Heavy Heart...

Why is is that sometimes my heart is oh-so-heavy? It feels as though it has sunk down into the depths of my lungs somewhere. Oh, the heaviness makes me feel as though I can barely breathe. Days like this come from nowhere, it seems.

But I know why. I'm one of those don't-think-about-it-repress-it-until-you-can-get-over-it kind of people, and then one day everything just decides to come pouring out. But by that time, I don't even know what I've been repressing anymore.

Perhaps today set me off, because I was thinking about what's coming next (a frequent thought these days, I admit)...I realize that I may be here for a while longer than I ever thought or hoped. Which is good and bad, indeed. Good: it looks like I may get a job at the school where I am student teaching (the principal is supposed to come speak to me soon!) -- with all the talk of teacher freezes in many NC counties, that is music to my ears. Bad: I feel as though I'm heading for a rut. I feel so enclosed and captured here sometimes. I never truly felt I really had a place here for some reason. But maybe there's a bright change on the horizon. The Lord will provide; he's opened these doors so far.

Also, I taught an overview/introductory lesson for the next novel I'm teaching (MAUS) on the holocaust. I do hope this unit goes well, I feel it will be somewhat draining...I was pretty drained by the end of today...another reason for a heavy heart is thinking about the pain of humanity that I associate with issues such as genocide...I was all the more reminded of what I consider the genocide that's been going on for years in our midst, that being the unborn. There are so many things that I am passionate about that I just don't know what to do or say or think. I'm listening to Ingrid Michaelson "Keep Breathing"...it's a beautiful song, but when I listened to the lyrics, I realized its emptiness..."I want to change the world...instead I sleep. I want to believe in more than you and me... But all that I know is I'm breathing...All I can do is keep breathing." Really, how hopeless are our hearts today? Do we have nothing more to think of than the breath that is eradicated as quickly as it enters every moment? I fear this is true.

And so, yes, my heart is weighty. I will do more than breathe, for I have the hope of a promise and a love that will never let me go, and it exceeds any earthly love or hate that overpowers.

Romeo and such...

So, I've learned that when you teach, you learn a lot. A lot about things you never knew you'd have to think about. About the topics you're teaching (obviously), about relationships, about hardships, about ...yourself.

And through a lot of thinking and wondering, I've learned all the more that I am one of the most selfish people you'll ever meet. When I talk, I use (1st person) personal pronouns way too much. But I need to expand those to include the "you"s and the "we"s... The Lord has really been hitting me with some things recently that make me fall to my knees because there's no where else to go...the fact is, the world continually lets me down. People let me down...even friendships that I think will really last. And I see that all is fleeting.

Of course, everything in my life is relating to Romeo and Juliet, bc that's what I spend most of my time studying and discussing every day...times three. So I'm not taking the stance of "this is the most beautiful love story of all time--wah wah wah..." I'm taking the stance of "these are selfish, hasty youngins who made bad decisions and then they died bc all they did was think about the MOMENT and what they wanted RIGHT THEN." I'm sorry if that's a harsh outlook, but it's so true.

I just desire honesty in relationships. If I could truly look at all of my friends and tell them how much they mean to me, my heart would seep out of every pore of my being and only then could they see my love. I want something real that outlasts this fleeting breath that I take in and out every moment. I want to live in and through Christ, and see others in that light.

But how can the broken things be made straight? Sometimes, things break. Sometimes, you print a paper and it's beautiful and you've put so much hard work into it, and then you think you're done and the work is over, but as you pick up the pages, you get a papercut. And it's a little cut, but it hurts. And it still takes time to heal.

I'm so full of flowery metaphors, and I'm sorry. I'm just full of thoughts that I can't explain bc I can't stop questioning why... so, I don't know why in one sense, but I do know that my Lord is the sovereign God who controls the universe, down to every prick of my heart. And although I incessantly feel that I don't match up to the standards of the people around me, I don't have to. Because the God who made me also made every other beautiful thing in creation, and I have everlasting value.

A Warrior

Internal screaming, ensue.

I just have this constant knot in my stomach. But I will not be overtaken by my worry.

Nehemiah prayed incessantly.

"O Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of your servant, and the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name, and give success to your servant today, and grant him mercy in the sight of man." (Neh. 1: 11)

Oh, let me be a woman of prayer: one who thinks before she speaks, and who finds joy in praising the God of the universe who made her to delight in him. Let me not stray away from my deepest love, the father who created my inmost being and knows me better than any other person ever will. I will not find myself in anything but his presence, for "[my] life is hidden with Christ in God." (Col. 3:3) Indeed! Hidden, enveloped, submersed, enclosed...let others see nothing but Christ radiating from my being!

I will not give in to the temptation to take control of every aspect of my life; I will strive to trust the Lord. I will understand that selfishness is not a fruit of the spirit.

I will live to love my Jesus.

Everybody knows it hurts to grow up...

On campus--
During Spring break.
Barely anyone around.
And I,
I wake up before the sun--
And emerge as it does,
Greeting the world,
But thinking I am too young to be in this role.

I don't know why I felt the need to write that "poetically," but I did. I think a lot of things are hitting me today. Especially because I'm here on campus with no one else around because I sort of have a real job (minus the huge paychecks that come with the teaching profession). And because I'm going to begin teaching tomorrow fulltime, and it's going to be longer than I thought, as the words from my cooperating teacher today hit me with an internal freakout: "I don't have any more lesson planning to do now that you're taking over!" (When another teacher asked her if she wanted an activity sheet for later in the semester) MEANING: Miss Lind has to come up with lesson plans beyond the ones she's been brooding over for this Romeo and Juliet mere 2 week unit....

Then I did some math. For me to get my 125 teaching hours in, I must teach for 3 full weeks beyond these 2 for Shakespeare. So, it looks like I'm going to teach for 5 straight weeks starting tomorrow. I don't know why this never hit me before, but it just didn't. So now I'm kinda going insane inside a little bit. But ok it makes perfect sense, this is "student teaching," and in the Fall, I will be "for real teaching" everyday, not just when I've decided that I'm ready and someone else can take over when I don't feel like getting in front of a classroom of 25 giggling, squirming, or sleeping 9th graders.

AND! If I teach for these 5 weeks straight, I will be DONE with my teaching before my Spring break (the week after Easter)! Which means I will be able to relax and really work on putting together my portfolio after my break.

So, there are ups and downs, but this is life. I just can't believe I'm already here. I've worked my little Abigail fanny off for 3 and a half years to make it to this point, but I never thought it would come--it was always this faraway dream caught in a cloud that I couldn't truly see. And now it's here in reality. But I still can't grasp that it's happening to me right now!

Ok enough of the craziness, just had to type it all out.
I hate being here alone all week! Yesterday, I ate lunch and dinner in Marshbanks by myself and I had fun conversations in my head -- which could mean I'm crazy or I could make a good writer.

Pray for my heart's peace.
Abs

A Sonnet

I've always wanted to write a sonnet, so during 4th block today, I did (although I think it sounds like a country song, it's my first attempt, and don't laugh at me, this is real life, yo.)

Sonnet # 1

What if I told you I have fallen --
Would you leave me there alone?
When these lonely thoughts come callin',
I'm left shivering to the bone.

One night you hugged me tightly;
The next you forgot my existence --
Should I take these phonecalls lightly
Or ask my heart to feign resistance?

Can I forget the laughs we shared,
Or the times we spent conversing?
You became the one for whom I cared
But to you, I was a thought reversing.

"Just friends," those words I hate to hear;
They're posted on my face, I fear.

The Revolution

"I must be a light there..."

If only a glimmer;
A slight sparkle to separate from the mass of harsh, black night.
Who am I to attempt to break the boundaries of cultural revolution?
(Those "boundaries" cover the hostile seclusion of individual needs.)

Indeed, a revolutionary -- I must be.
Love is the fruition; Light is the hope of the finality.
Each tiny flame gathers to the center
And creates enough light for a few others to catch a spark --
Then, they join the force.

How will they know if they are not told (or shown)?
How will you love if you have no hope in Light?
They say, "We must shine." I say, "If I do not, I am overcome by the darkness."

This little light will shine; even --
If only a glimmer.

AGL

I Finished another full day of teaching, and my thoughts have run rampant throughout this process. "Why am I here/ What am I doing?/ Internal screaming!" AND "Wow, that made this whole day worth it." What is a revolution? It does not have to necessitate a negative connotation.
I will start a revolution of light -- loving one student at a time.
I am a teacher. I am a believer.

The Teacher "Look"

It's a cold stare that means business.
It's the narrowing of the eyes and the hand on the hip.
It's the dead silence that can be cut with a knife.
It's...the teacher "look."

Well, I taught my first full day of school yesterday, and the comments from Mrs. C. were, "I have nothing to tell you to improve upon...the only thing for you to think about is time management, and it's just something you'll gain with practice." "You are a natural, there's nothing more I can say."

Wow, what a relief. So, I have appeased the master -- but, I think that's what I did -- I taught like her. So I have decided I'm slowly going to kick up my feet and start bringing in some new ideas. If I have already proven that I have the ability to teach well, then I can prove that I can teach well with a variety of activities, too. And most of all, I've proven to myself that I love doing this, no matter how hard it is at certain times. I've always heard teaching is a gift, and I've unwrapped it and tried it on; and well, it fits! And that's so exciting for me. I know I do and will complain, but I know that I still love it. Because I love those students, and I am willing to give, give, give...no matter the long hours of preparation, the drooping eyes in the classroom (because just a few "I get it!" looks are worthwhile), the incessant chattering that I hush by my witty remarks ("Just because I walked to another part of the room does not mean I've disappeared!"), or the fights in the hallways that will never cease. They need someone to give them love, because it may not come from anywhere else.

So, I'm perfecting my "I-mean-business" look that covers the look that cares more than they know. Draining, yes. Worth it, yes.

This semester is going to seem long but short all at the same time. I want to spend time with people but it's so hard to balance my "bedtime" and lesson planning with truly knowing and loving those around me. So, "time management" needs to smack me in the face in all realms of living. Why is it that sometimes you don't see something big until it seems almost too late? Am I running out of time, or do we really have all the time in the world?

Love never fails.
Abigail