On Writing (or forcing myself to do so)

I feel I have the imagination of a butterfly: so many colors surround me that could act as springboards for stories, yet my heart and mind flutter from one flower to another without stopping long enough to truly take in the matter at hand.

I want to write.

I so often have ideas for so many different things to write about, and then I let myself down and never follow through. What a better time in my life than this? I am a young teacher with free summers and nothing to tie me down: I'm not going back for my master's yet, I'm not dating anyone, and I'm free, free, free! Yet, I feel that when I try to make myself sit down, my mind clouds with things I think I should be filling my time with, and then I just end up wasting more time thinking about ridiculous things than ever truly going for it.

Fear. Perhaps fear is holding me back; but isn't that the excuse of anyone who desires to do anything? I've been absorbed in a book called The Faith of a Writer by Joyce Carol Oates. It's been a good book for me, because it's more of a semi-academic read, which is a refreshment from the books that I teach throughout the school year (which are great, but often overdone when I have to teach them 3+ times a day). I have also heard of a book called The Writing Life by Annie Dillard that I want to pick up soon. I am trying to drill some inspiration into my brain...and now I feel that the summer is too quickly passing!

Hopefully I will have some time to sit and let the river of words flow soon.

So, if anyone has any encouragement for me, please give it! I beg of you. Love!

Frivolity and Unrequited Love

It's late, and I should be sleeping, but it's summertime and I'm allowing myself a few nights of frivolity where I stay up late and write my little heart out. I found this quote today, which really reminds me of ... well ... me.

"People keep telling me that I fall in love too easily - that I should protect my heart, that I shouldn’t wear my heart on my sleeve… I fall in love at least 20 times a day. I fall in love with the sky and the sun and the flowers and my children. I fall in love with smiles, with music on the radio and with french fries and Dr. Pepper. I fall in love with the sound of laughter, blue jeans, accents… Sometimes I fall in love with complete strangers, especially the ones holding hands and kissing in public. The ones who aren’t afraid to be in love with the idea of being in love either. I don’t mind the pain of unrequited love so much, because I think they’re wrong. Love looks good on me."

-Natalie Anne Erlanson

See, what I've learned about myself is that I am quick to trust and love other people. I put so much into the relationships that I have because I value people so much, but I often feel that I put a lot into something and then never see any return there, and I know that many people experience this.

However, J.M. Barrie said it much better than I can:
Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.

I often feel very insufficient; I can never be "good enough" for some people. I know this is a lie, but I feel as though there's some kind of wall that I hit and there's just nothing that can break it down. I just have a hard time with surface-level friendships that will never go anywhere.

It's okay if I don't make any sense at 2:37 am. Good night!

My Heart's Wanderings

Recently, I have had to pray for my soul to be still. I have seen so much brokenness and sorrow this year. I simply can't explain how much I have learned through the stories of my students and through the experiences I've had lately.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Ji-Hwan (John) Kim: 1987-2010

John was a very dear friend my first two years at Campbell. He was in the cast of the two musicals (Seussical and The Boyfriend) and the play (The Increased Difficulty of Concentration) that I performed in at CU. We went to Spring Formal together as well.

He was such an encouragement. He is one of those people who could just be friends with anyone, and I had the privilege of calling him "friend."

We always had a joke that we took too many pictures together, but now I cherish these memories. We were just buddies, and were together all the time; he was my brother. Our personalities just clicked so well, and we had so much fun together!

After he transferred to a different college in Maryland, we did not keep in touch as much as I wish we could have, but the Lord brings different people into your life perhaps at the time when you really need them. I am thankful for the memories that I have to think fondly on him, and the joy that he brought to my life.

I truly wish I could have been able to say goodbye, but I know that John was a believer and is with the Lord. So, here is my farewell to him.

I have learned a lot through finding out that John passed away of a heart attack recently. My heart couldn't believe it at first, but it has slowly hit me, and I have since released a lot of emotion about the whole situation. I have realized that I am such an externally emotive person; I cannot deal with things in my own mind until I let them out aloud. I was literally making myself sick a few days after I found out because I had not really talked to anyone about how I felt. I couldn't figure out why I felt light-headed and was just hurting inside until I talked about it to a few close friends. Yes, I miss him, and I just can't understand how it all happened, and I don't know how to gain an understanding of the situation, but I know that my hope is in the Lord and he is sovereign. The despair is covered by the grace of the Lord, who understands my sorrow and heals my tear-stained cheeks.

I wrote these the day after I found out about his death:

#1
A broken World;
A fleeting life.
He marks the steps of men
Whether they be long,
Or short.
All we know and have is substance --
If we cannot
Touch
Taste
Smell
Hear
See --
It is not in Existence.
Sovereignty reaches beyond
The grasp of man.

#2
They said these times of turmoil
Soon would pass along;
They said my tears would
Die away;
They said, "I hurt for you."
I do no know my heart right now;
Its clouding covers clarity.
These memories of you --
So clear, so calm, yet far --
The times
We laughed,
We danced,
We smiled,
Yet -- the question stands:
"Where are you?"
(I must say farewell, and hope.)

It seems there are many other things looming in my mind as well, but I really wanted to release all of this so that my heart could see it and accept it. This summer is already flying by, and I am going to be 23 in a little over a week. Growing up is such a crazy thing, I've come to find. I feel like I still face the same things that I did 10 years ago, but hopefully I have a new approach. This is life.

And so, my soul, be still.

Literature and the Gospel

We are the makers of stories.
We are the listeners of stories.
We desire stories in everyday life.
We are the believers of stories.
We are stories.

Why are stories important to any human's life? Why do I study and teach literature for a living?

I truly believe that stories are deep set into the heart of humanity, and we thrive on them. Every great story has a certain drama to it that we need to feel and be a part of, and we taste the goodness of community with one another by telling and sharing stories about our lives every day. If stories seem so important, then doesn't it make sense that they truly are necessary for life, and for the bigger picture of redemption?

Scripture tells us that God revealed his son, the Word (John 1:1) to a fallen world in desperate need of redemption. However, we had no idea we needed to be saved from anything, because we are so focused on our selfish desires that we would never have a desire to know God apart from his grace reaching out to us and making us alive from the death of sin. And how is this all revealed? In the perfect, true story of God's plan of salvation. Do not most stories contain some kind of conflict that must be solved with a type of hero who is the only one that can save the princess (or whatever it may be)? Creation/Fall/Redemption. The story begins, something goes wrong, and something must fix it. How beautiful it is that although we are completely lost in a jungle of death and pain around us, down so deep in a well of darkness that we could never even see a light on our own, that the Father mercifully takes us out of pits of despair and brings us into his marvelous light! Just like a prince in shining armor rescues his lady, so Christ redeems his church unto salvation. He is the only one who completes the story that everyone has tried so long to create and end happily. Although life is not made of happy endings, we are hidden in Christ's grace and must live in light of that -- the greatest story ever told.

And so, I see literature through the light of the gospel -- I must, for all other stories fall short. Themes are universal because every human heart is the same at its base; we share the same desires and defeats, and for true literature to make sense, we must see it in the context of THE story of perfect redemption.

Crafting Escapades

This evening, I visited a dear friend, Robyn.

When I arrived, I helped her make some yummy rice and spinach "cakes," which we thoroughly enjoyed.

Then, we set up shop in the living room to explore crafty new worlds.

I decided that sprucing up my purple pens would make grading more fun:
(Click any image to enlarge, oooh and aahhh)





(These pens can also be used for when students forget their own, and must be forced to borrow one from the crazy purple lady teacher.)

I think they're adorable. You?

Thoughts on Christmas from a Former Scrooge

I went into this semester thinking I could conquer the world. Now, some mornings, it's a fight to make myself get out of bed and into the classroom. In all honesty, there are times when I relentlessly question myself, "What am I doing here? Why? I am not doing a bit of good here..." And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

Every time someone asks me how my first-year teaching experience is going, I feel awful. I feel like I am going to burst into tears right there in front of them. And I try to explain how I feel, but I look into their eyes and realize that many of them don't want a real answer; they just want to ask me the "right catch-up questions" and get the "I'm fine" response that so often follows. But what about what's really in my heart? Am I just a scaredy cat? And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

Today is Christmas day, when I celebrate the birth of Jesus, who came to earth because I was helpless and worthless. And now, I have a hope that endures all. However, I spent most of the day thinking in my mind, "No! It's already Christmas day! This break is going by way too quickly, and soon I'll have to go back and face my classroom and feel SO helpless and worthless again and again."

And this brings me to think about individuals. There are real people who walk into my classroom every day just begging for attention. I want so badly to shower each one of them with all the love that is necessary, and I hate that there is only one of me to be able to do that, and unfortunately, that "love" has to come out in discipline. I want to teach them. But I don't know how to teach when I can barely get through a lesson without someone exploding. I see and hear of all of these amazing stories of teachers who changed the world of their students, but then I look at myself and see no fruit at all. Is that just completely selfish? I don't want to see the fruit in me; I want to see them changing and learning. I want them to see my love for them...but how is that translating? And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

So now I sit pondering. My family went and saw the movie Blindside this evening. I kinda thought it would just be another football movie, but I actually loved it. It made me think about my students ten times over; they have stories that would tear your heart apart, but I don't know how to make those things better for them. I don't want them to come to school hungry and then take out their hunger pains in anger toward me because I'm making them read. I don't want them to wonder why I tell them to do things for "their good" when they've never been able to trust adults before. I don't want them to have to choose to follow a cycle of wrong choices just because that is what has always been laid out for them from the start. How can we break free from the cycle of this chain that absolutely breaks my heart? How can I do anything more? I think about them all the time, and I don't want this to come out as bitterness anymore. They are not my enemies. But I have to help them learn that they must break free. They must know that they have to make their own choices; I can't do it for them. But I try this every day and it seems that nothing changes. Even when I just feel so helpless and worthless, all I can do is stay the course.

Love conquers all, and that is all I can leave with you.

Teaching Stories, part I

So I realize that I have not yet given any interesting stories from my first-year teaching experience, and if I do not release them, I will not remember them all! Some, I admit, are too personal for blog-world, but, my dears, I will reveal a few.

The first few weeks of school, I cried every other day or so, thinking I was a terrible teacher and I would never "reach" them and they would hate me forever. Yet slowly, I am seeing that my toughness on them has developed a little fruit.

For instance, I had a few students in particular who used to talk back/yell at/roll eyes/scream/(the list goes on), etc. at me every single day to exhaustion. Recently, those same students have been the ones who tell the rest of the class to "quiet down and listen to Ms. Lind she's trying to teach you something!" ...My eyes water and my jaw still drops every time.

One afternoon I asked my class to write a journal entry about someone who has influenced them, and one student wrote about her "dear Ms. Lind," who she thought might hate her because she does not speak English well, but the one she loves because the teacher always cares and helps her no matter what. Then there was the girl who almost broke my arm today because she wanted to run out of my classroom into the hall and attack the girl who was walking with her man. I slammed the door and told her to breathe, and she actually listened. There was not fight. If that had happened a week and a half ago, forget it.

OF course, I have had my awful days. The days when I burst into tears after the last backback has disappeared, and I force myself out of bed the next morning, promising myself it will get better.

But I have also had some great ones. The days I watch my strategic reading students REALLY working hard to get their questions answered so that they will get a purple smiley drawn on their paper instead of a frowny face that I draw when they do not complete their work, and the times when I see them truly looking at me in a way that I know means they understand and perhaps even enjoy the schoolwork. Even little things show me that they trust me--I mean, which teacher did you ask if you could leave your extra pair of shoes in the back of the room, the one you didn't want to see again at the end of the day? (I don't think so)

And so, right now, things are going pretty well. I am tired, but I am getting used to the way things roll. Sometimes I am still lonely, but I know it's okay.

Thus, I bid you goodnight.