Tiny Bucket List to be Improved Upon

So, I have always had "ideas" of things that I want to do/accomplish in my life, but I haven't really sat down to list them out or think them through. They've just been these "Oh yeah, I totes wanna do that!" random things. So, I've decided that I'm going to put down a few major things now and I'll eventually add.

(And by the way, I haven't posted in so long that I forgot my login info. ugh)

Ab's Amazing BUCKET LIST

(Let me know if you want to adventure with me in one or more or all of these things!)

1. Glorify God and enjoy Him forever.
2. Go skydiving
3. Go on train rides across England and Ireland and see lots of cool literary and historical wonders
4. Learn new things every day, whether or not I'm in school (but perhaps I'll go for my PhD while I'm at it!).
5. Get married and have some babies
6. Have a room in my house one day entirely devoted to all things purple
7. Write a book of short stories or a novel
8. Get published in a magazine (an article or something, who knows)
9. Run a 5k or longer (I know that's not much, but it's a start!)
10. Still be able to tumble for years to come
11. Go to hair school
12. Go backpacking
13. Find beauty in "common" things more often
14. Communicate better with people: let them know I love them, and really invest in relationships

That's about all I have for now, but it's a pretty fun start!
Love to all!

One Reason Why I Teach

December 20 2010

Dear Ms. Lind

Miss Lind you been supporting me ever since the first day of school. I am very happy that you doing this me cause you didn't had to do that for me. When I'm at my graduation, I promise I will call you up to the stage! I hope you be safe and have a wonderful New Year! Merry Christmas Ms. Lind!

I Love You!

Love,

Student Name

I received this today from a student in my Freshman Seminar class. This child is constantly picked on by his classmates, and he is in the specialized education program. I have been on the verge of tears the rest of the afternoon because of this. This year has been SO tough for me thus far, but this note reminded me why I do this. It reminded me that I get up every day because there are close to 100 students who come and sit in my desks everyday who are REAL people with real feelings and needs. Sometimes I think I just won't make it to the end of the day without my head exploding, but then I look around and see the hurt these kids face every day. It's in their eyes; it's in the way they fight against me until they realize there's something good to what I want them to learn and understand. Many of them are so difficult to deal with, but I love them so much. I want to fight for them, and to help them to feel valued and loved.

I am a teacher.
I will press on.

A Rediscovery

So, I found this post from last year, and I wanted to post it again because I've realized that sometimes I learn things, and then I seem to forget them so easily. So my own previous thoughts can once again inspire change in how I see the world as a believer...

"I must be a light there..."

If only a glimmer;
A slight sparkle to separate from the mass of harsh, black night.
Who am I to attempt to break the boundaries of cultural revolution?
(Those "boundaries" cover the hostile seclusion of individual needs.)

Indeed, a revolutionary -- I must be.
Love is the fruition; Light is the hope of the finality.
Each tiny flame gathers to the center
And creates enough light for a few others to catch a spark --
Then, they join the force.

How will they know if they are not told (or shown)?
How will you love if you have no hope in Light?
They say, "We must shine." I say, "If I do not, I am overcome by the darkness."

This little light will shine; even --
If only a glimmer.

AGL

(I will start a revolution of light -- loving one student at a time.
I am a teacher. I am a believer.)

On Writing (or forcing myself to do so)

I feel I have the imagination of a butterfly: so many colors surround me that could act as springboards for stories, yet my heart and mind flutter from one flower to another without stopping long enough to truly take in the matter at hand.

I want to write.

I so often have ideas for so many different things to write about, and then I let myself down and never follow through. What a better time in my life than this? I am a young teacher with free summers and nothing to tie me down: I'm not going back for my master's yet, I'm not dating anyone, and I'm free, free, free! Yet, I feel that when I try to make myself sit down, my mind clouds with things I think I should be filling my time with, and then I just end up wasting more time thinking about ridiculous things than ever truly going for it.

Fear. Perhaps fear is holding me back; but isn't that the excuse of anyone who desires to do anything? I've been absorbed in a book called The Faith of a Writer by Joyce Carol Oates. It's been a good book for me, because it's more of a semi-academic read, which is a refreshment from the books that I teach throughout the school year (which are great, but often overdone when I have to teach them 3+ times a day). I have also heard of a book called The Writing Life by Annie Dillard that I want to pick up soon. I am trying to drill some inspiration into my brain...and now I feel that the summer is too quickly passing!

Hopefully I will have some time to sit and let the river of words flow soon.

So, if anyone has any encouragement for me, please give it! I beg of you. Love!

Frivolity and Unrequited Love

It's late, and I should be sleeping, but it's summertime and I'm allowing myself a few nights of frivolity where I stay up late and write my little heart out. I found this quote today, which really reminds me of ... well ... me.

"People keep telling me that I fall in love too easily - that I should protect my heart, that I shouldn’t wear my heart on my sleeve… I fall in love at least 20 times a day. I fall in love with the sky and the sun and the flowers and my children. I fall in love with smiles, with music on the radio and with french fries and Dr. Pepper. I fall in love with the sound of laughter, blue jeans, accents… Sometimes I fall in love with complete strangers, especially the ones holding hands and kissing in public. The ones who aren’t afraid to be in love with the idea of being in love either. I don’t mind the pain of unrequited love so much, because I think they’re wrong. Love looks good on me."

-Natalie Anne Erlanson

See, what I've learned about myself is that I am quick to trust and love other people. I put so much into the relationships that I have because I value people so much, but I often feel that I put a lot into something and then never see any return there, and I know that many people experience this.

However, J.M. Barrie said it much better than I can:
Let no one who loves be called unhappy. Even love unreturned has its rainbow.

I often feel very insufficient; I can never be "good enough" for some people. I know this is a lie, but I feel as though there's some kind of wall that I hit and there's just nothing that can break it down. I just have a hard time with surface-level friendships that will never go anywhere.

It's okay if I don't make any sense at 2:37 am. Good night!

My Heart's Wanderings

Recently, I have had to pray for my soul to be still. I have seen so much brokenness and sorrow this year. I simply can't explain how much I have learned through the stories of my students and through the experiences I've had lately.

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end

Ji-Hwan (John) Kim: 1987-2010

John was a very dear friend my first two years at Campbell. He was in the cast of the two musicals (Seussical and The Boyfriend) and the play (The Increased Difficulty of Concentration) that I performed in at CU. We went to Spring Formal together as well.

He was such an encouragement. He is one of those people who could just be friends with anyone, and I had the privilege of calling him "friend."

We always had a joke that we took too many pictures together, but now I cherish these memories. We were just buddies, and were together all the time; he was my brother. Our personalities just clicked so well, and we had so much fun together!

After he transferred to a different college in Maryland, we did not keep in touch as much as I wish we could have, but the Lord brings different people into your life perhaps at the time when you really need them. I am thankful for the memories that I have to think fondly on him, and the joy that he brought to my life.

I truly wish I could have been able to say goodbye, but I know that John was a believer and is with the Lord. So, here is my farewell to him.

I have learned a lot through finding out that John passed away of a heart attack recently. My heart couldn't believe it at first, but it has slowly hit me, and I have since released a lot of emotion about the whole situation. I have realized that I am such an externally emotive person; I cannot deal with things in my own mind until I let them out aloud. I was literally making myself sick a few days after I found out because I had not really talked to anyone about how I felt. I couldn't figure out why I felt light-headed and was just hurting inside until I talked about it to a few close friends. Yes, I miss him, and I just can't understand how it all happened, and I don't know how to gain an understanding of the situation, but I know that my hope is in the Lord and he is sovereign. The despair is covered by the grace of the Lord, who understands my sorrow and heals my tear-stained cheeks.

I wrote these the day after I found out about his death:

#1
A broken World;
A fleeting life.
He marks the steps of men
Whether they be long,
Or short.
All we know and have is substance --
If we cannot
Touch
Taste
Smell
Hear
See --
It is not in Existence.
Sovereignty reaches beyond
The grasp of man.

#2
They said these times of turmoil
Soon would pass along;
They said my tears would
Die away;
They said, "I hurt for you."
I do no know my heart right now;
Its clouding covers clarity.
These memories of you --
So clear, so calm, yet far --
The times
We laughed,
We danced,
We smiled,
Yet -- the question stands:
"Where are you?"
(I must say farewell, and hope.)

It seems there are many other things looming in my mind as well, but I really wanted to release all of this so that my heart could see it and accept it. This summer is already flying by, and I am going to be 23 in a little over a week. Growing up is such a crazy thing, I've come to find. I feel like I still face the same things that I did 10 years ago, but hopefully I have a new approach. This is life.

And so, my soul, be still.

Literature and the Gospel

We are the makers of stories.
We are the listeners of stories.
We desire stories in everyday life.
We are the believers of stories.
We are stories.

Why are stories important to any human's life? Why do I study and teach literature for a living?

I truly believe that stories are deep set into the heart of humanity, and we thrive on them. Every great story has a certain drama to it that we need to feel and be a part of, and we taste the goodness of community with one another by telling and sharing stories about our lives every day. If stories seem so important, then doesn't it make sense that they truly are necessary for life, and for the bigger picture of redemption?

Scripture tells us that God revealed his son, the Word (John 1:1) to a fallen world in desperate need of redemption. However, we had no idea we needed to be saved from anything, because we are so focused on our selfish desires that we would never have a desire to know God apart from his grace reaching out to us and making us alive from the death of sin. And how is this all revealed? In the perfect, true story of God's plan of salvation. Do not most stories contain some kind of conflict that must be solved with a type of hero who is the only one that can save the princess (or whatever it may be)? Creation/Fall/Redemption. The story begins, something goes wrong, and something must fix it. How beautiful it is that although we are completely lost in a jungle of death and pain around us, down so deep in a well of darkness that we could never even see a light on our own, that the Father mercifully takes us out of pits of despair and brings us into his marvelous light! Just like a prince in shining armor rescues his lady, so Christ redeems his church unto salvation. He is the only one who completes the story that everyone has tried so long to create and end happily. Although life is not made of happy endings, we are hidden in Christ's grace and must live in light of that -- the greatest story ever told.

And so, I see literature through the light of the gospel -- I must, for all other stories fall short. Themes are universal because every human heart is the same at its base; we share the same desires and defeats, and for true literature to make sense, we must see it in the context of THE story of perfect redemption.

Crafting Escapades

This evening, I visited a dear friend, Robyn.

When I arrived, I helped her make some yummy rice and spinach "cakes," which we thoroughly enjoyed.

Then, we set up shop in the living room to explore crafty new worlds.

I decided that sprucing up my purple pens would make grading more fun:
(Click any image to enlarge, oooh and aahhh)





(These pens can also be used for when students forget their own, and must be forced to borrow one from the crazy purple lady teacher.)

I think they're adorable. You?

Thoughts on Christmas from a Former Scrooge

I went into this semester thinking I could conquer the world. Now, some mornings, it's a fight to make myself get out of bed and into the classroom. In all honesty, there are times when I relentlessly question myself, "What am I doing here? Why? I am not doing a bit of good here..." And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

Every time someone asks me how my first-year teaching experience is going, I feel awful. I feel like I am going to burst into tears right there in front of them. And I try to explain how I feel, but I look into their eyes and realize that many of them don't want a real answer; they just want to ask me the "right catch-up questions" and get the "I'm fine" response that so often follows. But what about what's really in my heart? Am I just a scaredy cat? And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

Today is Christmas day, when I celebrate the birth of Jesus, who came to earth because I was helpless and worthless. And now, I have a hope that endures all. However, I spent most of the day thinking in my mind, "No! It's already Christmas day! This break is going by way too quickly, and soon I'll have to go back and face my classroom and feel SO helpless and worthless again and again."

And this brings me to think about individuals. There are real people who walk into my classroom every day just begging for attention. I want so badly to shower each one of them with all the love that is necessary, and I hate that there is only one of me to be able to do that, and unfortunately, that "love" has to come out in discipline. I want to teach them. But I don't know how to teach when I can barely get through a lesson without someone exploding. I see and hear of all of these amazing stories of teachers who changed the world of their students, but then I look at myself and see no fruit at all. Is that just completely selfish? I don't want to see the fruit in me; I want to see them changing and learning. I want them to see my love for them...but how is that translating? And I just feel so helpless and worthless.

So now I sit pondering. My family went and saw the movie Blindside this evening. I kinda thought it would just be another football movie, but I actually loved it. It made me think about my students ten times over; they have stories that would tear your heart apart, but I don't know how to make those things better for them. I don't want them to come to school hungry and then take out their hunger pains in anger toward me because I'm making them read. I don't want them to wonder why I tell them to do things for "their good" when they've never been able to trust adults before. I don't want them to have to choose to follow a cycle of wrong choices just because that is what has always been laid out for them from the start. How can we break free from the cycle of this chain that absolutely breaks my heart? How can I do anything more? I think about them all the time, and I don't want this to come out as bitterness anymore. They are not my enemies. But I have to help them learn that they must break free. They must know that they have to make their own choices; I can't do it for them. But I try this every day and it seems that nothing changes. Even when I just feel so helpless and worthless, all I can do is stay the course.

Love conquers all, and that is all I can leave with you.

Teaching Stories, part I

So I realize that I have not yet given any interesting stories from my first-year teaching experience, and if I do not release them, I will not remember them all! Some, I admit, are too personal for blog-world, but, my dears, I will reveal a few.

The first few weeks of school, I cried every other day or so, thinking I was a terrible teacher and I would never "reach" them and they would hate me forever. Yet slowly, I am seeing that my toughness on them has developed a little fruit.

For instance, I had a few students in particular who used to talk back/yell at/roll eyes/scream/(the list goes on), etc. at me every single day to exhaustion. Recently, those same students have been the ones who tell the rest of the class to "quiet down and listen to Ms. Lind she's trying to teach you something!" ...My eyes water and my jaw still drops every time.

One afternoon I asked my class to write a journal entry about someone who has influenced them, and one student wrote about her "dear Ms. Lind," who she thought might hate her because she does not speak English well, but the one she loves because the teacher always cares and helps her no matter what. Then there was the girl who almost broke my arm today because she wanted to run out of my classroom into the hall and attack the girl who was walking with her man. I slammed the door and told her to breathe, and she actually listened. There was not fight. If that had happened a week and a half ago, forget it.

OF course, I have had my awful days. The days when I burst into tears after the last backback has disappeared, and I force myself out of bed the next morning, promising myself it will get better.

But I have also had some great ones. The days I watch my strategic reading students REALLY working hard to get their questions answered so that they will get a purple smiley drawn on their paper instead of a frowny face that I draw when they do not complete their work, and the times when I see them truly looking at me in a way that I know means they understand and perhaps even enjoy the schoolwork. Even little things show me that they trust me--I mean, which teacher did you ask if you could leave your extra pair of shoes in the back of the room, the one you didn't want to see again at the end of the day? (I don't think so)

And so, right now, things are going pretty well. I am tired, but I am getting used to the way things roll. Sometimes I am still lonely, but I know it's okay.

Thus, I bid you goodnight.

I finished six weeks as a fo' sho' teacher!

I know, I haven't written in oodles of time, but seriously, this job is so much more than you could ever imagine until you're IN it...I feel like it's a 24/7 shift...I can't even sleep without dreaming about being in the classroom!

I have indeed survived the first six weeks of school in my own classroom--and what a roller coaster it has been! I don't even know how to describe the emotions I've experienced thus far in the semester.

I am in love with what I'm doing. I have to be; if I were not, I would have called it quit a month ago. Because it's hard, hard, hard. But I go in everyday, and I say, "Love them." I have that phrase written on a sticky note below my podium. Some days, a verse from my mini New Testament in my desk or a familiar hymn are the only things that get me through half the day when I just don't know if I'll be able to handle it all.

Some days, I have shed tears during my planning block or after school; others, I am skipping and doing cartwheels in the halls when the day is done. I take every day as it comes, because that is what I must do. I have students who I think may take me over the edge, but somehow, I find ways to speak to them, and it's a constant battle--but I am willing to fight for them--because I do love them (not fight with them, mind you, but for them).

I don't ever want to hear anyone say that teachers have it "easy" because they only work till 3 and get summers off. LIES! I have worked 12 hour days AT school, only to go home and still have some grading or planning to do. I know I am a perfectionist, and that is something I am trying to work on in dividing my time, but this job is craziness! I get up around 5:45, get to work an hour early, and then stay later than most in the parking lot until I give up and pack my work to finish at home after 4 or so.

Maybe the reason I do this at times is because I know I get lonely here. I am in a place where--well, there's not much, really. I don't really have a community here right now that is building me up in the Lord on a personal and daily level; I am on my own and figuring out what it is to "be a grownup" and WOAH it's just hard some days. I am blessed to have a job, and I enjoy the people there, but I also know that I'm always wanting something else. In time. I will wait upon the Lord, oh my soul.

I've been reading through Romans, and it seems like everyday I see exactly what I need in those verses. Paul's right on target with my wandering heart. I pray I will run with endurance the race that is marked for me and see my future HOPE instead of focusing on my daily "getting to tomorrow." I know that Christ is my all; I must live that.

I am going home to visit my family this Friday, which I am excited about. I am ready to gain comfort and encouragement there.

Mostly, I still can't believe that I'm actually doing this. Everyday. I am seriously in charge of 50 teenagers and their ever-molding minds! Why am I there? Because I do love them. Sometimes, that's easy to forget. But I have a savior who loves me no matter what, and that is my ever-true-and-never-failing hope.

A Teachable Moment

I am going to post a great big fat "My first few weeks as a real teacher" entry as soon as I can, but I just have not been able to get around to that yet. Thus, I am copying an essay that I wrote for my Strategic Reading classes as an example of something they are working on for a project...they are supposed to write Compare/Contrast essays on how they see themselves v. how others see them, and I told them I would never give them an assignment that I would not be willing to do myself, and they needed some clarification. Thus, I like the way it turned out, and I will share:

A. Lind
September 9, 2009
Strategic Reading 1st/2nd Block
NCSCS Objectives: 1.01, 6.01, 6.02
Compare and Contrast Essay: “I See Inside Myself; You See My Mirror”

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted to be called; my name was always Abigail, and always will be Abigail. I do not go by Abby; that’s not my name and I will never allow anyone to pretend that it is. Abigail means “Source of Joy,” and that name means a lot to me, so I strive to live that out, but I often wonder if other people see me as I see myself.

The way that I see myself is based upon the situations that have occurred in my life thus far. I believe that I am intelligent because I always worked hard in school, and now I am a teacher. I also see myself as very outgoing because I usually make friends easily and I can entertain a crowd by telling a quick-witted story (which could also be due to my background in theater and gymnastics). Furthermore, I think that my best characteristic is my ability to laugh in any situation, and the fact that I have a very unusual laugh only adds to the joy that I hope it brings to the people around me. I was voted “most humorous” by my class when I was a senior in High School, so this ability has been revealed to me on multiple occasions. Thus, the way I see myself is sometimes the same but sometimes different from the way that others see me.

When other people look at me, they see a young woman who is small in stature but loud in voice. I think that my laugh is often the first thing that many people notice about me, so in that regard, others can see the joy that I know I have within me. However, there are many things about me that other people do not know. I often get sidetracked into believing that I am not smart enough or not good enough at certain things, which I think is something that many people struggle with but are not willing to admit. People look at me and assume things that may never be true, but how will they ever know until they truly form a relationship with me? I desire that everyone gets to know me as I attempt to know them, because relationships are difficult as people are difficult to understand. When I look in the mirror I know what’s beyond the face, but do other people have any idea? If we all make efforts to dig deeper, maybe we will all find out more about each other that we never knew existed, and that is what brings joy to my heart.

That's all for now, folks.

The Riches of Grace, in "Blessings" or Sorrow

I just consumed a bowl of raisin bran for an almost-midnight snack. Lovely!

Since it is almost midnight, it is also a perfect time for me to do some thinking and analyzing. Recently, a lot of things have changed in my life. I have started to rent my own apartment (with a great roomie of course!), bought my own furniture (for the first time in my life I'll be sleeping on a FULL bed, not just a twin!), and slowly had the realization that this is a "real" job, and this is my "new" life. I am so excited and nervous all at the same time that my emotions are in a whirlwind and I've fallen almost flat because my mind has so many intersections. What is is going to be like when I'm "on my own"? (Yes, at this point you can begin singing the beautiful song from Les Mis, I'll join right in.)

Something that has struck me as interesting in my thought process is the idea of being "blessed." I have struggled a lot with that term recently because I just don't know what people mean when they say it, to be honest. Do I even know what I mean when I'm saying it?

Some Christians who came through my line at Food Lion this summer would quickly pass a tract to me and tell me to "have a blessed day;" I've seen people cry "God bless America" loudly on the streets of NYC; and "I am blessed" is a tune that we could all get stuck in our heads...but are these terms one and the same? Do we really know what we're throwing around?

The scriptures speak often of the Lord's chosen as a "blessed people," but I don't think that means he gives them whatever they want (and when they have what they want, they call themselves "blessed" as if they did something worthy of being blessed). [If you go to studylight.org and do a search on "blessed people" or "chosen people," you're likely to come up with many verses.] Basically, we're not worthy of being blessed ever, and that's why it's called a blessing--it's a special favor or act of mercy to us--those who deserve no mercy--those who are chosen, because we could not choose right on our own. [Grace is so beautiful--how could I ever forget that His goodness really makes no sense because it is so undeserved on our part?]

What I'm saying is that we should not say we're blessed just when everything is fancy dancy. Of course I know I'm blessed to have a job and a new apartment and supportive friends and family and church, but what about the believers and people everywhere who have no job, no home, no community, no food? Are they cursed because they did something to deserve wrath for the day? I would like to say no, because the Lord's ways are so much higher than mine. And when I think about all that I have right now--this job, etc.--I realize how undeserving that I am. I am not entitled to anything that I've been given, and it doesn't make sense why I've been given these things right now; but for some reason, I have. And I will use them for His glory. My own fame is worthless in the sight of the brightness of The Light of the Son. And so, I am blessed when I am flying high or in the depths of despair. It still doesn't make perfect sense to me, but it never ceases to make me see how deep/wide/beautiful the riches of His grace are, even when we don't feel outwardly "blessed." Because the gospel is not about comfort and worldly riches. If it were, there would be no grace at all because we would have no need of it. So thanks be to God for the glory in which he shows himself through grace--whether it be in our outward blessings or the beauty of knowing that a soul is rich in Jesus. What else have we need of?

Thus, I hope to be more careful in the way that I view a blessing, because I'm blessed in beauty or ashes. Still, my soul will seek Jesus. I need nothing more.

I have a Title.

Today is a day that I will never forget! I have been waiting in anxious anticipation for it, and quite honestly just wanted to get it over with because I had no clue what would hit me in the face today!

I had what I thought would be my "final interview" at Triton this morning, so when I (A) walked in, I am greeted by the principal (P) saying, "Are you ready to get started?" Let me just give you the conversation. The stuff in parenthesis is what my brain was saying inside my head:

P: Are you ready to get started?
A:(Started? What am I supposed to begin if I have no idea what it is?) Yeah, definitely!
P: Well, do you have any questions for me right now?
A: (Questions about what? Like "do I have the job?") I think the main thing would be I would just like to know what I'll be doing next so that I can get started on planning and everything! (Double meaning: either where I'll be school-wise or where I could be within THIS school-wise)
P: Alright, well I have you down for Freshman Seminar in the Fall for 3 blocks and then 4th block planning; then in the Spring you'll have planning 1st and 2 regular and 1 Honors English I.
A: Oh, wow! That sounds great! (Do I look super surprised or is this ridiculous grin just giving away my professionalism?)
P: Wonderful. So, I will send in for your contract and we'll be on our way! New teacher orientation will begin August eleventh and last three days, then the rest of the teachers come back the 17th. School starts the next week. Any other questions?
A: Do you have the curriculum for me to look over before the school year starts? (Wait, he didn't say "You're hired," but I'm pretty sure he just hired me. My name is on all of his charts. I'm an English teacher--it's official!!!)
P: Yes, I will walk you over to the lady who has those and she can make you some copies. Great to see you again!

And that was it. I had my job in my pocket (the whole time, it seems, doesn't it?). The crazy thing is, my summer was so forlorn at times and I felt as though nothing was going to come together for me at all. I had finally come to the point where I realized that if I didn't get a teaching position, I would have to be okay doing something else for a while, and things would work out in time. Many of my friends still do not have jobs, and I feel very honored to have this opportunity. It's all so surreal! I can't believe it happened in one day!

So here's what I think about this whole situation: if it were an easy summer and I had known the whole time that I had it in the bag and I didn't have to strive for my goal and search everywhere that I could for a position and be rejected a few times (all the while working at Food Lion which is just indescribable how much it makes me yearn to feel purpose in my work), I would not have appreciated this as much as I truly do right now. This job is a gift. My "birthday wish" ten days ago was to get a job. But on top of that silliness, I cried and prayed many a day and night this summer in expectation of what would occur in the end. I wanted to bring glory to the Lord in whatever work I ended up doing, and I didn't want to give up on what I thought he had gifted me in doing. So I pressed on.

This morning before my interview, I read a little in Isaiah when he says, "Here am I! send me" (6:8), and then I happened across 1 Corinthians 15:58, "Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain." These verses were a perfect reminder of His grace in my life. I started my day saying "Lord, I'm yours. I do not know what's coming, but send me to do what you will have for me. My work thus far has been hard hard hard, but I will work for you. If it be teaching or something else, put me where you will." I'm not saying that the Lord will give you whatever you want on a given day, but if we realize that His grace is sufficient for each day, we also know that "sufficient for the day is its own trouble," (Mt. 6:34)and the Lord cares for His beloved. Not that I am in any way deserving of that, but because He is love, he loves me. I do not love, or serve, or teach, or do [anything] without Him. [Yes, I am screaming and singing halleloo, and you can too!]

So, I acquired my job and set off for home. I drove all the way down 421 to the exit to 40/85 and heard this strange noise. A car pulled up beside me and the driver started motioning to my back tire and mouthing, "IT's FLAT! YOUR TIRE!" So I pulled over. The car stopped a bit in front of me and a guy walked up with a bottle of air in a can or something crazy and pumped it up for me. He said the tire looked fine, I just needed to get the valve fixed. Wheew! I just had a flat not too long ago at the end of last semester, and now here's another! Well, I started driving again and realized that poof my jankety jank tire was down again, so I called home and sent Dad to the rescue. What a crazy end to a perfect day! I was feeling so good about myself, and then I sat in a hot car all sweaty in my pretty blouse and skirt till Dad came and helped me put the little donut on my back left wheel and we drove home.

When I arrived home, I walked into the living room to find streamers and a big "Congratulations Teacher Ab!" sign in yellow. Mom made a chocolate cake with chocolate icing (my favorite food, by the way!) and we all celebrated--complete with mint choc chip ice cream!

The next couple of weeks will be crazy--next week will be my final week at Food Lion, and then the first week of August my family is going down to AL/FL to visit "the cousins" (yay!). I will need to move to Harnett County that next weekend, because I start the 11th! That's less than 3 weeks away!

And thus, I have a title. I am officially an English Teacher at Triton High School. Go Hawks!

Grammar to the Glory of God

Soli Deo Gloria. If we as believers must truly desire to give glory to God in all aspects of life, then why should we forget what some would call "minute" details? Come along with me on this one; I think it might be an eye-opening Sunday afternoon drive.

I have been slowly chewing on the ideas in a book called Eats, Shoots and Leaves by Lynne Truss. She bestows quite a hilarious approach to grammar and encourages the reader to "unleash your Inner Stickler" when it comes to grammatical atrocities. I have to admit, a little part of my heart dies every time I see any of the following (which is not an all-encompassing list, believe me):
The dog took it's bone to the grass.
You're sister is so sweet.
Him and I love going to the park.
The darker it gets, the more I love the star's.
But why do mistakes similar to these matter in the whole scheme of things? In an ever-changing world of texting/internet/twitter/facebook/etc. where fewer and fewer people know how to write or speak correctly, I must insist that grammar is an imperative aspect of taking hold of our postmodern (or post-postmodern) culture.

Anything goes! If it's right for you, then it's good; just don't hurt anyone else (or splice anyone's comma). I beg to differ. As Christians in this time, we are compelled to set ourselves apart as fellow sufferers for the gospel--and if the gospel permeates us, it envelopes everything in our lives and causes us to yearn to glorify God in all things. Thus, we must hold on to the knowledge that we know to be true, and realize that through it we might glorify the Lord as we "set the believers an example in SPEECH, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity" (1 Timothy 4:12).

Think about the way that language affects us on a daily basis. If not for communication--in multiple aspects--we would not be able to share in conversation, write out our thoughts, discuss valid aspects of life, and the list goes on. Each culture shares its own language complete with expressions through words along with gestures. English has come a long way in the manner that it has adapted due to necessity with culture or simply adding new words because of the mixture of varying cultures. I am not against the morphing of language due to the increase of usable words (without this English might have been a dead language by now anyway); I am simply advocating for the correct usage of the grammar that is currently in place and its importance in our global society. [However, I will add that some of our current "new" words are less-than par: "pwned" and "noob"? I'll pass.] I will also point out the importance of grammar in the spread of the gospel as the scriptures have been translated to other languages because scholars have exhausted countless hours studying and converting words and syntax into the original tongue of other cultures so that Christ may be known. The same can be said about missionaries who study language to carry the gospel in word and deed...and how beautiful it is! If we have a lack of consistent communication in our own language, how are we to learn to share the gospel effectively to other peoples (or, even others in our own language)?

Thus, I leave you with this thought: how captivated are you by the glory of Christ and how he reveals himself even in the minute details? Have we slipped so far from the core of the gospel that we forget that the Lord does not neglect details? Of course I am not negating His grace and how powerful that is in our lives, but we are called to be holy--and that is a lofty calling. Today, pay attention to the details that come together to create a beautiful picture in the realm of the gospel. Do not neglect to glorify the Lord by holding onto the beauty that is in structure, just like he has patterned the universe.

So, "soli Deo gloria en grammaria"?
(Don't be alarmed; I made that up)

(P.S. A special thanks to my brother Joel for giving me the initiative to author this post!)

The job search ensues (and other news)...

This morning, I had an interview at Western Harnett High School (in the boonies of Lillington, NC). Last night I could not sleep at all...I got so nervous for some reason! I don't know why, but this one just seemed really imperative to me and I kept thinking about all the questions and how I might respond honestly, clearly, and intelligently to each one. I wore my new black and white birthday skirt (which mom let me use even though my birthday is next week), my new turquoise ring from Cherokee, and my pearl necklace. Everything felt exactly right for me to walk in there and show them my love of teaching (but more so the students). When I arrived, I was greeted in the little board room by the principal, and assistant principal, and the chairlady of the English department. The interview went quite well, I must say. I felt very confident and comfortable with them, and I enjoyed gleaning from their insight as well as sharing some of my own experiences thus far. My roomie from Campbell's mom teaches there, so I was able to do a little name-dropping as well, which I was fo'sho' gonna do!

Last week, I interviewed with Dudley High in Greensboro, and at Wesleyan, where I went to High School. Both of those went okay, but I didn't hear anything back from either school, so I am assuming I didn't strike their fancy. But I am okay with that, because anywhere that I do not get a job offer is a door that the Lord is closing so that he will put me in the place exactly fit for me. I want my first year of teaching to be a great experience where I can learn and grow and really settle down and enjoy what I am doing. I want to be organized and involved in every way that I can without drowning...and that is exactly what I intend to do!

I am a teacher. I know in my little heart that if I were not a teacher deep down inside, then I would have no desire to teach; I would throw it all behind me and look for the quickest way outta this profession. But I simply cannot do that. There are days when it is and will be the longest and most frustrating job that I will ever encounter, but there are also moments when I will see the look in my students' eyes and understand why the Lord has placed me in this position. Yes, I will teach literature, but I will also teach applicable lessons about life. I will love my students even when they hate me. I have been reading The Freedom Writers Diary, and it's been very encouraging to see the way one teacher impacted her students' lives to spur on change in their community. I am learning from the way that she challenged each student individually and encouraged them to learn because she believed that they could. I will not give up on my students; I will expect the best from them, because I know that they can and will succeed.

Other than that, I went camping in the Smoky Mtns. this past weekend with my family and it was great! We hiked up to Mt. Laconte, an 11 mile round trip! My legs hated me, and I realized that chacos are not meant to take the place of hiking boots but I wore them anyway :o) I didn't shower for 4 days, and I enjoyed the beauty of creation.

And so, I look forward to what's coming in my life. I have no idea what the next moment brings, but I trust in the faithfulness of my savior. I will not get caught in moments of fear when I think I will be stuck at food lion forever. I will believe that the Lord's provision is sufficient for each day. And I will glorify and thank him for his mercy and grace that lasts beyond what my mind can comprehend.

To Him be the glory forever! Amen.

Future Hope

Some days I just don't have a clue what I'm thinking. Sometimes the Lord is so surprising. Well, all the time, actually. I trust His sovereignty, even when I am surrounded by a cloud of confusion and can't seem to see my next step. I fall on the arms of my beautiful savior who calls me beloved.

"Sing me a song, so I can close my eyes..." -Sandra McCracken

So, I don't have a whole lot of clarity in a few different things in my life, but I am willing to wait on the Lord. I must. He is so good.

News of the day

I would like to announce that I am writing a story, and I like it so far. I am not revealing it until it is complete, so I hope that you await it with anticipation, but don't wet your pants yet. It's gonna be good. I'll give you one sentence: "For some reason, 'Old Miss Mag' was a legend in town. Emmalyn had heard that her real name was Magnolia Taylor, but she hated her first name, and her last name was a constant reminder that she never married, so she didn't use either."
Ok, that's all I'm giving you for now...and it doesn't give much away, it's just to wet your appetite--I hope you're hungry. I'm hoping to finish it quickly...I was always afraid to write before because I thought I would find that I am no good at it. But I promise to attempt.

In other news, I had another meeting at Triton...I went there and talked to the principal a full FIVE minutes. It was ridiculous. He told me that he would like to have me...he's going to call my references soon and he will keep in touch and hopefully we can get this all straightened out in the next few weeks. There is still a hiring freeze, so not too much we can cut through there. But I was able to go spend time with my students and read The Odyssey...what fun! I really enjoyed being there for part of the day, and hopefully I can soon call it my home and have my own classroom there. It's where I want to be.

I'm going to start working at Food Lion again next week. Woowhee, here comes the summer. But I'm okay with that, it's a job and in my free time I can read and write and prepare for what's to come. Hopefully I can pull away some weekends for traveling to see the ones I love that are a bit far away..

Ah, those summer nights

I should be sleeping, but staying up late is what summers are for, right?

Some things I've been thinking about lately:

a. I should do better at summer reading. I think people expect me to be a huge reading nerd bc I majored in English, but I really have to buckle down and make time to read it seems. I do love it (although I still think I'm a slow-ish reader), but I'm usually a bum and do other random things instead...and a lot of my time recently has been filled with applications, organizing my room, and trying to see some friends before they go away for a long time. So it's acceptable I think. But soon, I shall re-embark on the MANY new and exciting (yet classic) book finds from yardsales that have been gathering dust on my newly set-up bookcases in my room.

b. What has happened to my heart? There are times when I am so up, and times when I am so down. There is just no in-between for me. I have always known that and seen that in my life, but I feel like recently I've been so sad inside for stupid, selfish reasons. I envy the lives of people I know, and I think that things "should have been different" for me...and it's a load of blah. I have been looking back on many things that I find in my room: trinkets, letters, yearbooks, etc. And realizing that there are times in my life that I have been so completely in love with the Lord that my heart just swells with joy and it comes out in the things that I write, say, and do. I don't know where I am exactly right now, but I know that I am not where I should be. I am crying out for Christ to be my all, but inside I am thinking "if only I had this...then everything would be okay.." But I will NEVER find myself in anything else but the One who redeemed my life from the pit of emptiness and death. So I pray that my heart will be renewed..."refresh my heart in Christ!"

c. I think any other problems I've been thinking about will always relay back to b, so I will go "this far and no further....we must draw the line here!" (if you can tell me what that's from you will get your name in my happy book)

d. I'm ready to be a teacher and have my own classroom and my own students, who will become what I secretly call my "babies" even though they're not that young. I am so excited to have my own room and decorate it and teach them.

Call to the Lord, and He will answer. This I believe.

The job search..

The days go on here in the life of Ab...

I graduated from Campbell University on May 9, 2009 with a Bachelor's Degree in English with Teacher Licensure, and a 3.921 GPA.

I moved home to HP, and now I'm hanging out with my family and some friends here for the summer. I'm looking to find a part time job until I start teaching in the Fall...and it looks like I might end up back at Food Lion, but at least I won't have to start anything new and it'll bring in some money to get me started on buying furniture/home supplies/rent for the fall...which brings me to...

I had an interview at Triton High, where I did my student teaching. I really enjoy the school--I've been very comfortable there, and I just keep coming back to knowing that it's where I want to begin teaching. I went to the Harnett Co. teacher job fair this past Monday, and it went pretty well...I enjoyed talking to the principal and assistant principals from Triton, and I got to see my cooperating teacher...love her! I also talked to a few other principals, but nothing else seemed promising...and I'm okay with that. Two days after the fair, I got an email from the Triton prinipal saying he would like for me to come back and talk to him about the open English position...I really have a hunch that he is going to hire me. I don't want to say for sure, but I'm almost certain. So, I'll be going back sometime in the next few weeks, and that'll be MISS LIND, to those freshman coming up next year! woo hoo!

I also had an interview at HPCA today, but they don't actually have a position open right now, just wanted to talk to me...so I'm gonna call it "good experience" in getting more interviews. yay.

Anyways, it's interesting beginning a new life outside of "college." I know I haven't exactly gone out on my own yet, but I think I will be doing that soon because I will have to figure out housing and costs along with good budgeting and saving methods. I really want to be a good steward of the money that I earn. I just don't want to go back and get in a rut...I'm afraid of what's to come of course...I don't want to be lonely, but I also don't want to feel like I'm still in college because most of my friends around there still are. So I'm praying for the Lord to send me a few really good close friends that I can rely on there to spend time with, and that I will be able to find roommates so that I can keep housing costs down.

So, the great news is that I might have a job soon, and the Lord is always good!

LoveLoveLove.

Abs