your hand out next to mine.”

The younger one, slowly,

Relents.

Two hands held out in the

Black night

Suddenly light up –

Revealing the two.

The younger one looks to her sister,

Noticing the outline of the face –

The one she so fully admires.

Fear diminished.

“See? Even in the storm, there are lights

In the darkness. You’re safe with me.”

You have been my light in the darkness.

A Voiceless Song

Through time –
All voices
Try to sing a song that can’t be captured
In words
Or melody.

A song that requires more than
Spraying perfume on a foul odor
Or putting a shiny finish on a car
That won’t run.

It is released –
Sung –
Sighed –
On those dark nights when all seems
Dis
joint
ed.
Left alone under the stars
As the cars whirl by –
Like a girl hidden under thick glasses
As she gazes on the dance floor
Filled with what she deems joy.
Alone.
But this song reveals itself in the tears that
No one sees.

Through time –
All voices
Learn the proper control
Of the inexpressible song.
And no one will admit its weight.
Can it ever be put to a tune?