Grace in the Valley

If only I had time to say everything right now, I would. There are many things on my mind...

All I know is that through uncertainty, Christ is my solid foundation.

"The Valley of Vision" (A Puritan Prayer)

Lord, High and Holy, Meek and Lowly,
thou hast brought me up to the valley of vision,
where I live in the depths but see in the heights;
hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.

Let me learn by paradox
that the way down is the way up,
that to be low is to be high,
that the broken heart is the healed heart,
that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
that to have nothing is to possess all,
that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
that to give is to receive,
that the valley is the place of vision.

Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells,
and the deeper wells the brighter thy stars shine;

Let me find thy light in my darkness,
thy life in my death,
thy joy in my sorrow,
thy grace in my sin,
thy riches in my poverty,
thy glory in my valley.

Let it be for me.

Alas, it's Valentine's Day...

Every year I go through these up-and-down moments on this very day...why? Because I'm a stupid girl. I really do love Valentine's day...how beautiful it is to set aside a day completely devoted to the most amazing thing the Lord made...because He is love (And it doesn't matter if I have a "valentine" or not). But, we have skewed it to what we want it to be, instead of taking it for what it is. Almost every song written has something to do with this "love," it seems, and I wonder the true definition of it. I have asked so many times what it could truly feel like to be in love, and I get a different answer every time, because it can't be truly explained in mere words. "To love" is a verb indeed.

On the other hand, my mind wanders to my own helplessness in this whole realm. Perhaps it's the silliest thing, but I've always been a thinker, and my thoughts circle around and around themselves. Of course I want to be in love, but I want it to be right, and I don't want to go through hurt again...but sometimes it seems it's worth a try, right? To quote my sister last semester, "You just have bad luck with boys!" And, well, that's quite true. But I believe that the Lord will work it all out in his timing, and I have to believe that. I will not give into lies about not being good enough, or pretty enough, or interesting enough, or talented enough, or smart enough, or witty enough. Christ is enough, and he is all (and no, I'm not saying he's my boyfriend, that's dumb, it's completely different, thank you). But one day there will be a man who will see me as I am, and love me. I just get so frustrated with myself because I make myself believe things that aren't true -- I either "read into" every pithy situation, or...well, to change this into stream-of-consciousness, boys just don't know how to handle situations. At all. And I've cried too many unnecessary tears. But every time, I fall again -- there's just no controlling my heart. But to love swiftly and abundantly is better than not loving at all, right?

I'm glad I've been writing a bit more this semester. I have my personal journal but I just haven't been picking up the pen lately because of the madness of daily life -- so these little snippets help me to remember my thoughts, I just hope no one laughs at me. And if anyone does, so be it. I give you my heart, there is nothing more to give. So laugh with me, cry with me, and, well, love me.

Happy Valentine's Day. I love you.

P.S. I found out that I am a (insert 16 "greats") granddaughter to William of Orange...therefore, I'm a princess.

I'm a [student] teacher!

First official day of student teaching: splendiferific (and yes, I made up that word, and I can, because I'm an English teacher).

Basically, I just sat in the back at my own personal desk and observed; but I am trying to get a good understanding of the students and I'm getting to know the backs of their heads really well--I'm getting quite good at that.

Then, there's the super ADD kid who constantly leans his desk back on two legs:
Miss Lind: "How many legs does that desk have?"
ADD: "Whaa?"
Miss Lind: "How many legs does that desk have?"
ADD: "ummm, four" (holding up four fingers and giving me a "duh" look)
Miss Lind: "Well then, maybe it should stand on all four of its legs."
[Showed him, yo.]

haha, but really--there are so many ways to deal with students, and right now, they need to know that a. I love them and care about them, and b. they're not gonna get away with crap from me. And on top of that, it kinda rocks that c. I'm super fun and if they behave they're going to have a great time in my class. Yes, they are.

Above all, teaching can be--and is--a ministry. Even if I'm not speaking Jesus' name to them, I am praying for them, and displaying His love--not on my own ability, but through the grace of the Lord, I am what I am.

PS--It's good for my heart to admire certain people. And I do.

Extravagant Devotion

It's the perfect day for a picnic, so I'm wearing my Sunday dress all day today. Weather like this makes me want to run out into a field of flowers barefoot and sing at the top of my lungs. It reminds me of a Kate Chopin quote from The Awakening: "Delicious February days, with all the summer's promise hovering in the air..." Yep, that's today.

Anyway, this weekend was an absolute refreshment for me...I went to the 20/20 conference at Southeastern (which made me miss my big brother a lot), and it was entitled, "The Gospel Comes to Life." How beautiful it is to renew an outlook of what the gospel means to us as Christians today: the gospel is as relevant now as it was way back in the times when everyone wore long itchy robes and had huge callouses on their dusty feet. We are not to conform to our culture, but to allow the gospel to exude from us and bring truth to our culture. We love our cities, our people...and we are commanded to be the city within the city that will pray and love. Christ is redeeming all of creation, including the culture in which we live, and what a blessing that he allows us to send out the gospel, although we are so undeserving to even speak his lovely name. We must love and worship in a Biblical way: one that does not accept views that denounce scripture, but one that shows the truth through the love of Christ that sets us free.

How beautiful it could be if I could have a heart like Mary who pours the perfume on Jesus...an act of extravagant love and devotion to her savior in the midst of the whisperings of her culture. I desire to love Christ above all my desires; may they be a future job, a husband, or any pithy homework assignments that try to cloud my mind. We must take hearts filled with devotion to our culture--with right devotion in humility of the Grace of our Lord.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Why be a teacher? You're Crazy!

I have been feeling quite weary recently...there is a lot on my mind. First of all, I can't believe that I will be graduating college in 96 days, but mostly it's everything that comes with that fact. "Growing up" has never felt so real...bc it has hit me in the face and it hurts. ow.

I met my cooperating teacher at Triton High last week, and I am very excited to be student teaching one honors and two regular English I classes this semester. I want to teach because I have a passion for it. There is no explanation as to why I would be crazy enough in anyone else's mind...but that's ok, I'm crazy. But to be a teacher, you have to LOVE teaching, or else you will go insane. I want to reach my students and know them individually so that they can learn more than the basics of my "content area." The classroom can be an environment of so much more than just "learning the material." And as much as I complain about my ed classes, I realize that I've learned ideas in there that go beyond what I need to know about English. I love English, but I also must love what I'm doing with it, and that is truly loving my students. What an opportunity for ministry.

So, I have my foundation. I know that I am going to be a teacher, and that I am a hard worker. I am organized; and a perfectionist, which sometimes takes up way too much of my time. But I'm proud of the work that I do, because I know that I can accomplish things I set my mind to. And I desire to be the best teacher that I can be. But I just don't know where I'm going next....I hate not seeing what's right ahead. On one hand, there are so many opportunities and choices and that's exciting--I get to start again, anew, and really "grow up"! On the other hand, I can't make any set plans because I have no idea where I'm going to get a job. That's very scary to me...but I also know that the Lord is good, and he will never leave me. So I pray. That's all that I can do, and all that I should do. I do the work set before me right now, and take the world as it comes.

Hope is clear.

The Wings We Bear

She falls into the night.
The broken wings have lost their stamina--
To press on is impossible
The end,
Inevitable.

Lying on the cold earth
Her eyes sink into the darkness
With nothing to surround her--
Nothing to maintain warmth.
The end,
Inevitable.

Noises besiege her timid presence.
She darts her weak eyes
Yet her body remains motionless--
And stricken with pain.
The end,
Inevitable.

Morning breaks.
Light seems a stranger to her
One so unfamiliar
And yet so personal--
The end,
Withers.

The crooked wings by her sides
Gain strength
In the radiance of hope--
She knows not the now, but
The end,
Diminished.

I am so often caught in what I see before me--because sometimes I seem to see nothing at all. I look around and I am captured by the lies that the world flings at me. Yes; my wings are broken. They are weak and mangled. But I am promised a joy that seeks me through the darkness and brings brilliance to my scarred eyes. You know that song "I'll fly away"? What a precious picture of the restoration of our broken wings on this earth--we are broken creatures...but we won't die; we will live on in the presence of the Lord of the universe, and we will see the world mended. What right have I to wallow in my feelings of self-pity and neglect the promises that the Lord reveals to me every day of my life? No, I don't know what's to come, but the light of the gospel transcends what I think may be the end. The only end that is certain is the end of darkness.

And my wings will be free.

broken beauty

We live in a beautiful, broken world.

The nation is broken, the organizations within it are broken, the church is broken, and the individuals are broken. Sometimes I just feel so useless because I don't know how to express my faith in real actions; or am I just a cop-out when it comes to truly standing up for my beliefs? Therefore, I'm denying my savior. I desire for the gospel to infiltrate my heart so much that it just bubbles out of me--and I need to spend more time in the Word and studying and knowing how to defend my faith. Honestly, because I am an English major, I have become pretty good at making eloquent generalities without really saying anything at all. But the gospel does not need sugar-coating: Jesus came to set me free from guilt and sin, and through him I can defeat that sting of sin--and death! And yet, just like Paul, I can never understand why I continue to do the things that I do. And even so, the Lord is in control.

Praise Him that the brokenness is being restored, and will one day be perfected.

And that is beautiful.