Current thoughts:
Dear NC legislature:
Stop cutting teacher jobs and teacher pay. If you diminish advances in education, you automatically impoverish our future.
Not much love,
Abigail
Ok, so I am not thinking this just because I need a teaching job. However, I'm tired of the fact that all I hear from principals is, "We would love to have you, but I don't know if I can hire anyone because I'm waiting to hear from the county..." I just can't help but realize that cutting education is a huge mistake in the long run. It CAN'T happen. That's all there is to it. Making classes larger and getting rid of teachers makes less time for individual learning, and neglects many students who will fall to the wayside just because they are not vocal enough to demand attention they need. It hurts my heart. Of course I'm worried that I will not get a job...for some reason, I'm pretty sure I will...maybe because I'm prideful and I know that I'm way too awesome for them to turn me down, but I'm just so frustrated.
I'm not even that excited about graduating because I'm so nervous about what's coming next. I don't know where I'm going to be next year, how I'm going to figure out where to live/who to live with/furniture to buy/etc... so I can't even enjoy what's going on right now. Plus, I am trying to find some little summer job near high point to keep me afloat until I do get a real "big girl" job in the Fall. I just never expected for things to be like this...all I heard about coming into education was the "teacher shortage, especially in High School," so it just doesn't make any sense to me.
Ok, I will stop now. I know that the Lord has a plan, it's just very hard to see myself surrounded by a cloud of confusion.
Oh, the wonder of life!
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Blessed Assurance
Sometimes I make these big plans for myself...and then they all come crashing down.
Which brings me to my knees, as well.
Ouch, sometimes I hit my face.
So I found out that I did not get the RD job at Campbell for next year...and I am still uncertain as to where I will get a teaching job. Triton still looks pretty promising, but no guarantees there either. Pooie, it looks like I'm going to have to grow up a little faster than I thought I would have to. Blah I just get so selfish and frustrated inside when my awesome "plans" don't work out the way I thought they should.
I really wanted to be an RD and get to know some more young girls coming into college and have an influence and blahdee blah...but then again, I know I will be able to focus on my students 100% my first year of teaching. YET, I will have to find a place to live (and get a job), and will not be able to save as much money as I had hoped during my first few years of teaching. I just wanna save up money and go to grad school and learn about Southern Literature and perhaps get a TA position at State or something. With my 3.9 GPA, it's a possibility; but I would like to take off time from teaching to focus on that at some point too, which is hard to do without any funds to support myself.
Another thought: why is it that people who are getting married can have people "shower" them with gifts and go to Target and pick out anything in the store and people go buy it for them, but people who are single and need to start a new life would be considered completely rude and weird to have a gift registry for things they need? I don't really have the money to buy things I need like towels and kitchen supplies for an apartment, but since I'm single and not getting married anywhere in the near future, I don't get a party thrown for me? Yes, singleness in itself is a gift...but getting married has its gifty perks! Oh, the irony. Haha! (Ok ok I'm done with that outbursting ramble!)
In the end, I am reminded of the old tune "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine..." And that is the only assurance that is completely certain and unfading. My plans fail. Always. His plans are sovereign, and I trust him. He will secure my needs. Hallelloo...if I trusted myself, I'd be in a very dark place, I'm sure..
"Everybody knows it hurts to grow up..." [Ben Folds]
Which brings me to my knees, as well.
Ouch, sometimes I hit my face.
So I found out that I did not get the RD job at Campbell for next year...and I am still uncertain as to where I will get a teaching job. Triton still looks pretty promising, but no guarantees there either. Pooie, it looks like I'm going to have to grow up a little faster than I thought I would have to. Blah I just get so selfish and frustrated inside when my awesome "plans" don't work out the way I thought they should.
I really wanted to be an RD and get to know some more young girls coming into college and have an influence and blahdee blah...but then again, I know I will be able to focus on my students 100% my first year of teaching. YET, I will have to find a place to live (and get a job), and will not be able to save as much money as I had hoped during my first few years of teaching. I just wanna save up money and go to grad school and learn about Southern Literature and perhaps get a TA position at State or something. With my 3.9 GPA, it's a possibility; but I would like to take off time from teaching to focus on that at some point too, which is hard to do without any funds to support myself.
Another thought: why is it that people who are getting married can have people "shower" them with gifts and go to Target and pick out anything in the store and people go buy it for them, but people who are single and need to start a new life would be considered completely rude and weird to have a gift registry for things they need? I don't really have the money to buy things I need like towels and kitchen supplies for an apartment, but since I'm single and not getting married anywhere in the near future, I don't get a party thrown for me? Yes, singleness in itself is a gift...but getting married has its gifty perks! Oh, the irony. Haha! (Ok ok I'm done with that outbursting ramble!)
In the end, I am reminded of the old tune "Blessed assurance, Jesus is mine..." And that is the only assurance that is completely certain and unfading. My plans fail. Always. His plans are sovereign, and I trust him. He will secure my needs. Hallelloo...if I trusted myself, I'd be in a very dark place, I'm sure..
"Everybody knows it hurts to grow up..." [Ben Folds]
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Miss...uh...Lynn?
Well, student teaching is coming to a close almost! I have officially finished more than enough teaching hours (142 out of 125 to be exact), and I will still teach a few more days before the semester closes, I'm sure. Honestly, the whole deal has been a lot less stressful than I thought it would be. I only had one full breakdown day, and it was near the beginning when I had just started Romeo and Juliet and I just freaked out and stopped breathing for a little bit, cried my eyes out, and talked to people I knew would help me. They encouraged me and brought me back to where I knew I should be: knowing that I am capable and completely ready to teach.
Yes, I have complained about my situation...more so at the beginning because I was still very unsure of what I was doing and decided to put blame on situations and innocent people rather than myself, I admit. But the more comfortable I became with my students and the school, the less I worried about thinking too hard; I just DID it. I can't even explain how, it just came to me. I love teaching, there can be no denying it.
The thing I love the most about teaching is interacting with my students. They have really become my own; and I truly love each one of them. Sometimes they grate my nerves and make me call them down, but that's a necessary part of growing and learning. I know that the education system is messed up and politics are flying everywhere and there's no money in the economy for education, so we're going to send future generations down the drain (ok, so I'm being a little harsh, but it irks me). I have heard it all. But I also know that I am willing to work hard to be a great teacher. I know I can teach students who think that they can't do anything; because I know that they can. It's frustrating when they write essays like they are texting, but those are boundaries I am going to have to break.
Ok, so you're wondering about the title. I have learned every single student's name...that's about 70, okay? And my name is written clearly on the whiteboard next to the date every day. Yet these precious lambs still cannot remember my name. "Miss, I have a question...Miss..." "Miss Lynnn? Wheaare are yOu frommm?" "High Point." "Aoohhh. I knew you weren't from 'round down hearr." Precious lambs? Yes, indeed.
One of my favorite things is to start the class off by singing in opera, "The bell has rung!" It's super fun and makes them think I'm crazy. I love that.
Yes, I have complained about my situation...more so at the beginning because I was still very unsure of what I was doing and decided to put blame on situations and innocent people rather than myself, I admit. But the more comfortable I became with my students and the school, the less I worried about thinking too hard; I just DID it. I can't even explain how, it just came to me. I love teaching, there can be no denying it.
The thing I love the most about teaching is interacting with my students. They have really become my own; and I truly love each one of them. Sometimes they grate my nerves and make me call them down, but that's a necessary part of growing and learning. I know that the education system is messed up and politics are flying everywhere and there's no money in the economy for education, so we're going to send future generations down the drain (ok, so I'm being a little harsh, but it irks me). I have heard it all. But I also know that I am willing to work hard to be a great teacher. I know I can teach students who think that they can't do anything; because I know that they can. It's frustrating when they write essays like they are texting, but those are boundaries I am going to have to break.
Ok, so you're wondering about the title. I have learned every single student's name...that's about 70, okay? And my name is written clearly on the whiteboard next to the date every day. Yet these precious lambs still cannot remember my name. "Miss, I have a question...Miss..." "Miss Lynnn? Wheaare are yOu frommm?" "High Point." "Aoohhh. I knew you weren't from 'round down hearr." Precious lambs? Yes, indeed.
One of my favorite things is to start the class off by singing in opera, "The bell has rung!" It's super fun and makes them think I'm crazy. I love that.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Heavy Heart...
Why is is that sometimes my heart is oh-so-heavy? It feels as though it has sunk down into the depths of my lungs somewhere. Oh, the heaviness makes me feel as though I can barely breathe. Days like this come from nowhere, it seems.
But I know why. I'm one of those don't-think-about-it-repress-it-until-you-can-get-over-it kind of people, and then one day everything just decides to come pouring out. But by that time, I don't even know what I've been repressing anymore.
Perhaps today set me off, because I was thinking about what's coming next (a frequent thought these days, I admit)...I realize that I may be here for a while longer than I ever thought or hoped. Which is good and bad, indeed. Good: it looks like I may get a job at the school where I am student teaching (the principal is supposed to come speak to me soon!) -- with all the talk of teacher freezes in many NC counties, that is music to my ears. Bad: I feel as though I'm heading for a rut. I feel so enclosed and captured here sometimes. I never truly felt I really had a place here for some reason. But maybe there's a bright change on the horizon. The Lord will provide; he's opened these doors so far.
Also, I taught an overview/introductory lesson for the next novel I'm teaching (MAUS) on the holocaust. I do hope this unit goes well, I feel it will be somewhat draining...I was pretty drained by the end of today...another reason for a heavy heart is thinking about the pain of humanity that I associate with issues such as genocide...I was all the more reminded of what I consider the genocide that's been going on for years in our midst, that being the unborn. There are so many things that I am passionate about that I just don't know what to do or say or think. I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson "Keep Breathing"...it's a beautiful song, but when I listened to the lyrics, I realized its emptiness..."I want to change the world...instead I sleep. I want to believe in more than you and me... But all that I know is I'm breathing...All I can do is keep breathing." Really, how hopeless are our hearts today? Do we have nothing more to think of than the breath that is eradicated as quickly as it enters every moment? I fear this is true.
And so, yes, my heart is weighty. I will do more than breathe, for I have the hope of a promise and a love that will never let me go, and it exceeds any earthly love or hate that overpowers.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Romeo and such...
So, I've learned that when you teach, you learn a lot. A lot about things you never knew you'd have to think about. About the topics you're teaching (obviously), about relationships, about hardships, about ...yourself.
And through a lot of thinking and wondering, I've learned all the more that I am one of the most selfish people you'll ever meet. When I talk, I use (1st person) personal pronouns way too much. But I need to expand those to include the "you"s and the "we"s... The Lord has really been hitting me with some things recently that make me fall to my knees because there's no where else to go...the fact is, the world continually lets me down. People let me down...even friendships that I think will really last. And I see that all is fleeting.
Of course, everything in my life is relating to Romeo and Juliet, bc that's what I spend most of my time studying and discussing every day...times three. So I'm not taking the stance of "this is the most beautiful love story of all time--wah wah wah..." I'm taking the stance of "these are selfish, hasty youngins who made bad decisions and then they died bc all they did was think about the MOMENT and what they wanted RIGHT THEN." I'm sorry if that's a harsh outlook, but it's so true.
I just desire honesty in relationships. If I could truly look at all of my friends and tell them how much they mean to me, my heart would seep out of every pore of my being and only then could they see my love. I want something real that outlasts this fleeting breath that I take in and out every moment. I want to live in and through Christ, and see others in that light.
But how can the broken things be made straight? Sometimes, things break. Sometimes, you print a paper and it's beautiful and you've put so much hard work into it, and then you think you're done and the work is over, but as you pick up the pages, you get a papercut. And it's a little cut, but it hurts. And it still takes time to heal.
I'm so full of flowery metaphors, and I'm sorry. I'm just full of thoughts that I can't explain bc I can't stop questioning why... so, I don't know why in one sense, but I do know that my Lord is the sovereign God who controls the universe, down to every prick of my heart. And although I incessantly feel that I don't match up to the standards of the people around me, I don't have to. Because the God who made me also made every other beautiful thing in creation, and I have everlasting value.
And through a lot of thinking and wondering, I've learned all the more that I am one of the most selfish people you'll ever meet. When I talk, I use (1st person) personal pronouns way too much. But I need to expand those to include the "you"s and the "we"s... The Lord has really been hitting me with some things recently that make me fall to my knees because there's no where else to go...the fact is, the world continually lets me down. People let me down...even friendships that I think will really last. And I see that all is fleeting.
Of course, everything in my life is relating to Romeo and Juliet, bc that's what I spend most of my time studying and discussing every day...times three. So I'm not taking the stance of "this is the most beautiful love story of all time--wah wah wah..." I'm taking the stance of "these are selfish, hasty youngins who made bad decisions and then they died bc all they did was think about the MOMENT and what they wanted RIGHT THEN." I'm sorry if that's a harsh outlook, but it's so true.
I just desire honesty in relationships. If I could truly look at all of my friends and tell them how much they mean to me, my heart would seep out of every pore of my being and only then could they see my love. I want something real that outlasts this fleeting breath that I take in and out every moment. I want to live in and through Christ, and see others in that light.
But how can the broken things be made straight? Sometimes, things break. Sometimes, you print a paper and it's beautiful and you've put so much hard work into it, and then you think you're done and the work is over, but as you pick up the pages, you get a papercut. And it's a little cut, but it hurts. And it still takes time to heal.
I'm so full of flowery metaphors, and I'm sorry. I'm just full of thoughts that I can't explain bc I can't stop questioning why... so, I don't know why in one sense, but I do know that my Lord is the sovereign God who controls the universe, down to every prick of my heart. And although I incessantly feel that I don't match up to the standards of the people around me, I don't have to. Because the God who made me also made every other beautiful thing in creation, and I have everlasting value.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
A Warrior
Internal screaming, ensue.
I just have this constant knot in my stomach. But I will not be overtaken by my worry.
"O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of man." (Neh. 1: 11)
Oh, let me be a woman of prayer: one who thinks before she speaks, and who finds joy in praising the God of the universe who made her to delight in him. Let me not stray away from my deepest love, the father who created my inmost being and knows me better than any other person ever will. I will not find myself in anything but his presence, for "[my] life is hidden with Christ in God." (Col. 3:3) Indeed! Hidden, enveloped, submersed, enclosed...let others see nothing but Christ radiating from my being!
I will not give in to the temptation to take control of every aspect of my life; I will strive to trust the Lord. I will understand that selfishness is not a fruit of the spirit.
I will live to love my Jesus.
I just have this constant knot in my stomach. But I will not be overtaken by my worry.
Nehemiah prayed incessantly.
"O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of man." (Neh. 1: 11)
Oh, let me be a woman of prayer: one who thinks before she speaks, and who finds joy in praising the God of the universe who made her to delight in him. Let me not stray away from my deepest love, the father who created my inmost being and knows me better than any other person ever will. I will not find myself in anything but his presence, for "[my] life is hidden with Christ in God." (Col. 3:3) Indeed! Hidden, enveloped, submersed, enclosed...let others see nothing but Christ radiating from my being!
I will not give in to the temptation to take control of every aspect of my life; I will strive to trust the Lord. I will understand that selfishness is not a fruit of the spirit.
I will live to love my Jesus.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Everybody knows it hurts to grow up...
On campus--
During Spring break.
Barely anyone around.
And I,
I wake up before the sun--
And emerge as it does,
Greeting the world,
But thinking I am too young to be in this role.
I don't know why I felt the need to write that "poetically," but I did. I think a lot of things are hitting me today. Especially because I'm here on campus with no one else around because I sort of have a real job (minus the huge paychecks that come with the teaching profession). And because I'm going to begin teaching tomorrow fulltime, and it's going to be longer than I thought, as the words from my cooperating teacher today hit me with an internal freakout: "I don't have any more lesson planning to do now that you're taking over!" (When another teacher asked her if she wanted an activity sheet for later in the semester) MEANING: Miss Lind has to come up with lesson plans beyond the ones she's been brooding over for this Romeo and Juliet mere 2 week unit....
Then I did some math. For me to get my 125 teaching hours in, I must teach for 3 full weeks beyond these 2 for Shakespeare. So, it looks like I'm going to teach for 5 straight weeks starting tomorrow. I don't know why this never hit me before, but it just didn't. So now I'm kinda going insane inside a little bit. But ok it makes perfect sense, this is "student teaching," and in the Fall, I will be "for real teaching" everyday, not just when I've decided that I'm ready and someone else can take over when I don't feel like getting in front of a classroom of 25 giggling, squirming, or sleeping 9th graders.
AND! If I teach for these 5 weeks straight, I will be DONE with my teaching before my Spring break (the week after Easter)! Which means I will be able to relax and really work on putting together my portfolio after my break.
So, there are ups and downs, but this is life. I just can't believe I'm already here. I've worked my little Abigail fanny off for 3 and a half years to make it to this point, but I never thought it would come--it was always this faraway dream caught in a cloud that I couldn't truly see. And now it's here in reality. But I still can't grasp that it's happening to me right now!
Ok enough of the craziness, just had to type it all out.
I hate being here alone all week! Yesterday, I ate lunch and dinner in Marshbanks by myself and I had fun conversations in my head -- which could mean I'm crazy or I could make a good writer.
Pray for my heart's peace.
Abs
During Spring break.
Barely anyone around.
And I,
I wake up before the sun--
And emerge as it does,
Greeting the world,
But thinking I am too young to be in this role.
I don't know why I felt the need to write that "poetically," but I did. I think a lot of things are hitting me today. Especially because I'm here on campus with no one else around because I sort of have a real job (minus the huge paychecks that come with the teaching profession). And because I'm going to begin teaching tomorrow fulltime, and it's going to be longer than I thought, as the words from my cooperating teacher today hit me with an internal freakout: "I don't have any more lesson planning to do now that you're taking over!" (When another teacher asked her if she wanted an activity sheet for later in the semester) MEANING: Miss Lind has to come up with lesson plans beyond the ones she's been brooding over for this Romeo and Juliet mere 2 week unit....
Then I did some math. For me to get my 125 teaching hours in, I must teach for 3 full weeks beyond these 2 for Shakespeare. So, it looks like I'm going to teach for 5 straight weeks starting tomorrow. I don't know why this never hit me before, but it just didn't. So now I'm kinda going insane inside a little bit. But ok it makes perfect sense, this is "student teaching," and in the Fall, I will be "for real teaching" everyday, not just when I've decided that I'm ready and someone else can take over when I don't feel like getting in front of a classroom of 25 giggling, squirming, or sleeping 9th graders.
AND! If I teach for these 5 weeks straight, I will be DONE with my teaching before my Spring break (the week after Easter)! Which means I will be able to relax and really work on putting together my portfolio after my break.
So, there are ups and downs, but this is life. I just can't believe I'm already here. I've worked my little Abigail fanny off for 3 and a half years to make it to this point, but I never thought it would come--it was always this faraway dream caught in a cloud that I couldn't truly see. And now it's here in reality. But I still can't grasp that it's happening to me right now!
Ok enough of the craziness, just had to type it all out.
I hate being here alone all week! Yesterday, I ate lunch and dinner in Marshbanks by myself and I had fun conversations in my head -- which could mean I'm crazy or I could make a good writer.
Pray for my heart's peace.
Abs
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